


bold and fearless in the risks we take

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, M/M, Road Trips, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-16 02:52:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 22
Words: 72,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5810758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>tyler doesn’t remember much of what transpired to have him walking down the side of an empty road well past midnight, gently clutching his broken nose, fingers dripping with his own blood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. we're probably more suicidal than ever now

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HippieRyden](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HippieRyden/gifts).



> me: has 2 other multi-chaptered fics that aren't finished  
> me: starts another one
> 
> gift 4 me friend taylor ily mang  
> tws for child abuse, blood, violence, homophobia
> 
> (title - slowtown by top)

tyler doesn’t remember much of what transpired to have him walking down the side of an empty road well past midnight, gently clutching his broken nose, fingers dripping with his own blood.

he just doesn’t remember how the argument started.

but what he _does_ remember is what he said to make his father angry enough to punch him in the face so hard he could hear the crunch of bones in his nose, feel the blood pouring down the back of his throat, taste the metal of blood that made him sick.

two words is all it took to make him angry enough to break his son’s nose and kick him out of his house while his mother stood back and watched in disappointment.

“i’m gay,” tyler had said, _fuming_ , voice crystal clear (too clear to pretend that he’d said anything else).

he doesn’t remember how their argument started, but he remembers telling his father he was gay, his father’s fist shoved into his face, his nose breaking, someone yelling at him and telling him he had five minutes to pack and get the fuck out of his house.

it took exactly four minutes and thirty-two seconds for tyler to shove everything he could fit into a torn-up backpack he found at the bottom of his closet and be barreling out the door. he doesn’t have a phone because he was never allowed to get one, doesn’t have any money because he wasn’t allowed to have a job until he graduated, doesn’t have anywhere to go because he was never allowed to have any fucking _friends_.

he’s fuming as he takes the porch steps two at a time, slamming the door behind him. he hastily wipes away the blood dripping in a steady river down onto his upper lip, not pausing to look back for even a second at the house and family he’s left behind.

he walks in silence for hours, with absolutely no concept of time other than the moon hanging in the sky as he approaches the outskirts of columbus. his legs ache slightly and his lungs burn when he breathes but he didn’t spend all that time practicing basketball, building up his stamina, for nothing. he’ll walk all night if he has to.

the worst part isn’t the walking. it’s the sweltering heat that presses down on him, even in the dead of night; mosquitoes buzz around his ears and bite his sweat-slick skin. no matter how many times it happens, he’s always startled by a stray animal darting around the underbrush or even himself stepping on a fallen twig.

in all the time walking up the highway, he only sees a handful of cars. none of them stop or slow at the sight of him and he can’t tell if he’s grateful or angry; who _abandons_ a teenager walking by himself well past midnight? people are assholes. he hates people. at least his nose isn’t still bleeding.

deep in his angst, he hears a noise off to his left that startles him into breaking out in a sprint, trying to put distance between himself and whatever danger. in hindsight, it’s probably a rabbit (or a bear), but he doesn’t think about that as his foot catches on a rock and he careens to the ground.

face first.

he hits his nose again and immediately screams at the sudden flash of pain in his skull, clutching at the broken bone and nearly retching as blood floods into the back of his throat again. he lays on the ground for an unidentifiable amount of time, bleeding all over himself and curling up into the fetal position. fuck his life.

when the pain subsides enough for him to be able to see straight, he pushes up off the ground, shoulders his bag, and continues his journey to absolutely fucking nowhere. he kind of wants to get hit by a car at this point.

just as he thinks that, headlights shine behind him in the distance, outlining his frame; he turns around to see one of the only cars of the night, a rusty old pick-up. he’s fairly tempted to throw himself in front of it once it gets close enough, decides he doesn’t want to risk the chance of not dying on impact and being left mangled on the road, and continues his trek.

he just prays that it doesn’t stop. luck, however, is not on his side that night. he turns his head slightly to watch the pick-up slow down, and he futilely begs, _god, don’t stop, please, i’m begging you – don’t stop._

but the steady rumble of the pick-up is still slowing down, pulling to a stop right where he’s standing, fingers clutching at his chest as if that’ll protect him from anything. he’s shaking, suddenly, his knees locking up – he’s stood frozen still, basking in the bright glow the headlights cast over his skinny ( _fragile_ ) frame.

he doesn’t stand a chance if this stranger decides to fuck him over. his mind tells him to get moving, get away, but he’s stuck in place, watching as the window closest to him rolls down and the stranger ( _monster_ ) in the truck reveals who they are.

“are you okay?” a shock of blue pokes its way out of the window, and tyler’s surprised to find that it’s the man’s _hair_ ; not a man, yet, as he barely looks any older than tyler himself, and he’s only seventeen. his face is nothing close to what he was expecting (doesn’t look anything like the image of a serial killer and rapist tyler’s mind conjures), and his mouth renders him useless as his knees quiver, taking all of his unfamiliar features in at once.

he looks harmless, even beautiful in the quiet stillness of the dark world around them; the only sound is tyler’s breathing and his heart beating too fast to be healthy and the truck’s engine idling along.

the boy quirks an eyebrow, leaning his upper half out of the window. “are you okay? you look like you could use help. sorry if i scared you.”

tyler tries to speak, but the words catch in his throat and all that comes out is a pathetic squeak. he takes a deep breath, smoothing out the front of his shirt and smearing blood down the fabric. “i’m fine.”

“are you sure? your nose is bleeding.”

 _thank you, captain obvious_. he bites his tongue from his sarcastic response, unlocking his shaking knees. he doesn’t know this person, doesn’t know anything about them. for all he knows, this could be his last night alive on earth; this person could be the one to end him once and for all, snuffing the light of his life out for good. he doesn’t even know if he cares if he’s killed, at this point. his life is over, as far as he’s concerned.

being dead and buried in an unmarked grave where no one would ever find his bones was immensely more appealing than going back to the bastard who dared called himself his ‘loving’ father at this point. it also saved him from ending his short ( _pathetic_ ) life himself.

he gives the car another once-over and shoulders his bag a little higher, huffing out a tired sigh.

he takes a few uncertain steps toward the boy with blue hair sitting behind the wheel of his rusty old pick-up truck, eyeing tyler curiously ( _hungrily_ ) as he approaches.

“i’m josh,” he says with a grin that seems like it’s supposed to come across as welcoming but looks rather frightening in the darkness before shuffling back behind the wheel.

“tyler.” he pulls the door open with shaking fingers and slides into the oddly squishy seat, heaving in as quiet a breath as he can with his lungs feeling seconds away from collapsing.

josh taps his thumb on the wheel, giving tyler an indecipherable ( _threatening_ ) look before deciding on something appropriate to say. “can i take you to the emergency room –“

tyler squeaks out something that vaguely resembles a desperate no, jerking his head around to josh with wide, terrified eyes that remind him of a scared animal. his lungs suddenly feel too tight, ribcage too constricting and he can’t _breathe_ , digging his shoes into the floorboard of the pick-up to ground himself. if he goes to the hospital they’ll find out who he is, they’ll call his parents to come get him from running away and his dad will find him and it’ll happen all over again –

josh stares, perplexed by the sudden turn of events until it settles in that this kid he’s picked up on the side of the road in the dead of the night is having a panic attack. he’s no stranger to them, but it’s the first time he’s on the opposite side of things, looking in from the outside of what an attack looks like.

“hey, breathe,” he says gently, leaning in toward tyler but not quite enough to make him uncomfortable. “breathe, okay? i won’t take you to the hospital. just _breathe_.”

and he does, god, he takes in a huge, heaving gulp of air so hard he chokes and starts coughing his lungs out, curling in on himself. he stays there for a second or two, elbows pressed to his thighs and eyes clenched closed so tight that white stars dance into the darkness, slowly retreating into calmness.

“i’m sorry, i’ll go –“ tyler mumbles, voice higher in pitch than usual as he fumbles for the door handle in the darkness, hand shaking, body trembling. his eyes feel wet and his nose has started dripping blood into his lap.

“you don’t have to go,” josh says back, not making any move to stop him in case he perceived anything he did or said as threatening, settling back behind the wheel. “if you need to get away from here, i can help you.”

 _get away_. he needs to get away. he can’t be found. he wouldn’t be surprised if his father killed him ten times over if he dared show his face in town again.

tyler flops back against the seat, pushing his bloodied palms against his eyelids in an effort to clear the blurriness from his vision. “where are you going?”

“los angeles.” josh switches gears and turns his pick-up back to the open, dismal stretch of road in front of them. “i’ve got a friend there i’m staying with. you?”

it sinks in that he doesn’t have a plan. he doesn’t have a phone, he doesn’t have any money, he doesn’t have anywhere to go – it’s almost enough to send him into another panic attack. “i don’t know,” he whispers, voice quivering. “i wasn’t thinking when i left.”

there’s something in his face, in his voice, in his body that josh knows. the fear, the pain, the anger, the helplessness; he’s running from something, not too much unlike what josh was running from those two years previous.

“there’s tissues in the glove box if you wanna clean your face,” josh sighs, eyes surveying the empty road. “who broke your nose?”

“it’s not broken,” tyler grumbles in return, opening the compartment and digging through until he finds the package.

“hell of a nosebleed.”

tyler chooses to ignore him, gingerly dabbing at the blood gathered underneath his nose and hissing at the sudden sting of pain it brings. definitely broken and no way to fix it, another thing to add to the mile-long list of things that had gone wrong in his life that very day.

josh clears his throat, eyes sweeping the empty road. tyler fixes his gaze to him, wiping away blood with the corner of a tissue. “did you run away or did they kick you out?”

the taste of blood in the back of his throat is overwhelming, every surge of pain from touching his nose only fueling his migraine. he wonders how he got here, in the passenger seat of a pick-up driven by someone with every capability of murdering him without a second thought, nursing his broken nose and cleaning up his own blood. he doesn’t remember much, but he swears he can still feel the bones breaking in his face, can still see his mother standing by as he was cast away.

“kicked out,” he finally responds, pulling his knees up to his chest, feet planted in the seat. he cautiously decides not to ask how josh knows this, holding the tissue under his nose instead as his nose continues to spew blood.

“i was sixteen when i ran away,” josh sighs, sounding almost wistful, and tyler gapes at him. “doesn’t feel like two years ago but i guess it was.”

“you ran away,” tyler echoes. “why?”

“well,” josh exhales like it’s a long story, ruffling his blue hair up with his free hand and steering with the other. “my mom wasn’t happy to find out i was gay. she was even less happy when she walked in on me having sex with a guy i’d been bar-hopping with.”

tyler never would’ve been able to fathom a story like that in a million years, so he takes josh’s word for it, staring at him in mild horror. his father would’ve snapped his neck if he’d walked in on that scene.

he must have some sort of terrified expression on his face because josh laughs a little nervously, looking at tyler sideways. “sorry,” he grins, not looking the least bit apologetic. “you asked.”

“it’s okay,” tyler mumbles, rubbing at his nose and staunching the blood flow. the pain has dulled into a sort of white noise in the back of his aching skull, but it’s _still_ bleeding, and he wonders if it’ll ever stop. he’s really not a big fan of blood, especially not when it’s all over his hands and face. “what happened after that?”

“she tried to send me to some sort of christian reform camp,” he scoffs, rolling his eyes and cracking an easy smile. tyler doesn’t understand what’s funny about that. “my parents were never easy to get along with, but sending me to gay rehab? i packed my shit, took my car, and i left.”

tyler actually does laugh at that, muffled by the tissue held over his face. josh casts another glance over at him with a lopsided smile, pity sinking deep into his stomach.

“i can stop at a gas station,” he offers. “i have extra clothes and stuff in the back that might fit you. i can probably reset your nose, too.”

“it’s not broken,” tyler huffs, shuffling in his seat and tilting his head against the cool window. he feels weird about accepting a stranger’s ride in the middle of the night, and the fact that the same stranger is offering to share his clothes makes him feel even weirder. “i’ve got clothes, too. thanks.”

josh wants to laugh at his defiance, but he understands, he really does. “okay, it’s not broken,” he agrees, just to mellow the mood out some. “but you can clean it up and change and stuff.”

“okay,” tyler exhales, heaving in a sigh. he realizes that he’s never even thanked josh for his help. if it wasn’t for him, he’d still be fucking stranded on the side of the road. “thank you.”

“it’s no trouble,” josh responds, immediate and chipper. tyler likes him already. he has about a million questions to ask about him, like why he’s in columbus if he lives in los angeles and how he knows how to reset a broken nose, but his head is too fuzzy to think straight and he’d kind of like a nap. josh must see how tired he is, drooping into the seat and fighting to keep his eyes open as he says, “you can sleep, if you want. i’ll wake you up when i find a gas station.”

maybe that should set off alarm bells in tyler’s head, but he doesn’t think his life can get any worse at this point. he also doesn’t think josh is the type of person to kill someone. hopefully. he allows himself a brief moment of peace from his rampaging thoughts, bleeding nose, and aching skull, relaxing his head back against the seat and letting his eyes flutter shut.

he’s out like a light within a few minutes.


	2. this is not what i had planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “how’s that nosebleed?” he comments sarcastically.  
> “it’s broken,” tyler gives in, finally accepting the fact that his nose is fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shits bitchin
> 
> (title - forest by top)

miles and miles of empty, barren road stretch between where josh picked tyler up and the next place he finds a gas station. he drives in silence, for the most part, the drone of his radio fading in and out from static to actual music playing softly in the background so as not to disturb tyler’s sleep. god knows he could use it.

josh is used to the silence. he’s a quiet person, and he spends a lot of time by himself. tonight is different, when he’s not alone; on the contrary, there’s some kid he knows nothing about sleeping in his passenger seat, unfazed by the bumps in the road and the sudden swerving of the pick-up as josh narrowly avoids potholes. he could be harboring a fugitive, for all he knows, because he never even gave josh a reason for being stranded in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night, other than being kicked out of his house.

but he really, sincerely doubts tyler could be a fugitive. he just doesn’t look the type. he cocks his head to the right at the sleeping figure bathed in darkness, silhouetted by the shine of the headlights cast on him; his face is stained with blood and his nose is crooked and bruised purple, swollen up. his nose is definitely broken, no matter how much tyler wants to vehemently deny that it isn’t, and it’s best if they reset it soon or it’ll probably end up permanently fucked.

they’re in a tiny town about an hour and a half outside of columbus, headlights cast on the darkened road in front of his pick-up as he drives endlessly. his eyes droop slightly as he looks around his surroundings, looking for a place to stop and refill gas; he needs a hotel soon, too, and maybe some food. he’s kind of sick of mcdonald’s, but it’s cheap and he’s not exactly overflowing with money.

a little ways down the street, josh spots a gas station. a sign glares bright yellow against the black of the sky, in the shape of a seashell and proclaiming the name in glowing white letters. _shell_. josh never would’ve guessed. he laughs sarcastically to himself, thumping his hand on the steering wheel. he really needs some sleep, at some point. he wonders how tyler feels about sharing a hotel room with him.

he breaks into a jaw-cracking, languid yawn as he pulls into the parking lot, stopping next to a pump and pulling the key out of the ignition. he blinks at tyler blearily, as if that’ll somehow _magically_ make him wake up. he really just doesn’t want to touch him, in case he startles him, or something.

after a few moments of staring pass and tyler is still soundly asleep, josh gathers his wits and shakes his thigh. “hey,” he calls, rubbing at his eye with the palm of his free hand. “wake up.”

tyler’s neck rolls on the seat toward josh, and he retracts his hand. his eyelids flutter a few times before he wakes up a little bit, glaring at josh in a way that seems accusing. he has no idea where he is, feeling momentarily terrified in his sleep-stupid state before the pain in his nose becomes more prominent and memories begin to kick in.

“fuck,” he mumbles, rubbing at his eyes before yanking his hands away in disgust. he turns his palms over and sneers at the dry blood caked into his skin. “that’s disgusting.”

josh doesn’t have enough energy to agree. “there’s a bathroom,” he mumbles, sounding beat while pointing in the general direction of the station. tyler feels sorry for him as he opens the truck door, snatching his bag off of the floorboard. he stretches out his cramped legs and stumbles unhurriedly across the parking lot, searching for a door with a bathroom sign, or something.

he finds one outside and slips his way into the cramped, tiny room. it smells filthy and looks disgusting; he blinks at himself in the mirror and finds that he’s really not better off himself. his eyes are red-rimmed and his hair is stuck up in greasy, odd angles, blood smeared all over the lower half of his face. not even to mention his _nose_ , which is way worse than he could’ve imagined; it’s at an awkward, crooked angle, colored purple underneath dark red blood and swollen up.

he wants to fucking cry.

instead, he forces himself to breathe, pushing away the fresh onslaught of his anxiety. he turns the sink on and shoves his hand underneath the flow, shivering and swearing softly at the cold water rushing over his hands. there’s no soap in the dispenser, when he checks – go figure. he cleans himself off the best he can, promising that he’ll do better later when he actually has soap. or a shower. whatever comes first.

being mindful of his nose, he tugs his filthy shirt off and runs it underneath the freezing tap water, wetting it enough to be able to clean himself up.

he works on his chest first, feeling momentary relief settle into him as he washes away the blood and watches as his skin returns to its normal color. then, up to his chin and jaw and around his mouth, saving the _best_ for last.

no matter how long he takes to prepare himself, the pain that ensues when he gently dabs at his nose is the most excruciating thing he has ever felt. it’s worse than when he broke his arm in sixth grade playing basketball, worse than any injury he’s ever had, and his eyes well up with tears that slowly track down his cheeks as he grits his teeth and forces himself to push through it.

he’s full on crying by the time he’s wiped most of the blood off, chest heaving in panting breaths of filthy air. he stares at himself in the mirror, fingers gripping the edges of the stained sink, wet shirt discarded on the floor.

and something in him breaks as he stares into his own hollow, dull eyes.

his ribcage locks up and his lungs refuse to expand. he forgets about how fucking filthy the bathroom is as he collapses onto the ground, curling in on himself on the floor and sobbing. reality begins to set in; he has no plan, nowhere to go, and he’s stranded in the middle of nowhere. he’s going to _die_ out here.

a knock sounds on the door. he collects himself enough to cough out a strangled, “occupied.”

“tyler?” comes josh’s voice from the other side of the door. “is everything okay?”

fuck.

he hastily drags his thumbs underneath his eyes, wiping away tears and blinking away the unshed ones. “yeah,” he clears his throat and calls back, pulling himself up off the floor. “just a second.”

“okay.”

he digs through his bag and finds a different t-shirt, tugging it on before sweeping over and unlocking the door.

josh’s face is creased in concern, but he quickly shoves on a smile as the door swings open. “hey,” he breathes, noticing the tears glimmering in his eyes. his eyes trail over his nose and he lets out a low whistle, leaning against the door frame. “how’s that nosebleed?” he comments sarcastically.

“it’s broken,” tyler gives in, finally accepting the fact that his nose is fucked.

josh grins, eyes crinkling up. tyler likes his smile. “i know. c’mon, let me fix it.”

tyler allows himself to be ushered back into the bathroom, sliding up onto the edge of the sink. “how bad is this going to hurt?” he mumbles, momentarily distracted as josh slips between his knees and peers at his nose.

“oh, it’ll feel _great_ ,” josh quips, shooting tyler a smile before cupping his jaw in his hand and tilting his face from side to side. “feel free to scream.”

“sure,” tyler huffs, catching josh’s eyes. he wrinkles his nose, tipping tyler’s chin up before hovering his hands over the bridge of his nose.

“okay,” he begins. “on three. don’t kick me in the nuts. one,” he pauses, and tyler holds his breath. “two.”

his fingers grab on _two_ , casually sliding his nose back into place like he does this every day and all tyler registers is stars exploding behind his eyes and a huge spike of pain coursing through him before everything goes black.

tyler’s chest slumps forward, head landing on josh’s shoulder. he panics, for a moment, immediately beginning to think he somehow fucked up and killed him or something; he forces himself to be rational and lifts tyler’s head up, away from him. he’s still breathing, thank christ, he’s just passed out.

“good job, josh,” he huffs to himself. kid must not have a high pain tolerance at all. he slips tyler’s lifeless arm over his shoulder and tilts him into his hold, one arm around his back and the other around his knees. he weighs virtually _nothing_. shifting his weight closer to his chest, he pauses to grab tyler’s bag from the floor with a bit of difficulty before heading back to the pick-up.

he opens the back door and carefully shifts tyler inside, sprawling him out along the seat. he slams the door closed and leans up against it for a brief second.

“i need coffee,” he mumbles, breaking into another loud yawn. he shuffles his way back to the station and wanders around inside aimlessly for a second, searching for a coffee machine.

he’s pretty sure the cashier thinks he might be stealing. she keeps looking up from behind the register to nervously glance at him as he picks out a large cup and fills it up to the brim from the coffee pot. little bit of sugar, little bit of milk, and he’s good to go, slapping a lid on and burning his tongue as he immediately takes a sip.

he pads down the candy aisle, pulling out various candy bars and chip bags, loading up his arms. as an afterthought, he moves to another aisle loaded with basic necessities and grabs an over-the-counter bottle of ibuprofen for tyler off of the shelf. struggling not to drop anything, he shuffles up to the register and shoves everything onto the counter.

“road trip?” the cashier asks conversationally, looking notably more at ease now that she knows he’s not about to rob her blind. she’s pretty, blonde and blue-eyed, probably in her mid-twenties.

“you could say that,” he grins back easily as she rings up his order and names the price, moving to shove all of his junk food into a plastic bag.

he pulls his wallet out of his back pocket and fishes out a ten, holding his hand out for his change.

“do you want a receipt?” she asks, and he shakes his head, collecting his snacks and coffee. “have a nice night.”

“you, too,” josh throws over his shoulder as he rushes back to his truck, suddenly more aware that tyler’s still passed out in the back seat. he slides behind the wheel, shoving the bag of food into the passenger seat and sticking the key into the ignition. there’s a hotel a few miles down that josh stayed in on his way into columbus, and it’s shitty as all get out, but it’s pretty much all he can afford.

he scalds his tongue on his coffee again, cursing himself for not bothering to put in any ice. he fumbles through static-covered radio stations until he finds one that plays songs okay, switching between drinking out of his paper cup and singing along to the choruses of older songs he vaguely recognizes.

they’re about five minutes away from the hotel, give or take, when tyler blinks open his hazy eyes. he’s immediately greeted by sharp, intense pain from his nose; he groans slightly, peering quietly at the ceiling of the pick-up. josh is singing in the front seat to some shitty bubblegum pop song from the eighties. he rubs at his eyes for a second more, trying to will the pain into something manageable.

groggily, he sits himself up and meets josh’s eyes in the rear-view mirror.

“oh, hey,” he chirps, cutting off his own singing to smile at him. “how are you feeling?”

tyler makes a noncommittal, pained noise.

josh sighs. “i’m sorry. i got you ibuprofen.” he grabs the bag off the seat next to him and shuffles through it with one hand, doing his best to keep his eyes on the road.

tyler huffs a laugh, climbing over the middle console and sliding into the passenger seat, pulling the bag into his lap. he sifts through multitudes of junk food before finding the bottle at the bottom of the bag. “you eat healthy,” he rasps, laughing when josh shoots him a toothy grin.

“you can have the rest of my coffee if you want,” josh offers, tilting the cup out to tyler. he hesitates, pondering about being drugged this far along into the journey, before deciding it’s ridiculous. if josh wanted to hurt him, he probably would’ve done it way before now. he takes the cup gratefully and swallows three of the tablets after struggling to get it open with his disjointed, tired limbs. “where are we?”

“uh, there’s a hotel up here in a minute,” josh rolls his shoulders, looking at him through the corner of his eye. “i figure we should get some sleep tonight.”

“yeah,” tyler agrees, tucking his feet up underneath him and relaxing into the seat. he’s nearly asleep again as josh pulls the truck into another parking spot, blearily blinking open his eyes and looking around his surroundings. some shitty, run-down motel in the middle of nowhere, and it sinks heavily in tyler’s stomach that this is what he’ll be doing for a while now.

“you okay?” josh’s voice drags him out from under his moping. his forehead is creased again in worry and his eyes are flooded with pity.

“m’fine,” tyler mumbles, stretching his legs out in front of him. “just tired.”

josh doesn’t buy it, remembering when that was him, two years ago. but he bites his tongue because tyler is sliding out of the car, backpack slung over his shoulder, stretching his arms above his head before closing the door behind himself.

he grabs his own suitcase from the floorboard of the back seat and follows tyler inside. he heads for the makeshift lobby, collapsing into an uncomfortable-looking chair and peering exhaustedly around the room.

josh looks at him for a second longer before shaking his head and padding up to the counter. a middle-aged man is sat behind it, flipping through a magazine with a beyond bored expression plastered onto his face. _a great way to attract customers_ , josh thinks sarcastically before saying, “hi.”

the man looks up, pulling himself up to his feet with a toothy smile. his teeth are yellow and some are cracked and rotted and his breath is absolutely foul, but josh forces a smile onto his own face, refusing to be rude.

he gets the cheapest room he possibly can on the first floor and collects his suitcase, turning to tyler and motioning for him to follow with a vague wave of his hand. he looks half-asleep again, slumped over in the chair, but he stumbles to his feet once he sees josh, grabbing at his backpack and following along. the room is number 101, tyler registers vaguely as josh unlocks the door and slides inside.

“oh, fuck,” josh sighs as soon as he flips on the light switch, and tyler clutches his backpack closer to his chest as if it’ll protect him.

“what?”

josh steps further into the room, and tyler peers around his shoulder, kicking the door closed behind him. there’s a small kitchenette type area, a bathroom – and one double bed.

“i’m sorry,” josh mumbles, rubbing at his face. he looks exhausted and tyler feels like he should be the one apologizing for putting him under this much stress. “i’ll sleep on the floor.”

“wait, no,” tyler interjects, looking at josh over the top of his bag. he gives tyler the ‘worried’ face that he’s becoming way too accustomed to. “it’s fine. we can sleep on the same bed.”

josh’s forehead crinkles up further, and tyler wants to tell him his face will get stuck like that if he keeps it there long enough. “are you sure?”

“yeah,” tyler affirms, putting a little more confidence in his voice and smiling at josh. josh grins back, but it looks a little uneasy. “it’s like a sleepover. or something. i don’t know.”

josh laughs, soft and breathy, tossing his suitcase onto the floor and stepping toward the bed. he flops onto the right side and curls up underneath the covers without bothering to change, limbs aching with exhaustion. “can you get the lights?” he asks, voice muffled by the blanket now pressed up to his face.

tyler sets his backpack down by the door and flicks out the lights, shrouding the room in darkness. he carefully picks his way across the room and shuffles down underneath the same sheets, mindful of his aching nose. “night,” he mumbles, snuggling deeper, and josh gives a quiet ‘good night’ in return.

one thing, josh finds out within a couple of minutes, is that tyler snores. even _with_ a broken nose. his mouth is hanging open, evidently, and josh wouldn’t be surprised if he was drooling onto the pillow underneath him. it’s a little funny and seriously endearing and josh smiles softly to himself as he tries to convince himself to sleep.

except, he doesn’t sleep. he lays awake, listening to tyler snoring until his eyes burn every time he blinks. tyler shifts underneath the blankets, rolling around, and josh holds still out of instinct to avoid bothering him.

another thing, josh finds out, is that tyler talks in his sleep. kind of. he mumbles a lot, for sure, random names and little clips of sentences that make no sense. it’s hilarious to josh’s exhausted mind, and he bites down into his tongue to avoid bursting into laughter as tyler rolls about, mumbling and snoring.

just as he’s right on the edge of falling asleep, tyler kicks underneath the sheets and jolts josh right back awake. he blinks lazily at the other side of the bed, burrowing his head further into his pillow. surprisingly, tyler shifts closer to josh and presses up against his side, cuddling into him and throwing an arm around his waist.

josh lays still, mildly confused. he guesses tyler’s a cuddler, and he doesn’t want to move at all, just in case it somehow wakes him up. exhaling softly, he allows himself to be held, trying to relax his stiff muscles.

 _it’s fine_ , he tells himself, even as tyler tucks his head up underneath his chin and pulls him closer at the waist. _it’s fine_.


	3. there's hope out the window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “just curious,” josh pipes up, stuffing his phone back into his pocket. tyler tilts his head to look at him, quirking an eyebrow. “you never did tell me how you got kicked out.”  
> “you never asked,” tyler remarks, shooting josh a crooked grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a bad person 
> 
> (title - guns for hands by top)

josh can’t count how many times he wakes up during the night, blinking open bloodshot eyes at the ceiling.

it’s too hot in the hotel room. there’s no air conditioning, the blanket is too thick, plus the fact that there’s another body laying half on top of him. he just doesn’t have the heart or the energy to shift tyler away from him, and considering he’ll probably just roll right back to cuddle him, it seems pointless to try.

so, he mans up, and he lets bygones be bygones.

the next time he floats back into consciousness, tyler has a leg hooked around his waist and is snoring softly against the side of his neck. his breath tickles his skin, and josh is sweating a ridiculous amount, but he continues to lay compliantly on the uncomfortable mattress, letting tyler mumble about random things into his neck.

he tries to convince himself to go back to sleep for a little longer, but sunlight has begun to breach through the broken blinds, and josh squints irritably as the rays shine directly into his eyes. so much for sleeping. he turns his head toward tyler and shifts around a bit, trying to keep his motions as unnoticed as possible so as not to wake him up.

except, something’s prodding up against his thigh. why is tyler sleeping with his wallet in his pocket? that doesn’t make any sense and it sounds fairly uncomfortable. wait. he shifts a little more, eyes widening when he realizes.

nope. definitely not a wallet. well, josh has been there before, at least.

he blinks blearily at the top of tyler’s fluffy head, almost willing him to wake up. he doesn’t. instead, he pulls at josh’s waist with his leg, tugging him closer. josh’s eyes blow even wider and he fights the urge to yank himself backwards, knowing it would just make things even more awkward if tyler _did_ wake up.

 _okay, josh, think of a solution_. he could pretend to be asleep until tyler woke up and left to go fix things, but he really doesn’t feel like having some random kid’s boner pressed up into his thigh for any longer than necessary.

carefully, he extracts tyler’s leg from around his waist and shuffles backwards, gently placing it down onto the mattress. aside from a few disappointed-sounding sniffles from tyler, nothing drastic happens, and josh wipes sweat off of his forehead with the back of his hand. nice work.

he pads toward the bathroom and locks the door behind him just in case. he doesn’t need any more awkward incidents in his life, no thank you. he shudders involuntarily as he tugs off his shirt and jeans, leaving his dirty clothes on the edge of the sink.

josh turns on the shower tap to the hottest it’ll go while searching the bathroom for towels; there’s none hanging on the rack, which is mildly concerning. fortunately, he finds a stack under the sink. they look relatively clean, and he tries not to think too hard on how many people have used them before him as he pulls back the shower curtain and steps inside.

he expects hot water.

hot water is not what he gets.

the flow that pours over his body is fucking freezing.

instantaneously, he shouts, “ _fuck_!” and hops around in the water, shivering all over.

tyler jolts awake at someone suddenly yelling, gripping at the sheets in startled confusion. he stares wide-eyed at the ceiling, breathing heavy and recollecting his surroundings. his nose aches as soon as his eyes pop open, sharp and incessant, but it’s nowhere near as bad as the day before.

the door to the bathroom is closed, water running in the background, and tyler figures josh is in the shower. he still has absolutely no idea who’s yelling this early in the morning; he rubs at his eyes with his palms, mindful of his nose, and shifts around on the bed, rolling onto his stomach.

a tiny whimper slips past his lips and his hips immediately snap up to roll against the mattress. can’t he _please_ go one day without waking up with a boner? fuck his hormones. he just hopes that josh is out of the shower soon.

with a sigh of resignation at what he’s about to do, he shoves a hand between his hips and the bed, palming himself through his jeans to relieve some of the tension. he rolls up into his palm quietly, biting his lip to stifle a soft whimper before working to undo the button and yank the zipper down, moving as fast as possible.

he shoves a hand into his boxers and wraps his hand around his cock, pulling a dry stroke and moaning too loudly to stifle the noise. he covers it up with a series of coughs, flushing red, and momentarily pausing his hand to listen. the shower is still running. good.

gently, he rolls onto his back and works himself quicker, bucking up into his hand with quiet gasps. he twists his wrist on the upstroke, biting the inside of his cheek to hold back a groan, thumbing over his slit. heat begins to coil in the pit of his stomach at the same moment the sound of the shower shuts off; swearing, he yanks his hand away and buttons up his jeans, ignoring the strain against his dick.

“shit,” tyler hears josh mumble on the other side of the bathroom door. there’s the shuffle of footsteps against tile, the click of the door unlocking, before josh tugs open the door with a puff of steam billowing out from behind him.

he’s dripping wet, practically naked except for the white towel wrapped loose around his waist. fuck. this helps absolutely nothing about the situation. his cock twitches in his jeans.

he has half a mind to pretend to be asleep before josh notices he’s awake, but they make eye contact at the last moment. “oh,” he mumbles, pushing his sopping hair back from his forehead. “sorry. i forgot my bag in here. i thought you’d be asleep.”

“it’s fine,” tyler squeaks immediately, flushing even redder. he rolls onto his side, staring wide-eyed at the wall as josh collects his suitcase. fuck, fuck, _fuck_.

he expects josh to go right back into the bathroom, but no, he just has to stop and talk to him. “how’s your nose?” he asks, and it’s a sweet gesture, really, but tyler can’t stop picturing him in that godforsaken towel.

he refuses to turn to josh to give a response. “okay,” he says, clearing his throat, still staring at the wall.

“there’s still ibuprofen in the truck,” josh is still fucking standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

tyler makes a small affirmative noise to note that he heard him, focused on not shoving a hand back down his pants.

“d’you want to grab breakfast before we head back out?”

“yeah, sure,” tyler mumbles hurriedly, shifting underneath the blankets.

josh cocks an eyebrow curiously at his lack of response, before he remembers that tyler’s _still_ probably got a raging boner and he definitely isn’t helping. a small blush rises up into his cheeks as he stumbles backwards into the bathroom, nearly slamming the door closed and flipping the lock.

he changes as quickly as possible into new clothes, shoving the dirty ones back into the suitcase. he shambles out of the bathroom, averting his eyes from tyler, still lying on the bed in the same position. “bathroom’s all yours,” he says, trying to sound chipper.

tyler kind of wants to die all over again. he refuses to shoot up from the bed like he really wants to, collecting himself enough to sit up and swing his shaky legs over the side of the bed. he actually remembers to grab his bag from by the door, avoiding making eye contact at all costs as he slides into the bathroom, appreciating the solitude.

josh huffs a laugh as he flops down onto the unmade bed, pulling his phone from his pocket. it’s only ten thirty, surprisingly, and he has two unread text messages. he bites on his tongue to avoid bursting into laughter as the shower jumps to life and tyler shouts something unintelligible at the cold water. maybe he should’ve warned him.

 **debby (9:03 am):** when are u coming home

 **debby (10:23 am):** did you fucking die

he ruffles up his still wet hair, tapping out a response to assure her that no, he’s very much alive. he doesn’t really know how to bring up the prospect of maybe showing up with some random kid with a broken nose within the next few days, so he ponders over his next response while chewing on his thumbnail anxiously.

is it even a good idea to bring it up? is tyler even _okay_ with coming along all the way to los angeles? as far as he’s concerned, he doesn’t mind housing tyler for a couple of months as he tries to get his new life straightened out –

his train of thought comes to a crashing, screeching halt when he hears someone moan.

he narrows his eyes at the bathroom door suspiciously.

as if on cue, another moan sounds from behind the locked door.

he goes fire engine red within about two seconds, dropping his phone into his lap. is he _really_ about to have to hear some kid he knows nothing about jerk off about five feet away? how _loud_ did he have to be?

on second thought, how fucking _old_ is this kid, anyway? he could be fourteen, for all he knows, and the thought sends him under a hard wave of anxiety. jesus, did he _sleep_ in the same bed as a fourteen year old? granted, he didn’t _know_ , but christ, he could get sent to jail if anyone happened to find out.

“god,” he groans, pressing his palms against his closed eyes in frustration. he’s beyond fucked if tyler is only fourteen. he really, really hopes against all hope that tyler is at _least_ seventeen.

he sits on the bed in shame as tyler continues to moan softly, red-faced and semi-hard from the noise and all around just angry. he refuses to fucking think, for even a second, about a possibly underage kid jerking off in the room next to him, but his dick likes to think otherwise.

the shower shuts off in the background, pulling josh from under his stupor. he grapples for his phone, ultimately deciding not to text debby about tyler until he figures out the rest of the plan. _and_ he figures out how old he is. that takes top priority, as far as he’s concerned.

the bathroom door slides open with another cloud of steam. josh glances up from his phone to see tyler ruffling his hair dry with a towel, in different clothes from yesterday. his nose looks a little better, josh notes proudly, before continuing his text to debby.

he hangs the towel up over the shower railing and props his backpack up next to the door. he flops ungracefully down onto the bed on his back, resituating his shirt.

“just curious,” josh pipes up, stuffing his phone back into his pocket. tyler tilts his head to look at him, quirking an eyebrow. “you never did tell me how you got kicked out.”

“you never asked,” tyler remarks, shooting josh a crooked grin.

josh rolls his eyes, crossing one leg over another.

“ _well_ ,” tyler drawls, throwing his hands above his head and stretching out his back. it gives a long, satisfying pop, and he groans, rolling his shoulders.

“nice,” josh comments.

“thanks. my dad and i got into this stupid argument that i don’t even remember. he’s the one who broke my nose, by the way,” tyler sighs, eyes affixed to the ceiling so he doesn’t have to see josh’s ‘worried’ face. “we get into this argument, and i end up coming out of the closet, right? wasn’t the best idea i’ve ever had. so, he punches me in the face, and i end up with a broken nose.”

he ignores the gasp josh makes, barreling on with his story. “long story short, he gives me five minutes to pack and get out of his house.”

“wait, what about your mom?” josh interjects.

“she stood by and let him kick me out,” tyler clucks his tongue almost disapprovingly. “ _anyways_ , i walk all the way from columbus to the middle of nowhere, and you pick me up. nice story, right?”

tyler can almost _feel_ the pity radiating off of josh in waves. “god –“ he begins to say, but tyler interrupts by rolling off of the bed and walking over to snag his bag from over by the door.

“c’mon, let’s get breakfast.”

he doesn’t give josh any chance to respond before he’s swinging open the door and disappearing down the hallway. josh sits on the bed in mild confusion for a second before heaving a sigh and pulling himself to his feet, grabbing his suitcase and checking that he has everything he needs. car keys, wallet, hotel keys – all in their proper places.

tyler’s already in the lobby, looking at a painting on the wall by the time josh joins him. he checks them out of the hotel, politely responding to the receptionist’s small talk. it’s a different person, this time; a guy with short blonde hair and brown eyes who can’t possibly be older than nineteen.

he’s sweet enough, but josh has too much on his plate to stop and talk to excitable, doe-eyed hotel receptionists. he excuses himself and moves over to join tyler, who’s watching the encounter with a soft smirk.

“took you long enough,” he comments sarcastically. “what, was he hitting on you?”

josh scoffs, rolling his eyes. “totally,” he shoots back, pushing open the lobby door and holding it for tyler. “i’m a catch, can you blame him?”

“oh, you’re a gentleman,” tyler grins as he steps through the open door. “and, no, i can’t blame him.”

josh gapes, but tyler’s already stalking away in the direction of the pick-up, and he can hear him laughing. prick.

still, he follows along and slides behind the wheel, storing his suitcase in the back seat and starting the engine. “so,” josh begins, hoping this doesn’t come across as awkward as he feels, “i never asked how old you are.”

“seventeen,” tyler replies. “you?”

josh breathes a heavy sigh of relief. thank god and absolutely everything that is holy. “eighteen.”

tyler gives him a weird look, but josh ignores it. “ _so_ ,” he says, mimicking josh from before and smiling innocently when josh glares at him. “i never asked how you know how to reset broken noses.”

“you’re not the only one who’s had a broken nose,” josh sighs. “i mean, i ran away from home at sixteen. i had a little bit of money saved up from a part-time job but it didn’t last that long. i was on the streets for a couple of months, picked up a few useful skills.”

“wow,” tyler exhales. josh wrinkles his nose, shrugging his right shoulder. “never took you for a street rat.”

josh laughs, and tyler grins, pulling his legs up into the seat. “there’s a lot you don’t know about me,” he comments, casting a glance over at tyler.

“yeah? enlighten me.”

running a hand through his hair, josh shrugs. “well, i’m josh dun, i’m eighteen, and i like long, romantic walks on the beach –“

“fuck you, josh,” tyler interrupts, stoic.

“at least let me buy you dinner first,” josh gasps, sounding shocked. he bursts into laughter at his own joke, and tyler can’t help but laugh at the sound.

“how charming,” he mutters back, even though he’s smiling.

josh wipes away imaginary tears from underneath his eyes, grinning at tyler. tyler still really likes his smile. “what do you want for breakfast?”

“i don’t know. what do you want?”

“not fair, i asked first,” josh whines. tyler rolls his eyes.

they go at it, back and forth, for a few more seconds until josh sees a sign for denny’s and immediately shouts something about pancakes. tyler’s ears are still ringing when he pulls the pick-up into the parking lot, shuffling to unbuckle his seatbelt.

josh is already halfway across the parking lot by the time tyler swings his door open. he wouldn’t be surprised if he started skipping. it’s cute and makes his heart tug fondly.

but, josh stops being excited about pancakes long enough to hold open the door to the restaurant for tyler. he beams at him, and josh laughs, following him inside.

tyler hangs back for a moment, watching as josh talks to the girl behind the register. she’s tall and skinny and pretty, with long brown hair and brown eyes. the way she looks at josh, all wide-eyed and cutesy, makes him want to intervene.

he stands back, gritting his teeth for reasons he doesn’t really understand. he’s not jealous. why would he be jealous?

he’s still trying to reason with himself about how he’s not jealous when josh walks over.

“was she hitting on you, too?” tyler grins, half-heartedly punching josh on the arm.

josh chuckles, eyes shining. the way it makes tyler’s stomach feel is gross. “just being friendly. are you jealous?”

yes. “no,” tyler says immediately, looking scandalized that josh would even suggest such a thing. “was just afraid you’d never stop talking and we’d never eat. where are we sitting?” he asks, changing the subject.

“whatever,” josh wrinkles his nose. “getting jealous over guys you’ve just met? never took you as the type.” he steps away toward a booth at the back of the room before tyler can respond, mouth hanging slightly ajar.

“well, we did sleep in the same bed together,” tyler quips as soon as he’s within earshot, grinning when josh begins to glow slightly pink at the cheeks. he slides into the booth, flopping his elbow onto the table and resting his chin in his palm. “i mean, that counts for something, right?”

“i don’t sleep with everyone the first day i’ve known them,” josh counters, even though he’s still blushing. “you’re special, i guess.”

this time, it’s tyler’s turn to blush. before he can think of a response, the same brunette waitress that seated them sweeps up to their table.

“hi,” she chirps, putting on her best smile and looking directly at josh. tyler kind of wants to hate her. “i’m miranda, i’ll be your waitress this morning. can i get you two something to drink?”

“coffee,” josh responds, turning his gaze to tyler and raising his eyebrows smugly, almost to ask if he’s still jealous.

tyler glares at him. “i’ll have coffee, too,” he mutters, and josh begins laughing. miranda smiles once more at him before leaving.

an awkward beat of silence passes between them as they wait for their drinks, casually looking through their menus. “so,” josh clears his throat, and tyler meets his gaze steadily, folding his menu back up. he cracks a cheesy smile. “how’s the weather?”

it’s probably the lamest thing anyone has ever asked him. tyler huffs an annoyed sigh and crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back in the booth. after a few seconds of josh grinning at him, he can’t help but break into a smile of his own, flopping his hands back into his lap. “god,” he rolls his eyes, folding his arms on top of the table. “you’re lame.”

josh sticks his tongue out. tyler giggles. mature.

“alright,” miranda interrupts their stare-down by walking up to the table, once again smiling down at josh.

tyler hates her.

she pushes one mug in front of josh, and one in front of tyler. “are we ready to order?”

tyler orders a stack of blueberry pancakes, and josh goes for banana. he begins to stir sugar into his coffee, humming softly to himself; tyler picks his own mug up and peers into the murky surface.

“what, never had coffee before?” josh asks from across the table, sipping casually from his cup.

“wasn’t allowed to have coffee,” tyler explains, taking a tentative sip. he nearly spits it back into the mug, forcing himself to swallow it down and not gag on the taste.

josh laughs, pushing a bowl of creamer toward him. “how do you like it?”

“god, that’s disgusting,” tyler coughs, ripping open one of the creamers and dumping it into his cup. “how do you drink this stuff?” he stirs in sugar and creamer until it’s the color of caramel, taking another timid sip. much better. still kind of gross, but he doesn’t want to waste josh’s money.

“weak,” josh comments.

tyler refuses to give him the satisfaction of an answer.


	4. believe me i'm fine (but i'm lying)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “don’t even think about it.”  
> and, for a second, tyler doesn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for sexual assault  
> weird fuckin filler chapter idk
> 
> (title - fall away by top)

“i’m just _saying_ ,” josh groans in exasperation, poking a finger at tyler accusingly, “that pepsi tastes way better than coke –“

“i can’t believe you just said that to me,” tyler cuts him off with a shocked gasp, looking incredulous that josh would even begin to suggest such a thing. “there is no way in _hell_ pepsi tastes better than coke –“

josh interrupts with a scoff and a roll of his eyes. “it’s _true_! just admit it!”

tyler sneers. “admit what? that you’re _wrong_?”

“i’m never wrong!”

“you’re wrong right now!”

“and you’re kind of being a dick!”

tyler pauses at the sudden outburst, eyes narrowed in confusion and mouth half open as he tries to formulate a response. josh stares back, jaw clenched, fork gripped in his hand as if he’s about to stab tyler to death.

for a second, they stare at each other with anger burning in their eyes, until josh cracks and begins giggling. tyler tries valiantly to keep being stoic, but josh is adorable when he laughs and he can only hold for a second longer before he begins to bubble over into laughter.

they’re still giggling at each other by the time their waitress comes on over, tipping josh yet another a bright smile and stacking their plates. tyler doesn’t think she’s cast him a single glance all morning, and she’d somehow found an excuse to be at their table every five minutes or so. “alright,” she chirps, placing a black check book by josh’s elbow. “have a great day.”

before she turns away, she winks at josh. and then she walks away like she hadn’t done anything.

tyler thinks he might’ve been seeing things, if it wasn’t for the estranged look that crosses josh’s face as soon as her back is turned. “did she just –“ he begins to ask, but doesn’t bother to finish his question, shaking his head in mild disbelief. “okay. weird.”

he clicks his tongue, still shaking his head, and flips open the check book. his eyes skim the page, eyebrows furrowing for a second before he promptly bursts into loud laughter.

“what?” tyler asks, feeling like he’s missed out on some sort of inside joke. when he gets no response aside from more of josh laughing, he plucks the book from his hand and looks for himself.

at the bottom of the receipt, in cursive handwriting, is miranda’s name and number, complete with a little dotted heart over the ‘i’. tyler stares at it in shock for a second, lips curling up into a wry smile.

“should i tell her that i’m gay?” josh mumbles as soon as he can breathe normally, sweeping tears from underneath his eye with the pad of his thumb.

“oh, god, you’ll _crush_ her,” tyler gasps, feigning mock horror. his gasp turns into a wicked smile. “you should totally do it.”

“you’re awful,” josh says, even as he grins crookedly. he puts a few bills into the check book and stands, stalking off in the direction of the register to be the unfortunate bearer of bad news. tyler huffs a laugh and stumbles to his feet, shoving his hands into his pockets and following after.

he catches the tail end of the scene unfolding. josh is shifting his weight from foot to foot, very awkwardly pulling at his hair and avoiding eye contact at all costs with a very crestfallen-looking miranda. “sorry,” he hears josh saying, shrugging his shoulders. “you’re really nice, and –“

tyler’s not sure he wants to hear any more, just for the sake of the poor girl, so he opens the door to the restaurant and moves outside, picking his way across the parking lot and sliding into the pick-up. he barely waits for half a minute before josh is pulling open the driver’s side door and climbing in behind the wheel, ruffling up his hair and sighing softly.

“how’d she take it?” tyler asks, batting his eyelashes innocently.

“well, she said she was sorry for ruining our date,” josh huffs, sticking the key into the ignition and shooting tyler a look he can’t quite discern but he’s sure is not a fond one.

tyler sits quietly, playing with his fingers and feeling slightly guilty. he doesn’t like the atmosphere in the pick-up truck at the moment. “it’s better than her wondering why you never called her,” he offers, after a moment of watching josh turn on the engine, shift gears and back up out of the parking lot.

he can’t tell if josh is angry or not. he shuffles back into the seat, pulling his legs up and wrapping his arms loosely around his knees, resolving to stay quiet for however long it takes for the mood to dissolve.

except, it takes way longer than tyler was expecting. josh is still freakishly silent, the quietest tyler has ever heard him in the two days of knowing him (he seemingly never stops talking, but tyler doesn’t complain, he likes his voice) by the time thirty minutes rolls around. he’s a little more than pissed that he’s being given the silent treatment, especially over something so _trivial_ , but he’s too proud to speak first. his ego wouldn’t allow it.

thirty minutes rolls into thirty-five and tyler thinks he might just explode from tension. he chews on the inside of his lip, messes with his fingers and stares out the window, refusing to even so much as _look_ at josh.

fortunately, by the time forty-two minutes have gone by of pure silence (not that tyler is counting, or anything), josh turns on the radio and breaks the dismal atmosphere threatening to suffocate them both. he flickers through the static until he finds something clear, settling back into his seat with one hand on the wheel. he still hasn’t spoken, but the radio makes tyler feel just a little bit better.

josh taps the beat out of overdone and clichéd pop songs on the wheel, humming under his breath and even bobbing his head every once in a while. tyler watches him, head tilted to the left where it’s propped up on the top of his knee, with a tiny smile. he wants to say _something_ , but nothing feels right enough in the current span of things. he doesn’t have to say anything, in the end, because josh interrupts his thoughts.

“didn’t your mother ever tell you that staring was rude?” he teases, a certain lilt to his tone that makes tyler sure that things are okay between them again. he sighs, rolling his eyes, even though he’s beyond glad that they can go back to how everything was supposed to be.

“can’t help it,” he mutters, pouting slightly. “there’s not much to look at out here.”

josh makes a noise of disagreement in the back of his throat. “remind me to get gas soon,” he casually attempts to change the subject, rolling his shoulders.

“we could play i spy,” tyler prattles on, bouncing slightly in his seat.

the glare josh sends him gives him shivers. if looks could kill. “don’t be like that,” he whines, but josh continues to look at him like he’s suggested they commence robbing a bank. “i spy, with my little eye –“

“tyler, _no_ ,” josh cuts him off.

“i _spy_ ,” tyler continues, narrowing his eyes in challenge, “with my little eye, a really cute guy.”

josh inhales sharply, shooting tyler another _look_. he grins, waggling his eyebrows, and laughs when he sees a blush begin to creep up into josh’s cheeks. “okay, your turn.”

“you think i’m cute,” josh completely ignores the fact that it’s his turn to state, still sort of dumb-founded and helplessly confused.

“i mean, i’m not the only one,” tyler shrugs as if it’s no big deal. “ _miranda_ thought you were cute, too –“

“tyler, fuck off.” josh’s tone is sharp, but the corner of his lip is quirked up and he’s beginning to blush even more profusely. tyler grins, curling back up into the seat and tugging at the hem of his t-shirt.

“sorry,” he chuckles, even though he’s not, in the slightest bit. “bet you’re regretting picking me up off the side of the road now, huh?”

“not really,” josh admits, glancing out the window to avoid tyler’s eyes. “i kind of like having you around.”

tyler’s brain refuses to function properly. he hides his smile behind his fingertips, huffing softly. “i guess you’re _kind of_ growing on me,” he mumbles, and now _he’s_ the one blushing as josh rolls his eyes, shooting tyler a grin.

“oh, is that why you get jealous when i talk to anyone else?” josh quips, laughing at the look that immediately crosses tyler’s face.

“i do _not_ get jealous, josh.”

“alright, so you wouldn’t be upset if i called miranda right now?”

“not at _all_ ,” tyler spits through gritted teeth and narrowed eyes. “why would you even call her? you’re gay.”

a brief second of thought passes before josh shrugs and mumbles, “touché.”

tyler sighs.

+

“don’t forget to get gas,” tyler pipes up, pointing in the direction of a gas station in the middle of nowhere on the side of the road.

it’s shady as all hell, but josh really doesn’t feel like pushing the truck anywhere, so he flicks on his turn signal and pulls onto the side road. he turns into the parking lot, and there’s only two other cars; a weird, desolate sort of feeling sinks in his gut as he pulls up next to a pump. “i’m gonna run inside and pay,” he says while pushing open his door, swinging his legs out and stretching. “you okay out here?”

“yeah,” tyler chirps, giving josh a bright smile and fumbling out of the truck. “i’ll pump the gas for you.”

“sweet.” josh glances around the parking lot again and starts in the direction of the station. tyler crosses around the front of the truck and pops open the gas cap, pulling the dispenser off of the pump and inserting it into the tank.

he leans up against the side of the truck and watches the numbers fly up, for lack of anything better to do. he wonders when, exactly, josh will be back because this place kind of reminds him of the gas station from the first silent hill movie and it’s sort of freaking him out –

“excuse me,” a voice to his right interrupts his thoughts and he jumps, immediately leaning away from the source of the noise with wide eyes and a pounding heart. “oh, sorry. didn’t mean to scare you.”

certainly not josh. “it’s fine,” tyler mumbles, even though it’s not, clearing his throat and taking in the stranger’s appearance. he’s got fairly average features, with brown hair and brown eyes, but he towers over tyler by at least five inches and it’s fucking terrifying. nothing is particularly striking about his appearance, but something about him seems _off_.

“what’s a pretty boy like you doing out here all alone?” the man leers at him, leaning in and resting his shoulder up against the truck. he reeks like cigarettes and tyler’s stomach turns inside out with sudden fear and disgust.

he visibly shrinks underneath his gaze, stumbling backwards and momentarily forgetting how to speak. he keeps looking tyler up and down, grinning like a shark, taking his apparent lack of answer as a sign to keep talking and further invade his personal space. “i’m chris. d’you wanna come back to my place? i’m sure we could have some _real_ fun.”

his voice lilts into a purr and tyler continues to further back away until his thigh hits the dispenser still lodged in his tank. fuck. “uh, no thank you,” he finally manages to say something, voice tiny and wavering unsteadily; chris rolls his eyes, his smile growing bigger as he backs him up into a corner. where’s _josh_ at?

“don’t be like that, baby,” chris pouts, sliding closer and reaching out a hand to brush against his shoulder. tyler recoils as far as he can manage, swallowing harshly as terrified tears well up in his eyes.

“please stop,” tyler squeaks out, shaking underneath his gaze. he slides the same hand up tyler’s inner thigh and chuckles, dark and rough, at the tiny sob that escapes him. “i don’t – i don’t want –“

“c’mon, sugar –“

“what the _fuck_?” chris’ words are cut off by a familiar voice shouting unintelligibly from behind them, somewhere; tyler can’t tell the difference between up and down as the towering figure is ripped away from him forcefully. he crumples to the ground and buries his face against his thighs, skin still burning from where he’d been touched, heaving out shaking sobs and shuddering all over.

“don’t _ever_ fucking touch him again,” josh is shouting, loud and livid. something else follows but tyler clamps his hands over his ears, blocking out the noise as his skin _crawls_ ; he swears he can still feel someone breathing on him, touching him, pressing up against him –

something touches his wrist and he screams out of instinct, twisting out of their grasp. “stop, stop, _stop_ ,” he’s barely aware that he’s shouting, shaking his head wildly and cowering against the ground. someone is calling his name but he can’t focus through the pounding in his head, his pulse racing in his ears, his own sobs being ripped from his throat –

“tyler, it’s me,” josh pleads, sounding about a million miles away through the fog in tyler’s head; he kneels on the ground in front of his shaking, sobbing form and hesitates, trying to find the right words. “he’s gone, okay, he can’t hurt you anymore. you need to breathe, okay? listen to me and breathe. i’m right here.”

tyler scrambles to remember his breathing exercises through the panic running through his veins. he listens to josh’s voice, strong and constant and calm, and he forces himself to breathe, to bring himself down. a hand touches his hip and he swallows down the terror that courses through him, clenching and unclenching his hands in the fabric of his t-shirt.

“you’re okay,” josh murmurs, rubbing soothing circles into tyler’s hip. “can you sit up?”

hesitant and shaky, tyler nods, blinking open wet eyes as josh helps him resituate himself. the world spins in a dizzying mix of colors and shapes as he sits on the ground, aligning himself with the world; the only thing that seems constant is josh’s presence in front of him, hand still resting on his hip as he waits for him to calm down.

“you okay?” josh asks, and tyler shakes his head slightly, leaning into him and tucking his head up against josh’s shoulder. josh makes a small, surprised noise in the back of his throat, but he wraps his arms around tyler’s waist and tugs him closer, running his hands up and down his spine.

tyler has lost his perception of time for the moment; he doesn’t know how long he sits there with josh wrapped around him, listening to the sound of his breathing and slowly bringing himself down. when his heart rate has calmed into normality, he lifts his head up from josh’s shoulder, heaving in a deep breath.

josh holds him for a second longer just to make sure he’s okay before retracting himself. he sighs and pulls himself to his feet, brushing off his jeans before leaning over and reaching out a hand to tyler; he stares at his open palm emptily for a second, taking it softly and allowing josh to help hoist him to his own feet.

he sways, unsteadily, his legs aching from being sat uncomfortably for so long. tilting his head up from where he’s been staring at the ground, he meets josh’s eyes and sees that his face has taken the ‘worried’ look; he offers a timid, fake smile and leans in to wrap his arms around his shoulders. “thank you,” he mumbles, and josh sighs in relief, tugging tyler close at the waist.

this time, tyler counts, holding his breath. one, two, three, four, five seconds before he lets josh go, feeling the loss of his touch when he pulls away instantly like a physical ache in his bones; he wants to hug him more but instead he stumbles away and clambers back into the truck’s passenger seat.

absently, he rubs at his knee and his skin crawls at the memory of _his_ hand sliding up his thigh; he shudders, yanking his hand away, fresh tears welling up in his eyes. god, what if josh hadn’t been there?

the driver’s door creaks open and tyler hurriedly wipes at his face, forcing away his tears and relaxing back into the seat. josh says nothing, just situates himself behind the wheel and starts the engine, driving away from this godforsaken place. in the silence as they drive, lost in their own thoughts, tyler’s mind wanders; he forces his thoughts away from what had happened, doing his best to drown the memory. he’ll take anything else to think about, but his mind is warped with panic and sadness.

he never gets to see his siblings again. he’d almost been raped out in the middle of nowhere. he has no future, no plan, no life; he doesn’t know where he’s going to end up in the long span of things. all he has going for him is _josh_ , who’s still so new to him but can hardly be called a stranger any longer, not with how things had gone that day. josh, who’s more than likely saved his life twice, who’s showed him so much kindness and compassion in the short amount of time they’d known each other.

he shifts, huffing softly and leaning up against the window. as much as he wants to forget it ever happening, he goes right back to thinking about being fucking assaulted in a gas station parking lot. he swears he can still feel him breathing on him, touching him, purring in his ear – _stop, tyler_. he shivers again, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from crying out. things could’ve gone so much worse if josh hadn’t showed up in time.

josh saved him. and comforted him. it seems almost like it’s an impossibility, to be treated with such gentleness after a lifetime of neglect and abuse; had it even been _real_? was he dreaming? he remembers it with too much clarity, remembers the slide of josh’s hands up and down his back, his calm, steady voice whispering to him, the touch and press of their skin if tyler shifted even slightly.

it’s real. everything is real.

“thank you,” he croaks, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. his eyes sting with tears again.

josh looks surprised at the sound of his voice, lapsing into a timid smile in tyler’s direction. “hey, it’s not a problem,” he says, reaching out a hand as if to pat tyler’s thigh; he retracts it at the last moment, putting it back on the steering wheel stiffly. “don’t even think about it.”

and, for a second, tyler doesn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> which is better, pepsi or coke :^)


	5. two black eyes from loving too hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they’re pretty close into crossing into indiana, and he’s set on driving all damn night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (title - l.a. devotee by p!atd)
> 
> please don't start expecting like frequent updates from me or anything haha  
> i joined my school musical and it takes up 90% of my time but i'll do my best to keep posting

despite it having happened god knows how many hours ago (he’s lost track of time), josh is _still_ angry.

angry that someone had put their hands on tyler, angry that he hadn’t been there in enough time to stop it from happening at all, angry at himself for leaving him alone.

he won’t let it happen again. he promises himself that he won’t leave him alone again. tyler doesn’t exactly have a lot going for him right now. he really can’t afford to be left alone.

josh huffs, tugging at his hair in frustration and gripping harder at the wheel with his free hand. he’s in way over his head, this time, and he’s not sure if he’s going to be able explain it all away like he used to be able to. he’s already run out of excuses to tell debby about why his trip home was running so much later than expected, why he was still in the middle of fucking ohio.

well, not really in the middle, per se. they’re pretty close into crossing into indiana, and he’s set on driving all damn night. they can get a hotel room later. he just wants out of ohio.

the clock on the radio reads six twenty-three p.m. tyler had been asleep for hours on end; josh doesn’t really blame him in the slightest. he’s been through a lot. he wouldn’t want to be awake, either. he really does miss tyler’s endless bouts of talking, however, because it makes the drive seem longer and it’s boring beyond all belief without his voice.

he goes through the same motions he’s been doing for hours; flipping through scratchy radio stations even though all his truck can pull is old, shitty country, messing with his hair, yawning, and driving this seemingly endless stretch of road.

josh is kind of beginning to wonder if driving all the way back to l.a. is really even worth it, or if he can get by living somewhere in indiana, when tyler begins to stir.

“hey, sleeping beauty,” josh greets, smiling gently and fondly at him. the swelling in his nose is nearly completely gone and the bruising has been reduced a lot, but it’s still the most noticeable part of his face. at least he’s cute.

tyler grunts, rubbing at his gritty eyes and pushing his hands up through his hair, blinking tiredly at the horizon. “hey,” he croaks, voice hoarse and quiet, and josh would be lying if he said that tyler’s sleepy voice wasn’t the cutest damn thing he’d ever heard. “where are we?”

“we’re getting pretty close to indiana.”

he stifles a yawn with the back of his hand, stretching out against the seat and fixing the weird crick in his back from how he’d been sleeping. “how long have i been asleep?”

“ _forever_.”

at least that makes tyler laugh. just a little bit. the sound makes josh’s heart tug fondly. “sorry, your highness, a growing boy’s gotta sleep.”

“tyler, we’re literally the same age.”

“we’re _growing_ ,” tyler continues. “you have to sleep at some point, too.”

“i can sleep when i’m dead. i want out of ohio.”

tyler grows a little quiet at the mention of his home state’s name. it’s not really his home any longer, is it? he doesn’t really even have a home. he’ll just have to find a new place to belong or something, if he can make it that far.

“hey, don’t worry about it,” josh mumbles, feeling tyler’s downward shift in mood almost as if it was his own. he reaches out and gently pats his lower thigh, smiling as reassuringly as possible. “we’ll figure it out.”

maybe tyler imagines josh’s hand lingering on his knee long after his sentence hangs in the air, but he really doesn’t mind. it’s not like he got a lot of positive physical contact when he was growing up. it’s a welcome change.

“thank you,” he says, even if he doesn’t really have a specific reason, not with all josh has done for him.

“it’s no problem,” josh responds because he understands. he’s pretty good at that.

+

it’s a little past seven p.m. when the truck’s fuel gauge flickers into the dangerously low part of the red zone, as josh likes to call it. “i gotta get gas,” he murmurs, hesitant. he really doesn’t feel like stopping for gas ever again, if he could help it at all, but it’s a necessity they unfortunately can’t skip out on.

tyler doesn’t respond. he’s tugging at a loose thread at the inseam of his jeans, distant.

“you should –“ josh begins, cutting himself off mid-sentence as he tries to pull together the right words. he doesn’t want to push tyler into anything he doesn’t want to do, but he also doesn’t want a repeat of the day’s earlier events. “you can come inside with me. if you want.”

“yeah,” tyler speaks after a second, quiet, but he doesn’t look up from his jeans. it’s unlikely that he’ll be assaulted twice in the same day, but he’s not one to tempt fate. never has been. he lapses back into silence.

the silence is unsettling, but more or less expected, all things considered. he drives for maybe five more minutes, becoming increasingly more nervous at the prospect of pushing his pick-up anywhere when he spots a gas station just around the bend of the road. “thank god,” he sighs, exhaling a tense sort of chuckle.

no response. again. josh tilts his head to tyler, half opening his mouth before shutting it. he doesn’t know what he wants to ask. if he’s okay? he knows that he’s most likely not okay. there’s no point to asking if he already knows the answer. the words hang on the tip of his tongue, just begging to be spoken, up until the point where he’s pulling into the parking lot and stopping next to a pump.

“alright, gas,” he chirps, doing his best to help dissolve the strangeness of the atmosphere with a flimsy smile that tyler doesn’t return. “c’mon.”

he only hums in acknowledgement, the sound hollow and empty at best as he unbuckles his seatbelt and slides his door open. he meets josh at the front of the pick-up and matches his pace as they walk together, pointedly ignoring the weird glances josh keeps sending him. he’s fine.

someone shouts behind them as they’re walking, followed by a loud bout of laughter. normally, josh wouldn’t think twice about the noise except for being mildly annoyed, but tyler jumps at his side. without even a thought, he immediately moves toward josh and latches a hand around his wrist, knees locking up.

“hey, it’s okay,” josh soothes, and tyler relaxes just a fraction at the calmness of his voice. he doesn’t move away from josh’s side, fingers still wrapped painfully tight around his wrist, heart thrumming in his throat. “i won’t let anything happen to you.”

_breathe, tyler, it’s okay. nothing bad is going to happen_. deep breath in. deep breath out. he feels his heart rate recede slowly, and he carefully unwraps his fingers from josh’s wrist, shoving away his panic. _it’s okay_.

josh waits patiently at his side, eyes affixed to his face. “you okay?”

“yeah,” tyler mumbles, cringing at how rough his voice sounds. he swallows and tries again. “yeah, i’m good.” he’s now painfully aware that he’s standing in the middle of a gas station parking lot like an idiot. he feels ridiculous, getting scared just by some random teenage boys shouting somewhere behind him, and his cheeks begin to heat up.

josh gently touches his elbow, grounding him. “are you sure?”

“i’m fine,” he assures, not sure if he’s talking more to josh or himself. “let’s go.”

he walks away without waiting for him. josh stands back for a second, momentarily confused, before shaking his head and following tyler into the store. immediately, tyler breaks away from his side, wandering around down an aisle brimming with random souvenir items and touching everything in the vicinity; josh huffs fondly, saying nothing but watching as tyler picks up random items and looks at them in amazement. he gets distracted by a rack of postcards, shifting his gaze from tyler to look at one with a dog on the front of it.

“hey, josh.”

he looks up from the postcard he’s glancing over, only to be blinded by a flash of bright, white light.

he blinks a few times, staggering unsteadily, only to open his eyes to a grinning tyler dangling a disposable camera in front of his nose. despite himself and the burning sensation every time he blinks, he smiles back, snatching the camera from tyler and snapping a quick photo back.

“you didn’t let me say cheese,” tyler pouts. josh hands the camera back and tyler marvels at it, turning it over and over in his hands with a crooked smile. he’s never seen someone so in awe by such a simple object, and it’s so endearing his heart might burst. finally, he glances up from the camera in his hands and grins at josh hopefully, all shining eyes and teeth. “can we buy it? please?”

josh’s breath catches in his throat. _we_. he'll probably never get used to hearing that. “yeah,” he says without a second thought, and tyler laughs gleefully. his heart skips a beat at the sound. “of course we can.”

they move up to the register together, the camera clutched to tyler’s chest. he seems almost reluctant to put it on the counter as josh pays for it along with the gas, refusing a bag in favor of carrying it to the truck. it’s peculiar, but josh doesn’t ask any questions, and tyler carefully ignores the weird looks the cashier is giving him.

the parking lot is blessedly empty when they exit the store; tyler still climbs inside of the truck as josh goes to pump the gas, peering through the lens of the camera at the bright red sunset reflecting off of the window. he doesn’t take a picture, just looks at the sky and smiles to himself. josh slides open the driver’s door and tyler turns to him; he smiles instinctively, and tyler raises his camera and takes a picture of him.

josh snorts with a roll of his eyes, settling behind the wheel and starting up the engine.

a beat of silence passes between them before tyler gestures with his camera and mumbles, “my parents never really let me have anything.”

they both pause. josh tries to find something to say, to offer his sympathy or relate to him, but tyler shakes his head before he can say anything and gently puts the camera in his lap. “it feels nice to like – i don’t know. own something? that i don’t have to share or that won’t get taken away from me. it’s just mine.” his voice trails off until he’s merely whispering, face drawn like he’s about to cry. he clears his throat, blinks away his bitter, unshed tears and mumbles, “thank you.”

josh would probably try to buy him the fucking moon if he asked. he's in way too deep. “you’re welcome,” he responds, voice coming out stronger than he expected with the amount of emotions he’s trying to wade his way through. he feels like he needs to say more, but nothing comes to him that seems appropriate; instead, he reaches over and touches tyler’s knee, trying to convey his sympathy through physicality.

for a second, he lingers. he goes to retract his hand, but tyler gently places his own over the top of his before he can move, keeping him in place. josh looks at their hands, more surprised than confused; tyler’s done a lot of confusing things in the time they’ve spent together, and he just continues to surprise him. his palm is warm and firm and his fingers are long and skinny, fitting comfortingly between the spaces of josh’s. he kind of never wants to stop touching his hand, if the world would allow it.

and, fortunately, the universe seems to allow him this small mercy. he keeps on waiting for tyler to move his hand away, but he never does, just softly rubs geometric patterns against his knuckles with his fingertips as time ticks by.

a sharp, shrill ringing breaks their comfortable silence; startled, tyler yanks his hand away, and josh sighs, restraining himself. he digs around in his pocket until he finds his phone, jamming it up to his ear without checking the caller id and mumbling an annoyed hello.

“who is it?” tyler questions from his side. josh mouths ‘my roommate’, resituating the phone next to his ear as debby continues to immediately pepper him with numerous questions he can’t be bothered to answer.

“we’re about to hit indiana,” he sighs in a half-hearted explanation when she asks where he is, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. suddenly, his eyes blow wide as he realizes he’d accidentally slipped up and said _we_ ; she still didn’t know about tyler, and he didn’t have a good enough excuse to give her. she pauses, taking the new bit of information in, before quickly beginning to pry about what he meant by ‘we’. _who are you with?_ “it’s a long story, deb," he interrupts, continuing to prattle off in one breath before ending the call, "i promise i’ll explain later, i love you, bye!"

she was going to be _pissed_. as a matter of fact, she calls twice more after he hangs up, but josh merely silences his phone and shoves it back into his pocket. tyler’s giving him a puzzled look, and josh can just tell he’s seconds away from asking what the hell was happening all of the sudden.

“that was my roommate,” josh begins, even though it’s a little redundant, as tyler already knows. “debby. i haven’t –" he pauses, drawing in a deep breath. "i haven’t exactly told her about all of _this_ , just yet. but don’t worry, it’s not a big deal. i’ll tell her, i just need to figure out how.”

he chances a look at tyler’s face, immediately regretting his poor decisions and inability to talk under pressure. his eyebrows are furrowed, eyes narrowed, lips drawn together as he processes the entire thing.

“it’ll be okay,” josh assures, voice cracking slightly. was it going to be okay? he has no idea. “i promise. you’re not a burden on me and you won’t be on her, trust me. i’m not – i won’t just leave you alone, okay? we’ll figure it all out.”

tyler’s quiet for a long, drawn-out moment. josh's heart _stops_. he sighs, hesitating, before mumbling, “what’s debby like?”

josh heaves in a relieved breath, feeling the anxiety physically drain from his bones. he runs a hand through his hair and huffs softly, forcing himself to relax. “she’s really great. she's pretty much my best friend. when i left home, i was stuck on the streets for a couple months and i didn’t exactly like it, but i had to resort to the whole cardboard sign thing for a while. she, uh – offered me a place to stay until i could get back on my feet. and we really hit it off. i got a job and i helped pay her rent, and i kind of just never moved out.”

he exhales, glancing back at tyler again. he’s fixated on the camera in his lap, turning it over in his hands. “kind of like you and me,” he eventually says, smiling timidly at his camera. then, he adds with a more positive tone, “i can’t wait to meet her.”

placated, josh grins. “exactly. she’ll love you.”

tyler pulls his legs up into the seat and relaxes, tilting his head over to josh and admiring him in the dim light as he drives. he’s pretty, all soft features and smiles, and tyler could probably look at him forever without complaint. he doesn’t know how long he stares, losing track of time as he traces the details of his face repeatedly, for lack of anything better to do with himself. he doesn’t feel tired, otherwise he’d be sleeping. he’s been doing a lot of sleeping lately. it sure beats being forced to wake up at seven a.m. every morning.

on the other hand, josh is growing sleepier by the second, breaking into a yawn every other minute or so and near constantly rubbing at his eyes with the palm of the hand not occupied by steering. tyler’s a little afraid he might doze off behind the wheel within the next few seconds if he doesn't wake up. or let tyler drive. either one works fine.

“josh,” he pipes up. “here, let me drive.”

“you can drive?” josh asks, furrowing his eyebrows and tilting his head to tyler lazily.

“mhm,” he confirms, despite the fact that he doesn’t have a license, he was never allowed to get a permit, and he’s only driven a total of two times (his father nearly beat him within an inch of his life over that incident). besides, it’s a straight road, how hard can it be? “c’mon. you need to sleep.”

uncertainly, josh looks at him before shrugging. “yeah, okay,” he mumbles, carefully pulling the car to a stop on the side of the road. he pushes open his door and stumbles out onto the ground, stretching his arms out above his head.

tyler slides across the seat and settles behind the wheel, becoming familiar with the controls and fastening his seatbelt over his chest. josh flops down ungracefully into the passenger side next to him, buckling himself in and leaning back. “try not to crash,” he murmurs sleepily, rubbing at his eyes again.

“thanks for the confidence,” tyler rolls his eyes, placing both hands on the wheel, trying to gather the courage to actually move the truck. gently, he eases the gearshift into drive and steers back onto the road slowly. nice and easy. driving’s not that scary.

josh watches him for a second through hooded eyes, breaking into yet another yawn and shifting around until he's leaned up against the window. “nice job,” he praises, letting his eyes slide closed. “wake me up if you need me.”

he hums, eyes locked on the road underneath the yellow glow of the headlights. within a few minutes, josh’s breathing begins to even out and slow, slumping down into the seat. it’s the most peaceful tyler has ever seen him, set right with the world with nothing to worry about.

it’s just tyler, the truck, and the moon.


	6. let me touch you where your heart is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ty, i think you might be overreacting.”  
> “i’m a murderer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (title - temporary fix by one direction)  
> i'm still 1d trash probably and IM NOT SORRY FUCK YOU
> 
> i'm also an asshole and i like suffering  
> tw for animal death but it's super minor

tyler’s just about beginning to think that maybe he has the hang of driving down, even though he’s only actually been behind the wheel for maybe ten minutes. it’s a straight road, there’s no traffic, and he doesn’t even need to switch gears. all he needs to do is focus on the road, keep his hands steady on the wheel, and stay in his lane. it’s perfect and he’s feeling pretty good about himself. fuck his dad for never letting him get his permit, he would’ve aced his driving test with flying colors.

that is, until something runs across the road and he screams, immediately swerving to the right to avoid hitting _whatever_ it is. the truck makes a god-awful crunching sound, tires squealing and spinning, entire thing bumping up as it rolls over god knows what and crashes to an abrupt stop on the side of the road.

“oh, god, oh my god,” he mumbles, hands still locked around the wheel; he’s squeezing so tightly that his knuckles are turning white, eyes wide and focused unseeingly out the window.

he vaguely hears someone speaking to him through the pounding of his heart in his ears; he slowly turns his head to josh, sitting upright and as white as a sheet in the passenger’s seat, and promptly bursts into tears.

“tyler, ssshh,” josh attempts to soothe him as he fumbles to unbuckle his seatbelt with his hands shaking, but tyler only cries harder. “wait, tyler, it’s fine – are you okay?”

as soon as he can get his seatbelt off, he moves toward tyler, cupping his face in his hands and wiping away the tears underneath his eyes. “hey, it’s okay,” he mumbles, petting at his face and silently begging him to stop crying. “it’s okay, my fault, i shouldn’t have let you drive. here, deep breaths, you’re okay.”

tyler hiccups, clutching at josh’s wrists and squeezing his eyes closed.

“keep breathing, ty,” josh instructs, pressing away his tears with his thumbs. “you’re alright. just breathe for me, okay? you’re doing fine.”

he focuses on josh’s pulse beating steady in his wrists, forcing himself to take in deep breaths and match josh’s pulse to his own. strong and steady and calm.

“there you go. keep breathing. everything’s okay.”

josh continues to wipe away his tears, the press of his hands around his jaw comforting and constant. they stay in place long after he stops crying, holding and grounding him as his breathing calms and his heart rate slows.

“i think i hit something,” tyler mumbles, voice hoarse, as he creaks open his wet eyes to blink tiredly at josh.

his hands slide from tyler’s jaw down his neck, settling on his shoulders, thumbs pressing against his collarbone. “do you want me to go look?” he offers.

_no_ . he doesn’t know if having a definite answer to whether or not he killed something will make him feel better or worse. “please.”

“okay. wait here.” his hands linger on his shoulders before the feeling dissipates; tyler rubs at his eyes irritably and watches josh slide out of the pick-up, gently closing the door behind him.

he chances a look out the window, moving into the passenger’s seat and peering outside. the pick-up is situated awkwardly in a ditch, half-in and half-out, tilted toward the ground. he collapses back into the seat, shoulders slumping forward with a tired sigh. great job, tyler.

“well,” josh’s voice breaks his self-loathing as he opens up the truck’s door and pulls himself in. he ruffles up his hair awkwardly, restarting the truck’s engine before turning to tyler. the look in his eyes says it all.

tyler inhales sharply, curling up in the seat and pressing his face up against his knees. “what was it?” he asks, voice muffled by the fabric of his jeans.

he takes his sweet time righting the pick-up back on the road, setting out at an easy pace before gently saying, “just a raccoon.”

“ _just_ a raccoon!” tyler wails, snapping his head up from his knees to give josh a nasty look. “i killed something!”

“tyler, it’s dark outside, you didn’t see him –“

“i murdered an innocent raccoon!”

“it was an accident –“

“what if he had a _family_?”

“it’s really not a big deal –“

“i’m going vegan,” tyler decides sharply, crossing his arms over his chest with a loud huff.

“vegan,” josh echoes slowly, processing. “ty, i think you _might_ be overreacting.”

“i’m a murderer.”

“you’re really not,” he reasons, running out of things to say. “look, let’s get a hotel room and sleep on it, okay? if you still feel like being vegan in the morning we’ll figure something out.”

tyler huffs, glaring at josh through narrowed eyes. “fine,” he assents petulantly, curling his arms around the tops of his knees and resting his chin on his forearm. then, softly, “i killed a raccoon.”

josh bites back his sigh, looking sympathetically at him. he looks about on the verge of crying again. “tyler,” he says, furrowing his eyebrows when tyler turns to look at him with tear-brimming eyes. he sighs, reaching out his hand and rubbing tyler’s shoulder soothingly. “it was an accident, okay? it wasn’t your fault.”

he nods, leaning into the press of josh’s hand and sniffling slightly, hastily brushing away his unshed tears. “i’m sorry,” he murmurs, as he so often does.

“don’t worry about it,” josh replies easily, removing his hand; tyler feels a little dejected at the loss of touch, missing it immediately. he doesn’t have to put much thought to it, not when josh casually places his hand on his lower thigh, squeezing softly, reassuringly. “everything’s gonna be okay.”

his skin burns like electricity where josh’s palm sits comfortably. a tiny smile plays on his lips as he relaxes his own over the top of josh’s, tracing circles over his knuckles and sighing in contentment. out of every single time someone has told him that things would be okay, out of every single time it never turned out okay, he believes josh without any doubt or hesitation more than he’s ever believed a thing anyone else has ever told him. everything will be okay.

+

for the entire thirty-five minutes they drive until they spot the ‘welcome to indiana’ sign on the side of the road, josh’s hand remains on tyler’s thigh, and that’s okay. it’s more than okay, actually, considering tyler could probably go the rest of his entire life with josh next to him. he never wants josh to stop touching him. he mindlessly drags his thumb across josh’s skin, brushing his fingers over his knuckles, humming softly to himself.

josh has never been this enamored in his entire fucking life. he’s exhausted, and his eyelids keep drooping; the only thing really keeping him awake is tyler humming to himself, playing with his fingers and tracing patterns into his skin with his fingertips. eventually, he grows quiet, tilting his chin back to look at the stars out the window, fingers slotted between the spaces of josh’s.

it’s when josh begins yawning every other thirty seconds or so that tyler considers offering to drive. he abruptly remembers the whole raccoon incident and the fact that josh will probably never even so much as let him touch _even_ the wheel ever again for as long as they both live. “about being vegan,” he mumbles, gently running his thumb over josh’s hand, “i might have been overreacting.”

he earns a quiet, huffing laugh from josh; he squeezes tyler’s thigh softly, and tyler tilts his head over to him, smiling brightly. josh’s heart goes all fluttery, immediately dragging his eyes away from tyler’s as a soft blush rises up into his face. he just hopes the darkness is enough to conceal at least some of the color in his cheeks.

tyler notices, smiling to himself and rubbing his thumb across josh’s wrist. “you’re cute when you blush,” he muses, laughing at josh’s disappointed huff as he glows even redder.

“i’m gonna ditch you in the parking lot,” josh mumbles emptily.

“as if you could go two seconds without me,” he shoots back, quirking up an eyebrow.

well, he’s got him there. “whatever,” he sighs, forcing back a smile when tyler chuckles and pretends to preen with his free hand. “i’d probably leave you for a taco.”

at the incredulous look on tyler’s face, he grins and says with a shrug, “alright, maybe two tacos.”

“i’m worth way more than two tacos, josh.”

josh puts on a thoughtful face. “okay, you’re right.”

“you’re ridiculous,” he complains, but there’s a lopsided grin on his face.

he leans over and turns the radio on low, relaxing back into his seat and looking out the window at the stars once more. josh yawns into the crook of his arm, tugging at his hair and absently rubbing tyler’s thigh, eyelids fluttering as he stares at the endless expanse of highway in front of them.

fortunately, they find a hotel only fifteen minutes away, as josh is seriously at the risk of falling asleep behind the wheel and no matter how much tyler pleads, he won’t let him drive.

“i don’t want to _die_ ,” tyler groans in exasperation, throwing his head back against the seat and tugging at josh’s wrist.

“we’re probably more likely to die with you behind the wheel,” josh snaps back.

that shuts tyler up for the next five minutes. he’s most likely fuming internally, judging by the way he’s now giving josh the silent treatment when he wouldn’t stop talking thirty seconds ago, but his hand is still wrapped around his wrist so he can’t be _that_ upset. hopefully. josh doesn’t have enough energy to deal with an angry tyler.

he feels a little rejuvenated, however, when he pulls into the parking lot of the hotel at the prospect of actually being able to sleep without tyler running over any more defenseless animals. being exhausted certainly doesn’t make him any nicer; tyler’s still glaring at him from the corner of his eye.

“okay,” he sighs, patting tyler’s thigh before pulling his hand away, stifling a yawn. he momentarily thinks about chasing josh’s hand and pulling it back into his lap, just to keep touching him even though he’s still kind of mad, but he settles for undoing his seatbelt and popping open his door. there’s always tomorrow.

he stumbles to his feet, stretching out his cramped legs and yawning. there’s a painful sort of ache in his neck from how he’d been sitting, but it dulls into white noise when josh approaches him, grinning all wide and sweet, both of their bags in hand. he doesn’t even bother trying to stave off his own smile, collecting his backpack and purposefully brushing his hand across josh’s.

“thank you,” he murmurs, lifting his eyes to josh’s and pausing. they stand, for a moment, looking into each other’s eyes and breathing in the same air as one entity; his knees feel a little weak at the expression in josh’s eyes. he’s never wanted something so bad in his entire life, and he’s so close to finally having what he wants, for once –

“let’s go get a room,” josh breathes, interrupting tyler’s thoughts and breaking their eye contact by tipping his head toward the hotel.

disappointment settles heavily in the pit of tyler’s stomach. but he follows after him like always, and it barely surprises him when the thought occurs that he’d most likely follow josh to the end of the earth if he asked. he’d follow him and he’d go skipping, a smile on his face, if it meant that he could hold his hand.

this time, instead of straying through the lobby, he stays right by josh’s side, warily eyeing the receptionist from around his shoulder as he talks. she’s average, with dyed orange hair and blue eyes, seemingly more interested in the basketball game on the tv across the room than in josh. he pushes away how relieved that makes him feel, swallowing down his guilt as josh holds his hand out for the keycard.

“room 102,” she says, going as far as to offer them both an estranged smile and a wink before her eyes move right back to the tv screen.

tyler narrows his eyes at her. was she really –

“ty, are you coming?”

he looks at josh, dragging his gaze away from the receptionist. he’s already halfway down the hall, head tilted to the side questioningly. he looks beyond tired; tyler feels a little guilty as he hoists his bag further up his shoulder and pads down the hallway after him.

“what room did she say it was?” even josh’s voice is practically dripping with exhaustion.

“102,” tyler responds. as an afterthought, he rests his hand on josh’s lower back, looking down the hallway. “that one.”

josh pauses at the touch of fingers on his back. his heart beats a little quicker, mouth drying up; he awkwardly grins at tyler, hoping it doesn’t look as weird as he feels. he shuffles his feet toward the door, swiping the keycard up and frowning as the door doesn’t unlock.

he tries again. and again.

“josh,” tyler mumbles, and he can practically hear the smile in his voice. he carefully takes the keycard, turns it over, and opens the door in one move. “it was backwards.”

“oh.”

tyler snorts, pushing the door open and dumping his bag by the door. “it’s okay. you’re tired.”

all of his limbs feel kind of like jello, so he feels like that’s an understatement as he drops his suitcase next to tyler’s bag, moving on to survey the room. it’s basically the same as the last one they’d stayed in; a bathroom, a kitchenette, and a double bed. it’s not exactly ideal, all things considered with what had happened in the past few days, but it’ll have to do.

tyler doesn’t seem to mind. his shoes are already toed off by the edge of the bed and he’s crawling underneath the covers on the right side, shuffling deeper until the only thing josh can see is his eyes peering at him over the top of the blanket.

a tired smile graces josh’s features as he pulls his own shoes off, placing them neatly on the top of his suitcase. he wrestles his shirt off over his head and flicks out the lights, shuffling over to the bed and flopping down ungracefully.

 _fuck_ is the only coherent thing that tyler can think of. his eyelids burn every time he blinks with the millisecond of an image he got of josh without a shirt on. he hates himself a little bit.

“hope this isn’t awkward,” josh mumbles softly as he shifts underneath the blankets. he’s facing tyler and they’re laying so close together he can feel warm breath on the side of his face. “i don’t really sleep with shirts on.”

“not really,” tyler whispers. his voice is a lot tinier than he’s used to hearing it. he swallows, and it’s so quiet in the room that both of them can hear his throat clicking.

“okay. good.” a pause, and tyler thinks he might be able to sleep. but then, quietly, “you like it.”

he breaks into a giggle, and tyler can’t help the bright red flush that immediately seeps into his face. he tries to push it away, even buries his face into the pillow.

josh is absolutely silent. then, he dissolves into nervous, bubbly laughter. tyler cracks into a smile at the sound, blushing and peering up at josh. “what’s so funny?”

“you,” josh mumbles through his giggling, shifting closer under the blanket. he takes a deep breath, blinking at tyler owlishly. “you’re funny.”

tyler has to physically instruct himself to keep breathing. his chest aches with longing, and josh looks so fucking beautiful, shrouded in the darkness. “am i?”

“yeah.” he stays quiet for a moment, the only sound between them the combination of their breathing. he inhales softly, shifting the blanket around so he can see tyler’s face clearly. “hey.”

he hums softly. josh is so close that if he reached out, he could brush the side of his face with his fingertips and _god_ , does he want to. he hesitates – and then moves his hand, gently cupping josh’s jaw like he’d done to him in the truck, carefully pressing his thumb against his cheek.

he can feel josh suck in a heavy breath, eyes fluttering closed as tyler strokes his thumb over his cheekbone. but he doesn’t move, only presses up into his touch and blinks his eyes open to gaze hazily at tyler. “ty,” he murmurs, smiling slightly; tyler can feel it underneath his palm and he laughs, leaning in.

“what?”

“i wanted to ask if you were doing okay,” josh says, eyes wide and earnest. “i know a lot has happened and all, but if you want to talk about anything, i’m here for you.”

oh.

his immediate reaction is to smile and assure that he’s fine. it’s what he’s done for his entire life because god _forbid_ he have any sort of irrational emotion outside of the box of happiness; but he doesn’t have to pretend that his life is all fine and peachy. he doesn’t have anyone to lie to anymore. it hits him with the weight of a brick that it’s just him and josh, and he’s allowed, for the first time in his life, to feel _something_.

and, in all honesty, he doesn’t feel like he’s doing okay. he doesn’t even know what being ‘okay’ really feels like, after so long of being so vindictively angry at his parents for the things they put him through.

at some point, josh had found it in him to rest a hand on tyler’s hip, tracing circles over his t-shirt. he’s been quiet for too long, lost in his own thoughts, but josh had waited patiently for him to answer. he chokes up a little bit at the weight of the new emotions coursing through him; his vision is blurred with tears as he shakes his head and softly mumbles, “i don’t know.”

“oh, tyler,” josh sighs, and he bursts into tears.

the bed dips slightly as josh rearranges himself, tugging tyler into his embrace and pulling him flush against his chest. he latches on to josh’s waist, sobbing against the skin of his neck as josh pets through his hair with one hand, holding him tight with the other. “it’s okay,” he mumbles, pressing a soft kiss to tyler’s forehead. “let it out. i’ve got you.”

tyler seems to be doing a lot of losing track of time lately. he doesn’t know if he cries for seconds or minutes or hours; all he really recognizes are the sobbing noises he’s making, clawing at josh’s bare waist and crying into the hollow of his throat, josh’s hand in his hair, holding him tightly until the waves of his mind’s waging sea ebb and slow.

and it’s amazing to josh how tyler can go from a drizzle to a hurricane in such a short space of time. he’s always been good at comforting, always was the one who bandaged up his little sibling’s scrapes and bumps and bruises and helped his sister through her first heartbreak. he’s good at emotions, but he’s so utterly confused by tyler’s sudden downward shifts, at a loss of what to do other than hold him tight and talk him through it.

maybe that’s all he needs. he eventually does come down; his tears stop and he sniffles quietly against josh’s throat, feeling drained all over, recovering slowly. “hey,” josh murmurs, smoothing his hand down his back. “i’m gonna get you some water. i’ll be right back.”

tyler slides out of his hold without words, melting against the mattress and staring emptily, almost accusingly at the vacant side of the bed. he hears the rush of water and the clink of a glass, josh’s soft footsteps falling against the hotel’s carpeted floor.

“can you sit up?”

he shifts around, fumbling groggily to a sitting position and reaching out for josh’s hand in the dark. his hand slides across josh’s palm and he freezes, taking a second to squeeze his hand, thanking him without using his voice.

“here, ty.” josh slides a glass into his grip, touching his wrist softly. he doesn’t realize just how dry his throat is until he takes the first sip; he greedily gulps down half the glass in one go, finishing off the rest quickly. for a moment, he holds the glass, unsure of what to do with it, until josh takes it from his hand and sets it on the nightstand by the bed.

he pulls back the covers and slides back into bed next to tyler, relaxing on his side and looking at him through the darkness.

“josh,” tyler mumbles, shifting closer and reaching out for something. he doesn’t really even know what he wants until josh’s hand meets his, fingers intertwining loosely. “can i –“

he cuts himself off, unsure of what exactly he’s asking to do. but josh understands, like he usually does, shifting closer and releasing tyler’s hand to instead slide around his waist.

tyler nearly wants to cry all over again. he curls up closer next to josh, tucking his head under his chin and listening to his heartbeat thrum next to his ear, strong and constant and steady. everything that tyler’s is not. his hand flutters uncertainly around josh’s shoulder before settling, draped comfortably over his throat. “thank you.”

“don’t mention it,” josh mumbles, tugging tyler a little closer up to his chest. “everything will be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tyler stop fucking crying


	7. the best you've ever had is just a memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "he’s never really put much thought into things like fate, but he thinks that maybe him and tyler were really meant to end up together in the end of things. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back and better than ever fuckers

josh is asleep within what seems like seconds.

it’s really not that surprising, all things considered. they’ve both been through plenty within the past couple of days; he tries not to feel guilty about it, he really fucking does, but it’s late and josh is sleeping and he has nothing to distract himself with. his mind wanders and he feels like everything is his fault. josh’s life would be so much easier if he’d just drove past tyler but _no_ , he had to stop and pick him up.

he keeps his hand draped softly over josh’s throat long after he falls asleep, feeling him breathe in and out. it’s nice, having someone wrapped around him; he feels wanted and accepted and appreciated, for once in his life. he never got positive attention growing up and he supposes he grew used to the feeling of being neglected. but josh is _different_ , has been different since the first day they met. he’s always finding some excuse to be touching tyler, patting his shoulder or rubbing his thigh. even just so much as smiling at him is far more than what tyler is used to being treated like.

he shifts, slightly, curling deeper into his embrace. josh shuffles around, shins sliding against tyler’s, tightening his hold on his waist. he makes adorable little noises when he sleeps, eyelashes fluttering when tyler peeks up at him over the top of the blanket; he’s so peaceful and gentle in the dim light. it’s so different from the way tyler usually sees him when they’re both awake, mind always running a hundred miles a minute at any given moment. he wants this to last forever. he just wants to lay with josh for as long as possible and pretend like nothing was ever wrong with his life in the first place.

even though so much had gone wrong already. it’s hard to focus on what’s negative when he has such a positive person draped over half of his body, snoring softly against his hair; he tries to think about what he’s supposed to do with himself, what his future is going to look like, but he keeps hitting a wall, and josh’s words play on his head in repeat. _everything will be okay. we’ll figure things out._

and tyler believes him. he believes that josh was right all along and that he probably should’ve listened to him sooner; things had a habit of working themselves out. after all, the universe had allowed him to end up in josh’s arms at the end of the night after seventeen years of feeling like nobody would ever truly want him. his parents didn’t want him, his siblings didn’t want him, but josh wanted him. that’s enough for tyler. that’s all he ever really needed. he wouldn’t give him up for the world.

he takes a deep breath and exhales softly against josh’s throat. his eyes burn every time he blinks and he’s overwhelmed with emotions he doesn’t really even understand. except for the fact that he’s exhausted and not allowing himself to sleep because he’s decided that _now_ would be a great time to go over all of his life choices. he relaxes in josh’s grip, pressing closer to his chest, and lets his eyes slide closed.

+

tyler wakes up hating his existence. it’s too bright in the hotel room and it’s too hot underneath all these blankets and something heavy is laying on him and he can barely even move around. he creaks open his eyes, glaring at the ceiling tiredly and wiggling his stiff limbs. they barely give and it’s more than a little concerning and just enough to wake him up the rest of the way; when he finally blinks enough for his vision to clear, his gritty eyes are greeted with the sight of pale skin and blue hair.

granted, he nearly screams when his sleep-stupid mind finally catches on and he figures out that it’s _josh_ sleeping on top of him. his arms are clutched around tyler’s torso, holding him in place and snoring against his throat, legs tangled together underneath the sheets. tyler makes a weird, choked-off sort of noise in the back of his throat out of surprise; josh sighs quietly, lips brushing up the underside of tyler’s jaw as he shifts himself closer, hips pressing tighter together.

he whimpers, and it’s quite honestly the most embarrassing sound he’s ever made, desperately avoiding pushing josh away from him before he does something to only humiliate himself further. he does his best to shuffle away, trying to keep his movements as unnoticed as possible, but josh isn’t having any of it and only tugs him back closer than he was before. he’s so fucked.

he tries his damndest not to think about it, he _really_ does, but it’s easier said than done when josh has his lips pressed against his neck and won’t stop moving his hips in his sleep. he’s literally pinned against the mattress underneath him and he doesn’t think he’s ever gotten this hard this fast in his entire life. there’s so much he wants to do but so little he’s actually capable of doing unless they actually bother to take the time to discuss the finer points of their so-called ‘friendship’; his chest aches with longing and he gives off a desperate sort of whine.

and that, he finds, is a mistake.

josh’s eyelids flutter softly, pressing his face closer up to tyler’s throat. for a second, he lingers, before pulling back in confusion; he narrows his eyes at tyler almost accusingly, blinking a few times before a tired, affectionate smile graces his features.

“hey,” he mumbles, voice gruff with sleep, removing his arm from around tyler’s waist and pressing his palm to his eyelid sluggishly.

tyler wants to voice his disappointment at no longer being held, but he says nothing, and josh gently begins to retract all of his limbs from where they’re tangled with his. something drags across the inside of his thigh as he’s moving his leg and he glances down – and immediately snaps his eyes back to tyler’s face at the too-obvious tent in the jeans he’d fallen asleep in, slowly turning pink. he quickly yanks himself away with a nervous laugh, sitting on the edge of the bed. he looks _miserable_ , and josh pities him, but he grins easily and starts talking before he can stop his stupid mouth from forming words. “you should probably go and fix that.”

the abhorred look that crosses tyler’s face makes it worth it, even after he registers what he’d said. he chuckles softly and slides off the bed, purposefully stretching out his arms above his head as he walks to go grab his stuff; he can feel eyes burning holes into the bare skin of his back as he bends over and picks up his suitcase.

he can hear tyler mumble a quiet, hoarse ‘ _fuck_ ’ in the other room when he closes the bathroom door behind himself. he’s still a little dazed at the fact that he’d said what he did and dizzy at the realization that he’s half-hard in his jeans; he shakes his head, stumbling over to the shower and wrenching it on _cold_. he’s not about to jerk off to some kid (his mind vaguely reminds him that he’s only a year younger and the fact that they'd essentially spooned all night) he barely knows anything about.

barely knows anything about but is already so fucking attached to. he’s toeing a really dangerous line and he’s _scared_.

he shucks off the remainder of his clothes and steps delicately into the shower, hissing as the freezing water hits his skin. shivering, he forces himself to stand directly under the spray until the edge of his arousal wavers and fades into the background of his mind. he turns the handle over to warm and runs his hands through his hair dejectedly, shoulders slumping in relief at the warmth flooding his senses.

he doesn’t have the time or energy for whatever _this_ was. he’s had crushes before, too many to count because he isn’t picky and maybe he falls in love with anyone who shows him even the tiniest bit of kindness; it makes him think of a time where the girl bagging his groceries complimented his hair and he thought about it all day long, and he chuckles softly as he picks up the complimentary hotel shampoo and pours it into his palm.

he isn’t one for relationships. he’s one for one night stands and travelling aimlessly and life in the fast lane and doing what he wants, not being tied down by one person or one life. it isn’t him, it hasn’t ever been him, but then tyler shows up with his stupidly adorable smile and laugh and mess of a life and it’s _over_.

soaping up his hair, he thinks about tyler’s smile when he thinks josh isn’t looking at him and his pretty laugh when he tells lame jokes just to hear the sound; his gut tightens and he groans half-heartedly into the crook of his elbow, pulling at his hair in frustration. he’s never been so stuck on how one person makes him feel but he can’t stop himself from thinking about the way their hands feel pressed against each other when their fingers intertwine, how tyler fit so perfectly against his chest last night like clockwork clicking into place.

he’s never really put much thought into things like fate, but he thinks that maybe him and tyler were really meant to end up together in the end of things. even if it wasn’t romantic. he doesn’t know how tyler feels about him, and he’s too much of an anxiety-riddled mess to bring up how he felt. being friends is fine, even if he has gone to sleep for the last three nights yearning for something else, something more. he could go through that every night for the rest of his stupid life if it meant tyler stayed there, somehow.

tilting his head back, he lets water rush over his skull and run over his back in soapy rivulets. he thinks about tyler again, and it’s no fucking surprise, considering he always manages to worm his way into his thoughts even when josh is trying particularly hard not to think about him; but he grins, in spite of himself, and he feels like he’s fourteen again and he just managed to hold his first girlfriend’s hand for the first time ever. it’s stupid and he hates it and he wants to have his feelings surgically removed.

he hates the way tyler makes him feel. he hates the fact that he’s too embarrassed when he’s fully, coherently awake to say anything about how they should probably be more than friends. most of all, he hates that things probably won’t ever change between them because the odd chances are, tyler doesn’t like him, won’t ever like him, and is probably just trying to get away from his past as quickly as he possibly can, with or without josh's help.

he blinks water out of his eyes and derails his train of thought away from tyler, pouring more soap into his hand and working on his body. belatedly, he realizes that he never exactly called debby back to explain the entire thing and his phone is probably overloaded with nine million missed calls and unanswered texts; his heart jumps a little, and he forcefully drags in a breath through his nose. she’ll understand, hopefully. she always has, and it’s her best friend, after all. he doesn’t think much more can go wrong.

he’s wrong.

he rinses off the rest of the soap from his body and turns the shower off, reaching around blindly for the towel he’d hung up on rack on the wall. he grips it in his hand, pausing when he hears a strange humming sort of sound; he listens more intently and realizes it’s just someone singing.

he shrugs it off and begins to towel off his hair, stepping out of the shower to go pick out clothes. the closer he gets to the door, the more he realizes that the singing’s coming from his and tyler’s hotel room; it’s lilting and almost feminine sounding, and he vaguely wonders if somehow, tyler’s invited a girl inside.

except that makes no fucking sense. it doesn’t stop a white hot spike of irrational jealousy from curling through his stomach, however, and he hurriedly wipes himself down before yanking on a new pair of boxers, jeans, and a t-shirt that smells somewhat clean. he makes a mental note to stop by a laundromat soon as gathers up his suitcase and nearly rips the door off its hinges in his haste.

no girl in sight.

just a _very_ shirtless tyler bent over his backpack as he sifts through his clothes. he’s half singing, half humming a song that josh doesn’t know; it trails off when tyler lifts his head and turns around to face josh, crookedly grinning with a handful of clothes and a really fucking obvious tent in his jeans.

josh’s eyes widen and snap to meet tyler’s gaze, swallowing audibly and refusing to look anywhere else, even as all his blood rushes south and leaves him swaying on his feet dizzily.

“you okay?” he asks, cocking his head to the side in faux-curiosity and batting his eyelashes as he walks closer to josh. “you’re looking a little pale.”

“i’m fine,” josh coughs out, internally cringing at how rough his voice sounds. he’s trying to kill him.

tyler looks like he wants to say more, but he shrugs and keeps on toward the bathroom, going as far as to bump shoulders with josh when he passes. he tosses over his shoulder a ‘sorry’ that he doesn’t even mean, and josh knows it; he stands dumbly in the middle of the room, staring at the wall with his skin burning where they’d touched.

god, he’s definitely trying to kill him.

he ignores how much tighter his jeans feel as he settles back onto the bed and unhooks his phone from the charger. just as he’d expected, there’s upwards of 20 texts and nearly 10 missed calls displayed on his screen; he huffs a sigh as he drags his thumb across the screen and taps on debby’s contact, sucking in a deep breath as he prepares for a long-winded speech that could rival the one his mother gave him about how being gay was a sin when she’d caught him fucking a friend of his.

stranger things have happened, if he’s honest.

his phone rings for maybe three seconds before the line picks up and debby’s yelling into his ear, _“joshua william dun, where the fuck are you?”_

only debby and his mother ever use his full name, and it’s never meant a good thing in his entire life. “indiana,” he starts lamely, “almost in illinois. before you start screaming again, i have to explain some things.”

 _“damn right you do,”_ she huffs reproachfully, but thankfully, she shuts up enough for him to talk it over. the entire explanation should only take about five minutes, he figures, but debby’s the type to constantly interrupt with her own proclamations and it takes upwards of ten before he has the gist of it out.

for a long, terrifying, heart-pounding moment, she’s quiet.

and then, she declares, _“he sounds great. i can’t wait to meet him.”_

josh sinks into the bed out of relief, breathily exhaling. “yeah, he is,” he agrees, closing his eyes and nodding halfway to himself.

_“did you kiss him yet?”_

his love-stupid smile turns into a disappointed frown in a heartbeat. “deb, no –“

_“when are you gonna kiss him?”_

“it’s not like that,” he groans, exasperated. even though it is definitely like that, he’s not about to admit it.

_“you’re so into him, josh, just kiss him already.”_

he goes to vehemently deny that he isn’t into tyler, even though he’s lying to himself, when the lock on the bathroom door clicks. he looks up long enough from his phone to watch as tyler swings the door open, hair dripping wet and hanging into his face. he sweeps it out of his eyes and grins at josh, and he visibly freezes up, mouth hanging open. the response he had on the tip of his tongue disappears without a trace.

his hair looks so fucking good. _he_ looks so good and it’s just unbelievable. tyler wants to kill him, he’s at least ninety percent sure. there was too many coincidences happening. tyler was fucking with him, pure and true.

and oh, god, does josh want to run his hands through his hair and tug on it until he whines and bruise his lips until he can’t breathe and maybe fuck him until he can’t walk straight; debby’s talking in his ear again but he doesn’t hear anything she’s saying, rendered stupid by just the mere sight of tyler.

“deb, i gotta go,” he mumbles hoarsely, hanging up before she can object. he swallows down everything his mind is begging for him to say, clearing his throat; tyler smiles again, and every bit of him is dripping with smug pride. josh wants desperately to hate him but he likes him so, so, _so_ much that it’s causing him serious grief in every other aspect of his life.

“josh,” tyler says, tone amused, and when josh blinks and refocuses on him he realizes he must have said something that needed a response. he goes slightly pink, ruffling up his hair like he does when he’s nervous. “are we ready to go?”

his mouth is so dry and his pants are so tight and he’s so far gone. he’s going to die. tyler is going to fucking murder him and he doesn’t even know if he cares at this point. “yeah,” he mumbles distractedly, trying valiantly to keep his mind from straying to what tyler would look like when he was moaning his name. damn it all. he clears his throat again, for lack of anything better to do with himself, and hurriedly gathers up his phone, keys, and charger. he needs out of the stifling air of the hotel room, needs a second to clear his head.

he’s the first one out the door, and he swears he can hear tyler giggling softly when he’s rushing down the hall, trying to get away for as long as possible before he has to get right back in the truck with him for god knows how long. he checks out in a rush, practically shoving the keycards into the girl’s hands before he’s out the door of the lobby and heading toward his truck.

once behind the wheel, he pushes away the urge to bash his head against the dashboard out of frustration. he stows away his suitcase in the back seat and is just starting up the engine when tyler pops the passenger’s side door open and situates himself in, throwing his bag in the back. “on the road again,” he chirps, grinning brightly at josh as if everything is fine and he’s done absolutely nothing wrong.

josh wants to abandon him in the parking lot, but he knows all too well that he'd just come back and get him five minutes later.


	8. when the zeros line up on the 24 hour clock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tyler is going to kill him.  
> if something else doesn’t get to him first, that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (title - knee socks by arctic monkeys)
> 
> don't be mad

the sun stretches bright across the horizon, reflecting off the windshield and shining into the inside of the truck. both of their windows are rolled down, the radio playing in the background as josh drives, one hand on the wheel and the other twined lazily through his own hair.

his sunglasses are slipping down the bridge of his nose but he can’t be bothered to fix them. tyler peers through the lens of his disposable camera at the road, a pair of josh’s sunglasses perched on top of his head. they’d probably be better if he was actually using them, considering the sun’s reflecting into his eyes and making him squint, but he can’t see through his camera that way. sacrifices have to be made.

he pouts, slightly, eyes flicking across the barren stretch of road. “there’s nothing to take pictures of,” he complains, pulling the camera away from his face.

josh looks over to him, shrugging. “take a picture of me,” he suggests, a smile tugging at the corner of his lip. the indiana heat has made him unbearably lazy. he’d much rather be taking a nap in the bed of the truck, preferably with tyler wrapped up in his arms. the thought makes his cheeks burn. he’d like to do a lot of things with tyler.

tyler cocks an eyebrow, raising his camera back up and snapping a picture of josh. he pretends he doesn’t see tyler, just to make it look candid, keeps staring out the window. there’s a set of eyes on the side of his face; he glances over, and tyler’s still looking at him over the top of the camera, a quiet, private smile on his face and a pretty gleam in his eyes.

“do i have something on my face?” josh asks, removing the hand in his hair to rub absently at his cheek.

“no. you’re just pretty.”

embarrassed, josh lets out a soft laugh, cheeks turning red once more. tyler sighs, gently setting his camera next to his thigh and righting josh’s sunglasses over his eyes.

“you look good in my sunglasses,” josh muses quietly, and when tyler looks over, their gazes meet. the corners of josh’s lips are pulled up in a shy smile, cheeks still tinged softly with pink. he wants tyler to wear more of his things; his shirts, hats, anything. he looks so good in his stuff.

“i’ll have to wear them more often,” tyler replies easily, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth.

he tilts his head back against the seat, basking in the sunshine and inhaling deeply, releasing his lip from between his teeth. josh knows he probably shouldn’t look at him, but he does despite his best interests at heart; there’s the slight imprint of teeth marked into the skin, the shine of his spit in the sunlight.

he wants it to be his teeth on tyler’s lips. he tears his gaze away, subconsciously licking his own lips at the thought. for his sake, he tries to derail his train of thought from tyler’s ( _perfect_ ) mouth, but he always comes back to wondering what he kisses like, what he tastes like. he swallows down his guiltiness and his eyes move back to tyler, chin tilted up and throat stretched out to the right, cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass.

his skin glows gold in the sun’s rays, and josh wants to touch him, run his hands up his arms and chest and thighs. everywhere.

almost as if he can hear josh’s thoughts processing (josh hopes against all odds that he can’t, for both of their sakes), tyler turns to look at him. his hand comes up to push his sunglasses back up into his hair and he fixes josh with an accusing smirk. “stop staring at me,” he says, voice low.

josh drags his tongue behind his front teeth, unable to keep the smile off his face. “i can’t help it,” he mutters, and it’s truthful beyond belief because tyler is so unbelievably gorgeous that he would willingly spend the rest of his life looking at him. his eyes drift down to tyler’s parted lips, the shine of crooked white teeth poking out behind, the corners curled up in a wry smile. fuck, he wants to kiss him.

“you’re still staring, josh,” tyler murmurs gently, and josh’s stomach twists at the way his lips form his name. what would he look like _moaning_ his name? “keep your eyes on the road.”

sighing resignedly, josh turns back to the road. he needs to kiss him soon or he’s going to lose his goddamn mind from the amount of tension in the air between them. “i can’t help it,” he repeats, deciding _fuck it_. things can’t get any more awkward between them and he’s done playing games, done not knowing what tyler wants from him. “i want to kiss you.”

a heartbeat of silence.

tyler swallows, throat clicking. josh regrets everything he’s ever said in his entire life in an instant, begins wishing he’d never been fucking _born_ , that he would have just kept driving and never would’ve picked tyler up in the first place.

“then do it,” tyler says after a good five seconds of silence. he’s so quiet that josh thinks he might have misheard him, keeps replaying his words through his head, heart beating so fast he thinks it might stop. tyler clears his throat, turning fully to josh and looking at him. “do it.”

and fuck it, fine, he _will_. he jerks the truck off to the side of the road and hurriedly kills the engine, fumbling with his seatbelt with shaking fingers.

tyler’s grinning slyly as josh grabs at the collar of his shirt and tugs him closer, hands sliding around his neck. he tilts his chin back, pressing at his chest with the palms of his hands. “i was kidding,” he mumbles, voice slipping into a bubbly laugh. his breath is warm when it fans across josh’s face, smells like mint toothpaste as his lips spread in a wide grin. josh hates him. “i didn’t think you’d actually go for it.”

his heart falters. he stares, disbelievingly, fingers tightening around tyler’s neck out of a mixture of anger and disappointment. “yes, you did,” he whispers gruffly, narrowing his eyes. “you knew i would.”

another bubbly laugh, tyler’s hands sliding up his chest to settle on his shoulders. josh hates the way his skin crawls underneath his touch. “maybe,” he admits, eyes shining. “it’s fun to get you worked up.”

“you’re unbelievable,” josh mutters, tugging at the back of his neck. “shut up and let me kiss you. i know you want this as much as i do.”

“i do,” he agrees cheerily, softly bumping noses with josh when he moves closer. their lips barely brush together before josh is jerking back, a smirk affixed to his lips as he glares at tyler, eyes burning. “what the _fuck_?”

“it’s fun to get you worked up,” josh echoes his words, sliding back behind the wheel. “put your seatbelt on.”

there’s nothing more that he would like to do than pin tyler to the seat and kiss him until he forgets his own name, but he simply buckles himself back up and turns the key in the ignition. tyler sits in stunned silence, eyes smoldering with anger as his mouth opens and closes repeatedly, debating whether or not yelling out his frustration will get him anywhere. as josh steers the truck back onto the road and sets out at an easy pace, he decides that it probably won’t and huffs a dejected sigh, flopping down into his seat. he _hates_ him.

+

usually, josh despises the silent treatment. this time, it feels glorious, victorious; he beat tyler at his own game and nothing has ever felt better up to this point in his life.

granted, he hasn’t spoke in the last hour and josh really misses his voice, but he has to admire his dedication. he never was any good at giving the silent treatment himself, and he’s a little envious.

on the other hand, tyler is abnormally good at it. he and his siblings found at an early age that being quiet was the best way to stay on their parents’ good sides; that, and lying through their teeth. he’s really good at that, too. he kind of had to be, from ten to sixteen, to avoid his father’s anger. he remembers once, when he was twelve or thirteen, that he was able to keep his mouth shut for a day and a half. it was the quietest, most peaceful that his household had ever been, for as long as he had lived there.

a nagging voice at the back of his head likes to remind him every five minutes or so how petty he’s being. he’s fully aware that he’s acting childish by ignoring josh, considering he set himself up and ended up paying for it. but it’s kind of fun to watch josh squirm every time he says or asks something and gets nothing in return.

tyler spots the ‘welcome to indiana’ sign first; he reaches for his camera at the exact moment josh says, “ty, look,” and points toward the side of the road. he snaps a picture of the sign racing by and settles his camera back into his lap, saying nothing to josh, not even so much as looking at him.

the clock on the radio displays 3:55 p.m. when the effect of winning begins to wear off. josh is bored beyond belief and he really misses tyler’s aimless rambling and singing and the occasional story he would tell josh about his childhood; but, his ego has always gotten the best of him, and he continues to sit in his dejected stupor with one hand draped across the wheel, refusing to be the one to make the first move.

+

the fuel gauge is flickering right into the red zone when josh finds a gas station; it’s old and decrepit and in the middle of nowhere, and there’s absolutely no cars there except for one that looks broken down, but he’s not about to push his truck anywhere. especially when tyler is still pissed at him and probably won’t be helping him out to any extent unless he caves and apologizes.

which is not happening, either. he pulls into the creepy ass parking lot, a cold feeling of apprehension crawling up his skin. he just needs to get gas and get the fuck out of there, that’s all. it’s manageable and there’s nothing to be scared of. except, there’s everything to be scared of, because the two of them are just scrawny kids who get scared by things like moderately creepy gas stations.

he heaves in a deep breath, undoes his seatbelt, and turns off the ignition. he pops open his door and slides out, heading across the lot in a way he hopes comes across as tough, leaving tyler in the truck by himself.

tyler is _fuming_.

he narrows his eyes at the retreating frame of josh’s back entering the store, biting his tongue in his frustration. after everything that had happened last time, he’d left him _alone_ yet again, just because tyler was being pissy.

had he forgotten that he’d almost been raped in the parking lot of a gas station that was somehow less creepy than the one they were at right now? a hot spike of anger courses through his veins. the chances of it happening again, when there’s no one even around, are probably below zero, but it doesn’t stop his anxiety from irrationally flaring up. the whole situation is beginning to remind him of _the hills have eyes_. josh better not take any directions from the fucking attendant, or tyler is going to kill him.

if something else doesn’t get to him first, that is.

he shudders at the thought, curling in on himself nervously and keeping his eyes on the station’s door. he’s only alone for about a minute and a half before josh is opening the door and heading out into the warm air, but it’s a minute and a half too long.

he sits bitterly, chewing at his bottom lip, as josh fills up the tank. he opens the door to the truck and slides in behind the wheel, fastening his seatbelt.

the level of hostility in the enclosed space hits him full-force the second he’s settled down. his stomach curls in on itself out of guilt; he _knows_ he shouldn’t have left tyler alone after the last time, as something could have happened again or he could have put himself into a panic attack with no one there to help bring him down, among hundreds of other possibilities.

he swallows thickly, chancing a look over at tyler. his face is tight, arms crossed over his chest, feet pulled up into the seat. his anger is radiating off him in waves, and more guilt sinks deep in the pit of josh’s stomach.

“i’m sorry,” he finally says, returning his gaze back to the road. “i shouldn’t have left you alone.”

tyler’s brow furrows. he wants to rub it into josh’s face, but he doesn’t, figures ignoring him will be enough to drive the stake of guilt even further into him; he swallows down his hostile, bitter words and tucks himself closer up against the window, putting more space between them.

_oh, josh, you’ve fucked up now._

+

it’s nearing seven thirty when the stars and moon begin to appear in the sky; they come a little at a time, in clusters of white against a purpling sky, until there’s millions of white dots shining against an inky backdrop.

it’s stunningly beautiful, and has always managed to take tyler’s breath away. he rolls his window down all the way and all but sticks his head outside to look at them; the wind ruffles his hair, the cold breeze washing over his face as he gazes wide-eyed up at the sky. it’s refreshing and breath-taking all at once, and his heart thuds steadily, excitably in his ribcage.

he hasn’t spoken in god knows how long. josh lost track after three hours, and he’s amazed that he’s been able to hold out this long; he never would’ve been able to accomplish it. he’d tried, fruitlessly, to initiate a conversation numerous times, but tyler wasn’t budging and josh’s pride was too big to think about apologizing.

his eyes move over to tyler when he hears the window roll down, the whoosh of air filling the truck; he has his upper half nearly leaned all the way out, head tilted up toward the stars. there’s a certain sort of amazement in his eyes, the glimmer of the stars reflecting into his wide gaze, and josh is hit with a sudden wave of affection.

he really likes tyler. it’s not anything new, but it hits him at the oddest moments just how much he likes the boy; with his wild hair and crooked smile and bubbly laugh, his bright eyes and his awful past. he’s gorgeous and everything josh has been looking for in a person for what feels like a lifetime. there’s nothing josh doesn’t like about him. in his mind, it seems like he couldn’t possibly have any flaws.

but, he does. they both do, but they’ve come to appreciate them as just another part of each other; another piece to add to a whole, and they go together wonderfully.

overcome with affection, he grabs tyler’s camera off the seat next to him and takes a picture of the scene; tyler, hanging out the window to stare at the stars with wonderment in his eyes.

he knows just how to apologize. he has to wait for the right time, but the idea arises in his mind and he’s not about to pass it up. tyler deserves so much better than that.

time ticks by, agonizingly slowly. tyler looks at the stars for at least ten minutes before the wind chill becomes too cold to bear, and he pulls himself back inside, rolling up the window. he rubs at his flushed cheeks, trying to bring some sort of warmth back into them, settling back into the silence.

the next hour is hell, the worst stretch of road by far. it’s not even nine o’clock before josh decides he just can’t take it anymore, he misses tyler’s voice too much and he might go insane from the silence. there’s empty field on either side of them; he carefully steers the car onto the grass and kills the engine.

tyler is looking at him quizzically, but he says nothing to question his motives, and it’s not surprising. josh hops out of the truck and moves around to the back, popping open the hatch of the bed and pulling himself inside. there’s a long toolbox fastened at the front of the bed, underneath the window of the backseat; one time, it did have tools, but when he left home, he dumped them out and replaced it with as many blankets and pillows as he could fit.

it proved to be quite handy. money was tight, after all; on the nice nights, which are more often than not in the summer, he skipped the hotel room for spending a night under the stars. and that was exactly what tyler needed, at the moment, judging by the way he looked at the stars. what’s better than stargazing?

he sets up a makeshift bed, saving a blanket to cover up with and piling pillows up for the both of them, before settling down and looking up at the sky. he knows that tyler probably won’t come if he goes and gets him, opting to sleep in the truck instead because he’s still pissed. but, he’ll get curious enough to see if josh has been eaten by a bear or brutally murdered and will come on his own time.

just as expected, five minutes pass before the passenger’s side door opens and the soft thud of tyler’s feet hitting the grass sounds in the air. he peers curiously around the truck, poking his head over the rim before pausing, huffing a sigh. to think he’d thought josh had gotten abducted. no, he was just stargazing.

he clambers up into the back of the truck, toeing off his shoes and laying down on his back.

josh rolls over to face him, itching to reach out and run a hand up his chest, feel his heartbeat underneath his palm. he restrains himself, just barely, blinking softly at tyler. “i’m sorry,” he begins, having been planning an entire speech as his apology from the moment they’d left the gas station. “that i’m such a dick.”

he barely gets the sentence out fully before tyler’s laughing, bubbly and lilting, and the corner of josh’s lip tugs up. tyler rolls onto his side so they’re facing each other, touching his shoulder affectionately. “tell me more,” he says, and josh is so relieved to hear his voice that he wants to cry.

instead of crying, he sighs in relief, leaning further in toward tyler to blink earnestly at him. he says nothing, the entirety of the speech that he’d planned out so carefully forgotten in an instant when he looks into the depths of tyler’s eyes; he feels lost, almost, as if he’s swimming in the two dark pools.

“i accept your apology,” tyler whispers when he says nothing, almost unwilling to break the silence that had settled over them. he runs his hand up over josh’s shoulder and gently cups his face, rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone and moving closer until their noses are brushing.

josh half expects him to pull back at the last second and laugh because he’d gotten him once again, but no. tyler’s lips press softly against his, gentle and uncertain and hesitant; josh huffs out a laugh and winds an arm around his waist, deepening the kiss briefly with a flick of his tongue before pulling back to let him breathe.

tyler’s eyes look sort of glassy, like he’s about to start crying, and josh worries momentarily before he shakily mumbles, “that was my first kiss.”

“oh,” josh breathes, eyes widening in awe, squeezing his waist reassuringly. _he_ was tyler’s first kiss. “was it okay?”

and tyler laughs, curling in closer toward josh, smiling stupidly. his first kiss. “perfect,” he mumbles, and he’s so beautiful under the moonlight that josh wants to kiss him again.

so, he does. he presses their lips together slowly, feeling tyler uncertainly respond before falling into a rhythm; slow and soft, but steady and forgiving. josh has never been so happy to kiss someone in his entire life. he carefully pecks the tip of his nose, his cheek, the corner of his mouth, reveling in the feeling of tyler smiling, giggling delightedly.

“you mean so much to me,” tyler whispers, leaning into the touch of josh’s lips on his forehead. his voice is shaky with emotion and he looks about on the verge of tears, huffing out an embarrassed laugh when josh kisses him again.

“you mean a lot to me, too,” he murmurs, pulling tyler closer up against his chest and breathing him in. he relaxes in josh’s arms, one hand stroking up his back gently as he presses kiss after kiss to the skin of his throat.

they fall asleep together underneath the stars.


	9. on a highway through the stars (be together)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “illinois, here we come.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good day for writing  
> tw for homophobic language
> 
> (title - be together by major lazor)

it’s bright, and it’s warm.

too warm, almost, and definitely too bright, like the sun itself is shining directly onto his eyelids. he blinks twice, and finds it to be exactly that; he’s staring at the sun, laid out on his back with someone wrapped around him.

someone. as if he doesn’t know who it is. how could he forget? he’s fallen asleep with him for four days straight, woken up with him curled against his side for the same amount. a lazy smile curls across his lips as he rolls onto his side and presses his face against the broad expanse of josh’s chest, seeking solace from the sunshine.

and it’s solace he finds. he falls in and out of sleep for an unidentifiable amount of time until josh begins shuffling around, slowly waking up; a languid yawn breaks their early morning silence, his arms tightening around tyler’s waist to bring him closer as soft lips press against his forehead.

two bright eyes blink at him when josh tilts his chin down to look at the boy wrapped in his arms, and he pulls back slightly in mild surprise, crookedly grinning. “good morning,” he murmurs, voice hoarse with sleep, and tyler’s heart gives a soft tug at the sound. he’s so gone for him. “didn’t know you were awake.”

he makes a soft noise in response, curling closer to josh’s chest and closing his eyes, still trying to hide away from the sun and unwilling to leave the moment so soon. their shins slide together and josh laughs breathlessly, running an open palm against his back and resting his lips against his forehead.

tyler giggles, a little breathless; his heart feels like it’s swelled two times past its original size as he burrows his face closer up to josh’s chest and breathes him in.

“c’mere,” josh mumbles, and tyler tilts his head up a little reluctantly, blinking earnestly at him. he smiles at tyler softly, eyes flicking over his features adoringly as he dips his head closer and bumps their noses together.

 _eskimo kisses_ , tyler’s mind supplies as josh inches closer. soft lips press against his and he’s surprised; he almost forgets to kiss him back for half a second, because that’s what they _do_ now. he grins as he presses back, and josh laughs, taking the interruption to flick his tongue out and drag it against tyler’s bottom lip.

he gasps, slightly, but he doesn’t pull back; it’s strange, the feeling of josh’s tongue pressing against his lips, but he parts his mouth compliantly and lets out a surprised noise as josh licks behind his front teeth.

josh is laughing when they part, pecking him once and matching their gazes. “you’re adorable,” he sighs, smiling gently. “i’ve been wanting to do that for so long.”

“what, violate me?” tyler scoffs with a roll of his eyes, only half-joking. “i’m a _virgin_ , joshua dun. i’m innocent.”

“not for long,” josh grins slyly, laughing at tyler’s indignant squeak; he only pulls him closer at the waist when he tries to wriggle out of his grasp.

“i’m saving myself for _marriage_ ,” tyler grumbles, tucking his head up underneath his chin. josh’s hands roll over his ribcage and run up his arm, pressing at his shoulder until he’s sprawled on his back, blinking blearily at the sun shining into his eyes once more. “josh –“

his words are cut off as josh rolls on top of him, straddling his lap. he hangs his head down, blocking out the sun, and tyler has no choice to stare up at him; he swallows, and his throat clicks. josh dips his head, nosing at tyler’s chin until he lifts it up, sighing as lips press against his throat. it’s a good, efficient distraction.

“tell me,” josh murmurs, voice a lilting purr, words dripping past his lips like honey as he trails his tongue over his adam’s apple and pauses to suck a bruise into his pale skin. tyler melts into the blankets at his back, lips parting to let out another breathy sigh. “you don’t wanna have sex with me.”

tyler lets out an embarrassing groan, cheeks beginning to flush red; josh’s eyes flicker up to watch the color spread up from his throat to his face, and he grins slyly, pulling back enough to kiss the corner of his mouth.

“josh,” tyler squeaks out, attempting to hide his face behind his palms; but josh sits up and raises his hands, wrapping them around tyler’s tiny wrists and gently tugging them away from his eyes. he swallows shyly, averting his gaze from josh’s wide eyes; it’s easier to admit it when he’s telling a cloud in the sky, rather than josh himself. “i – i _do_ , okay, but not right now.”

josh laughs gleefully, collapsing gracelessly onto his chest and peppering kisses over his cheeks fondly. “of course not,” he chides, stopping to peck the tip of his nose. “i just wanted you to admit it.”

“are you happy, asshole?” tyler huffs childishly, wrinkling his nose and shying away from his touch. “get offa me.”

“very,” he replies, kissing his cheek once more before sliding off of his lap and pretending he doesn’t feel tyler’s boner drag across the inside of his thigh when he shifts. “help me fold up these blankets.”

tyler rubs at his cheeks, trying to convince his blush to go away as he sits himself up and looks down dejectedly at his lap. just another thing to add to his steadily growing stranger life.

still, it doesn’t stop him from winding his arms around josh’s shoulders to kiss him once more when they finish folding blankets and packing away pillows.

it’s his new favorite thing to do. (even when they have to stop at a gas station to fill up in the middle of nowhere and tyler spends ten minutes in the bathroom and comes out looking even more disheveled than before. he doesn’t ask.)

+

“illinois, here we come,” josh cheers as he starts up the truck’s engine, and tyler laughs, already fumbling with the radio station so they can sing along together.

he stops by mcdonald’s for breakfast, because it’s the only thing he can find within the next sixty miles and tyler won’t stop saying how hungry he is and how he’ll eat josh if he doesn’t get him food soon; even when he _has_ his food, he complains that it’s too greasy but he eats all of his fries (and josh’s, too).

josh has never wanted so badly to leave him on the side of the road to teach him some form of a lesson, but when tyler leans over to press a kiss to his cheek and whispers ‘thank you’, he guesses he’ll forgive him.

he twines their fingers together over the middle console, singing along to the radio; josh looks at him, and the sun’s hitting him at all of the right angles, his skin glowing gold as he tilts his head back, eyes closed as he sings his little heart out. he has such a beautiful voice, and josh’s heart beats faster at the sound.

he’d never sang this loud before, not in front of josh; he’d sing in the shower, and in the truck, but it was quiet and insecure and halting. he’s steadily growing more confident in front of him, and it’s one of the most amazing things he’s ever had the privilege to witness. he likes him so, _so_ much.

so much that he has to pull the pick-up to the side of the road and pull him close by the shoulders and kiss him three times over, interrupting his singing; they separate, barely half an inch of space between their lips, and tyler’s breathing is heavy and confused when he whispers, “what was that for?”

josh shakes his head slightly, eyes traveling back down to tyler’s lips and staying as he pauses, collecting his thoughts for an explanation. “i really like you?” he decides, and it’s more of a question than anything, tongue flicking out to wet his lips nervously.

tyler laughs airily and smiles, pulling josh closer by the back of his neck, fingertips pressing into his skin. he whispers, “i really like you, too,” before pressing their lips together again; it’s soft and slow, lacking any heat but carrying everything they’ve been meaning to say for the past few days across.

they both have a feeling that the truck’s going to be idling on the side of the road far more often now.

tyler counts, and by the time they see the ‘welcome to illinois’ sign hours later, josh has pulled the truck over three times (and counting). if he’s honest, he wouldn’t have it any other way. it’s a new experience and it’s everything he could’ve asked for; his first kiss couldn’t have been any more perfect, any more unforgettable – it’s everything he’d been aching and pining for, for years on end, everything and so much more.

now he has josh to himself and all the kisses he could dream of. he doesn’t have to wish for much anymore. he slides closer to josh’s side until his hip is pressed up against the middle console; he leans over to slide josh’s sunglasses off his face, beaming when he gives him a disgruntled look.

“ty, those are mine,” he groans, but his tone lacks any venom and he makes no move to take them back. tyler hooks them over his ears, slides them onto his own face and grins at josh, slyly pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“they look better on me,” he murmurs, darting his tongue out to drag up the side of josh’s face just to annoy him; the noise he makes borders on indignant squealing as he shoves tyler away from him (gently, he doesn’t wanna hurt him), groaning about how _gross_ he is.

but, even through his annoyance, josh can’t disagree; they do look better on him, so he gets his extra pair from out of the glove box with tyler’s assistance, and all is well.

+

tyler’s been quiet for a while, and josh thinks that maybe, he’s fallen asleep; he can’t see his eyes underneath his sunglasses, but his head is tilted against the window and his breathing is even, steady, slow.

their hands are still wrapped around each other, resting on the top of tyler’s thigh; every now and then, josh will squeeze his hand, but he never gets a response. and that’s fine. he’s perfectly happy just holding his hand.

that is, until his head lifts suddenly and he looks at josh, pushing up his sunglasses. there’s a far-off look in his eyes, and josh can tell he’s been thinking, not sleeping, and he doesn’t like the look of it.

“josh,” tyler says, and his voice is low and serious. it’s nothing like josh has ever heard it before, and his anxiety kicks into overdrive immediately; tyler doesn’t actually like him, tyler wants to stop pretending, tyler’s proud of himself for stringing him on so far along – “are we dating?”

it’s flat out, short and sweet, straight to the point. josh squints at him uncertainly for a second, pondering; of all the horrible circumstances his mind had supplied, _this_ was it? the ‘what are we’ talk?

he snorts, briefly, bubbling up into a short laugh that leaves tyler frowning. what’s so funny? he doesn’t get it.

“sorry, sorry,” josh hurriedly mumbles, dragging his free hand over his face. he can’t push away his smile, however, so it stays in place, stupid and awe-struck. he forces himself to be serious, to swallow down his laughter and give tyler the answer he deserves. “do you want to be?”

tyler hums, brief and soft. he’s looking over their intertwined hands with a thoughtful look in his eye, and josh squeezes his hand reassuringly; his gaze travels back up to josh’s face and he tips him a crooked, pretty grin that makes his heart tug fondly. “yeah,” he decides, finally, eyes gleaming with satisfaction. then, a little slower, but still just as sure, “you’re my first boyfriend.”

josh grins so big, so bright that his cheeks hurt a little bit; tyler loves his smile, loves the dimples at the edges and his perfect rows of straight, white teeth. so different to his own but so, so beautiful. josh has had a few boyfriends before, but they were short and flaky and none of them meant nearly as much as tyler means to him, right then and there; he briefly thinks about confessing this, rolling his words over on his tongue before he decides, “you’re the only one that’s actually ever mattered to me.”

tyler lets out an audible, breathless ‘aww’, lifting their hands to his lips and pressing soft kisses to the back of josh’s hand affectionately. his eyes are wide and earnest, and josh laughs, squeezing his hand again as tyler nuzzles gently against his skin before returning their hands to where they were resting on his thigh.

he couldn’t have picked a better person to travel the country with.

“i’m glad i met you,” josh confesses, because he’s thinking the same thing.

“i’m glad you picked me up off the side of the road,” tyler sighs, and his tone is wistful, but there’s a crooked smile on his lips and a playful twinkle in his eyes.

+

“let’s go sight-seeing,” tyler declares out of the blue; they’ve just hit chicago and josh was fairly convinced tyler was asleep once more, adopting his new favorite position of leaning on the window and his new favorite hobby of sometimes scaring the shit out of josh after shouting out randomly after long periods of silence that lead him to believe he's asleep.

“sight-seeing,” josh echoes after his initial heart attack fades. “where do you want to go?”

“ice-skating.” his voice is very matter-of-fact and serious when he repeats, and he seems to have conveniently forgotten the part where it’s the middle of fucking summer and at least seventy-five degrees outside. he turns his head to josh when he says nothing, quirking an eyebrow. “what? i’ve never been before.”

“it’s summer,” josh takes it upon himself to state the obvious, narrowing his eyes in confusion. “where are we going to find a rink?”

“i’m sure there’s an indoor rink somewhere,” tyler states airily, batting his eyelashes with a smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts, pushing his lips out in a pout. josh kindly refrains from smashing their lips together during the heat of the moment; he can’t help it, his lips are so plump and so pink, so kissable. “please? i’ve never been and i wanna try it at least _once_. pretty please? with a cherry on top?”

his voice reminds josh of when his younger siblings would beg their mother for something they wanted, and he sighs. he knows he’s not able to refuse tyler anything, not with those eyes and those lips, and tyler knows it very well, at this point. tyler cheers at his sigh of resignation, bouncing slightly in his seat out of excitement.

“alright,” josh murmurs, tapping his thumb on tyler’s hand. “gps is in the glove box, love, find out where we’re going.”

the pet name slides off his tongue with ease, and he wouldn’t have noticed it if it wasn’t for tyler’s sharp intake of breath. “shit,” he backtracks hurriedly, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “sorry, i shouldn’t have –“

“it’s fine,” tyler interjects, and his eyes are shining as he reaches for the glove box and begins to fish out the gps. “i like it. it’s okay.”

and just like that, it’s okay, just like tyler says. he releases josh’s hand to fiddle with the gps, curiously squinting at the screen. he knows his father had one, but he wasn’t exactly allowed to touch it and he’s at an utter loss of what he’s supposed to be doing.

josh huffs a laugh at the look of confusion plastered across his face. “never used a gps, huh?” he asks, smiling when tyler shakes his head, dumb-founded. he’s not exactly seasoned with technology, considering he was never allowed to have any of his own. “okay, it’s easy. i’ll talk you through it.”

five minutes, a lot of directions, aimless driving and a little bit of frustration (on josh’s part) later, tyler cheers softly, shooting josh a pretty smile. “did it,” he says, and josh knows the frustration was worth it for the smile on his face. “uh, it says there’s one –“ he pauses, tapping at the screen before resuming, “about a half an hour away.”

“perfect,” josh says, because it is. this would be a day he’d never be able to forget; their first actual date as a couple, in the middle of chicago, ice-skating in summer. it fits them so perfectly it’s almost enough to make him laugh. instead, his heart warms up and he smiles. he smiles so much more when he’s around tyler. “let’s get you ice-skating, then.”

granted, josh has only actually been in a rink a grand total of one time.

and it was an outdoor rink, in the middle of winter, when it was snowing. this is wildly out of his comfort zone, but he’d do anything to make tyler happy, and this was just the thing. it was their first _actual_ date, after all. he wouldn’t have it any other way.

he pulls into the parking lot, and tyler immediately fumbles for his seatbelt out of excitement; it undoes with a click and he’s bounding out the door, clamoring for josh to _hurry up_.

he’s excited, so josh excuses him and moves a little faster; they walk side by side up to the building, shoulders brushing every now and then. josh almost goes to hold his hand, before realizing he doesn’t know how tyler feels about that just yet. he pulls away at the last second, going to hold the door open instead for tyler to slip inside.

“what a gentleman,” tyler chirps with a roll of his eyes, but he secretly loves it.

josh may or may not swat at his ass when he walks inside, and tyler may or may not make the most high-pitched sound he’s ever heard in his entire life. no one has to know, except for the janitor who saw the entire exchange and laughed softly over where he was sweeping at the ground with his broom. young love is a wonderful thing.

he pays for entrance and skates for them both; tyler conveniently forgets what size shoe he wears and goes with a ten. they sit down to lace up on the bleachers, and by some act of miraculous grace, ten fits him just right.

“thank god,” he breathes, echoing josh’s thoughts. he snorts, lacing up his own skates and pulling himself shakily, hesitantly to his feet.

tyler has the audacity to laugh at him. it’s josh’s turn to laugh when he stands up too fast and nearly knocks himself off balance; he’d be sprawled across the ground if it wasn’t for josh’s hand on his elbow, steadying him. “thanks,” he murmurs, a blush beginning to ride high on his cheeks, and he tries to blame it on the cold of the rink rather than embarrassment.

“sure thing,” josh grins, sliding his hand down his arm and tugging gently at his wrist. “try not to fall on your ass.”

“no promises.” he totters unsteadily onto the ice, following after josh and squeaking out in surprise when he begins to slide immediately; josh latches a hand onto his arm and drags him closer to him, huffing out a laugh and rolling his eyes.

“here – just stay close, okay?” he murmurs, voice laced with concern as he steadies tyler out on his feet, gripping at his hips. it’s not a hard instruction to follow; tyler laughs breathily, shyly pressing his lips against his forehead before tugging away, beaming.

“come on,” he urges, hand finding josh’s; their fingers slide together, and josh’s eyes immediately glance around the rink. no one’s there, aside from two other girls laughing and spinning each other around, and he figures that it’s okay, it won’t freak tyler out if they see them.

he keeps a tight grip on tyler’s hand, tugging him out further and holding him balanced; he leads him around the ice in a smooth, slow line before tyler gains more confidence. he shakes josh’s hand off and slides out in front of him uneasily; josh laughs. “be careful, ty.”

just as he says it, tyler falls over and eats it, and josh gasps so loud in fear that he falls over, too.

tyler’s groaning in pain and josh registers a distant ache in the back of his skull; he raises his head and it becomes more prominent. their eyes meet, where they’re laying on the ice together, cold seeping in through their thin clothes.

and tyler laughs, throwing his head back. it’s bubbly and light and beautiful, and josh laughs too, despite the pain in his head and the promise of an upcoming headache. josh pushes himself up to his feet and helps tyler up to the best of his ability; they both almost fall over again, laughing and sliding into each other as they steady each other, gripping at hands and shoulders and hips, anything within reach.

tyler’s face is bitten pink with the cold and there’s a bruise forming on the side of his neck from where he hit the ground; he’s so precious, with his wide eyes and timid grin as josh looks him over, smiling fondly at him.

“thank you,” tyler mumbles, wrapping his arms around josh’s neck and pressing their foreheads together. josh gathers the courage to kiss him softly before pulling away, grabbing both of his hands and tugging him back out to slide gently against the ice together.

they skate for an hour, steadily gaining courage; josh eventually manages to spin tyler around once without either of them falling over, and they rarely ever stop holding hands. they exchange shy kisses when the girls around them aren’t looking, even though they’re both pretty sure that they know that they’re dating, at this point.

eventually, the girls leave, and they’re alone. tyler falls over again from laughing too hard at a joke josh said, and josh falls over trying to help him back up; they lay on the ice until more people approach. it’s a family, obviously, with a mother and a father and a little boy who can’t be more than two; the atmosphere changes immediately.

they scramble to pick themselves up off the ice, brushing off their clothes; they skate for a moment after, no longer holding hands and staying a reasonable distance away from each other. in los angeles, it’ll be different, but for now, they have to be careful.

josh suggests they leave when tyler becomes tense and more uneasy; the father of the family keeps sending him weird looks. “i don’t like it,” he confesses under his breath as he skates a slow circle around josh, eyes narrowed and full of worry.

“let’s go,” josh says back. “i’ll buy you ice cream, or something.”

“you don’t have to,” tyler interjects hurriedly, eyes blowing wide.

“but i want to,” josh continues, smiling when he blushes softly. “come on. fuck him. he doesn’t matter.”

“no,” he agrees, already following josh toward the exit; he’s still stumbling slightly, but he’s gotten steady on his feet and it makes josh’s heart swell with pride. he nearly falls over again, but josh grabs his hips and balances him out once again, instinctively saying, “i’ve got you, babe.”

tyler smiles, laughing a bit, when someone clears their throat off in the distance. josh looks over tyler’s shoulder, narrowing his eyes at the man that had been sending tyler weird looks; he’s glaring at them, and his wife is plainly shooting him a pleading glance that’s just begging him not to say anything.

but he does. they always do. “fucking homos,” he has the audacity to say, as if neither of them can hear him.

and it sets josh off, but what gets him going the most is the way tyler visibly flinches, as if it’s not the first time he’s been called that. “excuse me,” he says immediately, wanting to protect him more than anything, releasing his grip on tyler’s hips to gently push him out of the way. he urgently moves to tug on josh’s wrist desperately, eyebrows drawing together out of anxiety.

“josh, don’t start with him,” he groans, sounding absolutely exasperated; the man looks surprised that josh actually had the balls to stand up to him, and he’s squaring his shoulders in preparation. he’d like to knock the smug look off his face, but tyler’s hand tightening around his wrist is more important. “please. he’s not worth it, okay? i am. let’s go.”

he’s not worth it. his wife looks absolutely abhorred, and he decides to let it slide off his shoulders for the meantime. they can talk about it later. tyler is nearly shaking as he plops down onto the bench, unlacing his skates; his fingers are quivering so much that josh has to lean over before undoing his own, unlacing them for him despite his own internal fuming.

“thank you,” he mumbles, voice quiet and too soft for josh to be comfortable. he presses a kiss to his knee and hurriedly undoes his own, tugging on his shoes and grabbing for tyler’s hand, pulling him off toward the exit.

josh wants desperately to say something as he checks them out, but he bites his tongue, for tyler’s sake. they rush toward the truck as fast as possible, and as soon as tyler buckles his seat belt, his lip begins quivering harshly and tears prick at the corner of his eyes.

“ty, don’t cry,” josh murmurs, waiting to start up the truck. he leans over the console to cup his jaw in his hands, thumbs pressing away his tears. “he’s not worth it. he’s an asshole and what he said was completely out of line. but he’s just one person, okay? he doesn’t matter.”

“i know,” tyler mumbles, shaky, leaning into the touch of josh’s hands. he blinks away his tears, ignoring the stray ones that roll down his cheeks, allowing josh to wipe them away. “it just – just hurts, s’all.”

“oh, baby, i know.” he presses a kiss to his forehead gently, running his thumb over his shaking bottom lip. “please don’t let it get to you.”

tyler promises that it won’t, but in the end, it always does.


	10. say we up and left this town (turned our future upside down)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "josh was really, really hoping against all odds that what that asshole had the audacity to say to them both wouldn’t settle too heavily within tyler."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the worst filler chapter i've ever written  
> it's gay, like me
> 
> (title - house of gold by top)

josh was really, _really_ hoping against all odds that what that asshole had the audacity to say to them both wouldn’t settle too heavily within tyler.

but it was a losing battle, in the end of things. he hasn’t talked in twenty minutes and he won’t let josh touch him; he’d tried, don’t get him wrong, tried to lay a hand on his knee to comfort him but he’d shrugged him off and said he didn’t feel like being touched.

and josh respects that. he’s collected on the outside, but a fuming mess internally because someone had decided to go and fuck up _his_ boy’s good day, and he wanted nothing more than to get back at him. he wanted to make him hurt as much as tyler was obviously aching on the inside, wanted to make it physical like he’d always done in high school, but he just couldn’t.

tyler wasn’t like that. he didn’t want the physical confrontation. he didn’t want confrontation at all; he went way out of his way to avoid it. he was soft, and he was fragile, and he was innocent. tyler was _his_ , for christ’s sake, what kind of boyfriend was he if he couldn’t even protect the boy he was dating? he’d let him get hurt. nothing about the situation had done anyone any good.

he hopes that fucker rots.

“josh,” tyler’s soft voice chimes, and josh looks up in mild surprise; his hands are clenching so tight at the steering wheel in anger that his knuckles are white as bone. he loosens up his touch, turns his head over to tyler.

he’s so relieved that he’s talking that he forgets he’s angry for a second and a half. he can’t stand it when he’s so quiet. “yeah?”

“don’t be so mad,” tyler replies. his eyes are sad, softened and round; they remind josh faintly of a kicked puppy and he hurts inside for him. “i’m okay. just let it go, alright? let’s let go of it.”

he wants to argue. he wants to insist that it’s not okay, that someone had hurt him and he had to hurt them back to get even, like he always had. but he doesn’t say anything. he bites his tongue and he breathes out a heavy sigh of resignation. this is about what tyler needs. this isn’t about him.

this is about tyler. “okay,” he unlatches his teeth from his tongue, ignores the tiny trickle of blood he can taste. was he really biting that hard? “okay, i can do that.”

“yes, you can,” tyler encourages, and when josh looks at him this time, there’s a tiny smile affixed to his lips, eyes crinkled up at the corners ever so slightly. beautiful, beautiful boy, and he’s all his. he’s a lucky bastard, that’s for sure; he’ll have to take better care of him, make sure nothing like this happens again. he cranes his head against the back of the seat, blinking languidly at josh through long-lashed, hooded eyes, and josh swallows, can hear his throat click. he’s fairly convinced that tyler is a siren, put on earth for the sole purpose of condemning him to hell.

well, if hell means he gets to be with tyler joseph for the rest of eternity, then he’d gladly go on down skipping.

tyler’s tongue flits out to skim over his lips, and josh wants to kiss him so bad his entire mouth goes dry. a slow grin spreads across his features as he rolls his eyes in mock annoyance and huffs, “stop staring at me. we’re gonna wreck, and you promised me ice cream.”

“what, now you want ice cream?” josh fakes an exasperated sigh of annoyance, turning his eyes back to the road. “you only want me for my money, baby.”

“what can i say? i’m a gold digger,” tyler’s tone is nonchalant as he offers up a half-hearted shrug, tilting his chin up to gaze at josh down the bridge of his nose. then, slowly, softly, almost as if he’s unsure if he really means to say it, “i like it when you call me baby.”

josh’s pants are tighter than he remembers them being five minutes ago. he’s going to hell.

+

in hindsight, josh definitely shouldn’t have taken tyler to get ice cream.

it was a bad, bad idea. and it’s a great idea at the same exact time because he’s got more than enough imagery saved up for the spank bank to last him for the next couple hundred years. definitely going to hell.

they’re in a quaint, remote little café just on the outskirts of chicago that josh can’t remember the name of to save his own pathetic life; how can he, when tyler keeps making tiny little moans in the back of his throat as he drags his tongue around the outside of his vanilla cone?

he wouldn’t even be able to tell anyone where they were on earth in the current space of time if he had a gun pressed up to his head, not with how tyler looks right now.

his lips are sticky white with ice cream and he’s making happy little humming noises every time he licks up the side and drags more into his mouth; josh has barely touched his own, he’s so distracted, especially when tyler’s foot keeps nudging up against his ankle. is he doing that on purpose? he doesn’t know, doesn’t care, but he really wishes he would stop thinking about what tyler’s lips would look like stretched around his –

“josh,” tyler interrupts his train of thought, and he quirks up an eyebrow in questioning. how many times had he been calling his name? he’s grinning, and josh can see drops of white on his tongue. fuck. “what’re you thinking about? you’re all spacey.”

oh, he doesn’t want to even begin to know what josh is thinking about. he crosses his legs under the table as discreetly as possible, swallowing when tyler taps the front of his shoe against his shin. “just – i didn’t know you liked ice cream that much,” he supplies lamely, cringing internally. what the fuck was he even saying?

“wasn’t allowed to have any growing up,” tyler sighs wistfully, cupping his chin in his palm and leaning heavily on the table. josh makes a mental note to buy him as much ice cream as he can possibly eat. he licks at his lips and hums thoughtfully, sucking at his cone again; a little bit drips down past his bottom lip and trickles down his chin, and josh watches the drop roll down his skin with wide-blown eyes.

he wasn’t aware his pants could get any tighter. “uh,” he says. _you’re so eloquent, josh_. “you’ve got a little –“ he stops, gestures vaguely with his hand. “something there. yeah.”

as an afterthought, he taps his chin, eyes still locked on tyler’s lips. they curl up in a wry smile as he moves his hand up to his chin and drags his index over his skin, collecting the ice cream. and then he pops the finger into his mouth, sucking obscenely.

as if it can get any worse, tyler sighs, placing his hand back on the table and running his foot up the inside of josh’s calf. “thank you,” he smiles sweetly, and josh nods a little too eagerly. what can he say? he’s a little distracted, at the moment, especially when tyler goes back to licking at his cone.

this is the last time he takes him out to get ice cream. at least in public. he can have as much ice cream as he wants in private, when josh can actually _do_ something about his ridiculously awkward and inconvenient boner.

and tyler isn’t helping in the slightest. he keeps rubbing his foot up and down against josh’s calves and shins, and it’s absolutely maddening; he wonders if tyler _knows_ what he’s doing to him.

“i have to pee,” josh announces suddenly, much too loudly, and tyler pauses in surprise, tongue hanging out of his mouth.

“um, okay?” he tries, huffing indignantly when josh thrusts his own ice cream at him. he takes it daintily, looking at it curiously as josh hurriedly leaves the table.

he’s gone for about five minutes, and tyler eats the rest of his cone and all of josh’s, too.

+

“i can’t believe you ate all of my ice cream,” josh is grumbling as he opens up the passenger’s side door, stepping aside so tyler can slide into the seat.

“you took too long in the bathroom,” tyler complains, touched by josh stopping to open his door for him; it’s such a cute gesture that he can’t himself from leaning up on his tiptoes to peck his cheek. “sorry,” he pouts, even though he’s not, grinning cheerfully at josh as he attempts to continue sulking. but he’s beginning to blush furiously, and he can’t stop from cracking a smile as tyler pokes his side and murmurs, “stop making that face.”

“i don’t want to,” josh huffs petulantly, but he breaks into a wider smile anyways.

“see, there’s my handsome boy,” tyler croons, beaming; he pecks his cheek once more and finally props himself up into the pick-up’s seat. josh leans heavily against the door to close it, debating whether or not bashing his skull open against the window is a good idea or not. he’s fucking _whipped_.

he slides comfortably behind the wheel, sticking the key into the ignition and pulling the gear-shift into drive as he asks, “where to now, baby?”

“wherever,” tyler answers airily. “as long as i’m with you, i’m happy.”

“that’s pretty gay,” josh replies, biting the inside of his cheek to keep his indifferent façade in place. but when tyler laughs, reaching over to swat his thigh, it’s game over; he slips into an easy smile, moving to grab his hand and link their fingers together over the middle console. “but i feel the same way.”

tyler reaches over with his free hand and fumbles with the dial on the radio, flipping through stations until he finds one that plays halfway decent music; he has to admit, the old pick-up pulls some seriously shitty channels. he’d have to get josh some actually good cds, at some point. maybe as a christmas gift, or something.

provided they’re still together around christmas, that is. he’s thinking way too far into the future for it to be healthy. what if josh got sick of him? got sick of his anxiety and random panic attacks and meltdowns and inability to cope with the simplest of tasks –

“things will be different in l.a.,” josh mumbles, blinking almost in a surprised stupor as if he hadn’t meant to say it out loud when tyler turns to look at him questioningly; he flushes the tiniest amount, clearing his throat. “oh. sorry. i was just thinking about the whole ice skating thing again. and how things are different in los angeles, you know? we won’t have to deal with that sort of stuff. we can be happy. we just gotta tough it out for right now.”

tyler’s chest fills with warmth; he tries, unsuccessfully, to keep the dopey smile off of his face. looks like josh was thinking about the future, too; _their_ future. as a couple. it still strikes him at the oddest of moments that he’s dating josh, that he’s in a relationship, that he’s happy, that he actually has a future with someone –

“tyler?” josh questions, head cocked to the side questioningly, and this time it’s tyler turn to blush as he realizes he’d never responded. “you zoned out there for a second, princess. you okay?”

tyler swallows past the sudden lump that rose up in his throat when josh called him _princess_ ; it’s a new sensation, makes him feel all warm and happy and soft inside. it’s wonderful and he hopes he never gets used to hearing it come from his lips. “sorry,” he murmurs, blinking almost shyly up at josh. is now a good time to talk about his feelings? he’s never exactly sure if he’s allowed to, not with how people had reacted to him in the past. “it’s just – nothing.”

“wait,” josh prompts, the tone of his voice slow and patient. tyler wonders if it’s even possible for him to begin to like him even more than he already does. he’s just so incredible that it makes his heart hurt. it’s a good kind of hurt, though, the nice sort of ache in his chest cavity. josh really, truly does care about him and his feelings. he’s okay to talk about what’s on his mind. “it’s just what?”

he makes a vague gesture with his free hand, at a loss of how to place words to his disjointed thoughts; josh sits quietly, one hand on the wheel, squeezing tyler’s hand reassuringly every now and then. “you can tell me,” he murmurs, after a good thirty seconds of silence, glancing at tyler from the corner of his peripheral vision. “i won’t be mad, or anything. it’s okay to talk about your feelings, ty. what’s on your mind?”

he hauls in a deep breath, pressing his thumb in a small circle over josh’s skin for the extra boost of confidence. “i’m just happy,” he admits, a tiny smile tugging at the corner of his lip. “i’m happy. i was never allowed to be happy at home but now i have you, and you care about me, and i’m _happy_ , for once in my life.”

josh’s chest gives a physical ache at tyler’s words; his eyes scan the road hurriedly, flicking back and forth before he finds a safe spot to park. an empty parking lot, in front of a building with a ‘for lease’ sign hanging up in the window. it’s not exactly the most ideal place ever, but it works for what he wants to do.

“josh,” tyler says, a twinge of worry sneaking up into his otherwise perfectly calm voice as he turns the truck _away_ from their destination; josh almost feels bad for startling him, but things will be fine in a second.

“hang on,” he replies, pulling into the parking lot and stalling the truck’s engine; he undoes his seatbelt and turns fully to tyler, leaning in and cupping his jaw in his hands to get his point across as best as he possibly can. “tyler, i promise you, you’ve got nothing to worry about. you’re safe now, okay? you don’t have to worry about a thing. i’ll take care of you. things are gonna be okay.”

a new heavy weight of emotions settles heavily in tyler’s chest; he sniffles on instinct, feeling tears well up in his eyes. josh cares, josh likes him, josh wants him around, josh makes him feel safe and wanted and treasured. it’s the first time in his entire life that he’s ever felt such a way; josh promised he would take care of him. he never wants to get used to hearing that, either.

he doesn’t even realize that he’s full-on crying until josh’s thumbs brush underneath his eyes, wiping away his tears quietly and patiently. “it’s okay, ty,” he murmurs softly, gently, forehead creasing in worry. “why are you crying?”

tyler huffs dejectedly, leaning into the press of josh’s hand on his cheek and blinking away his tears. “sorry.”

“don’t be sorry. nothing to be sorry for, okay? things are fine.”

he nods stiffly, attempting his best at a watery smile. “okay,” he confirms, blinking up softly at josh through wet-lashed eyes. “now kiss me, you big dork.”

josh snorts, craning his neck further while whispering, “gladly.”

they kiss, chaste and sweet, and it feels like maybe some part of the world has aligned just right for them.

+

tyler’s singing along to the radio when he suddenly shouts out in either excitement or terror; josh isn’t even sure what he said, but it sounds suspiciously like _stop_ and he’s beginning to remember the incident with the raccoon.

he slams on the breaks, ignoring the fact that they’re on the middle of the highway, fingers clenching at the wheel so tight he’s afraid they might break in half. he whips his head around, looking around for any sign of danger.

he finds nothing.

“ty, _what_?” he finally exclaims, heart pounding in his ears.

tyler’s bouncing up and down in the seat excitedly, pointing out the window. “josh, _look_ , horses!”

he follows tyler’s finger, and sure enough, there’s a small farm on the side of the road; there’s two horses in the field, grazing, and tyler’s babbling something about feeding them.

“you can’t just feed people’s horses,” josh sighs, but tyler’s already scrabbling for the door handle and bounding out of the truck, halfway across the road before josh can even begin to react. he swears under his breath softly, pressing his foot down onto the gas pedal and steering the truck toward the side of the road. tyler can be a real handful sometimes.

he parks, undoes his seatbelt and opens his door, sliding out of the truck; his eyes are immediately greeted with the sight of tyler beginning to scale a nearby tree with practiced ease, reaching up into the lower branches.

“please get down from there,” josh calls, to no avail; he realizes belatedly that the tree in question is an apple tree, and tyler’s sitting himself on one of the lower branches, already twisting fruit off of the limbs and tossing them to the ground. “ty, i don’t want you to get hurt –“

“i’m not gonna get hurt,” tyler calls back down, interrupting the rest of his sentence as he plucks off more apples; josh wanders over to the trunk of the tree, gazing up at his ridiculous (yet _so_ adorable) boyfriend, attempting to reach up into the higher branches for more fruit without actually climbing up any higher. “i used to do this all the time.”

“ _used_ to,” josh declares, debating whether or not he’ll be able to climb up there himself without falling. “please come down.”

“just a few more.” josh narrowly avoids getting hit in the head by a falling apple, ducking out of the way. “i’m almost done, promise.”

josh sighs, tilting his chin back higher; tyler stretches his arm out above his head, grasping the last apple and twisting it off with a little bit of difficulty. “okay, i’m done,” he croons, peering down at josh through the branches with a crooked grin. “get your panties out of a twist. i didn’t fall, did i?”

“no,” josh reluctantly agrees, holding his breath as tyler shimmies his way down the trunk; once on solid ground, he cups his shirt in his hand, forming a makeshift sort of basket in the fabric. he crouches next to the trunk, beginning to pick up apples off the ground to pile into his shirt.

he stands up abruptly, beaming brightly at josh, and it makes his heart tug in several directions at once.

“come on, josh,” he crows, holding out his free hand; josh rolls his eyes in faux-exasperation, but he still twines their fingers together and allows himself to be practically dragged all the way over to the fence. he clicks his tongue, leaning his upper half up against the wood of the fence, attempting to get the attention of the horses; they don’t pay him any mind, tails swishing in the air, noses bent to the grass as they graze.

“honey, they like food,” josh sighs, reaching into tyler’s shirt-basket and pulling out one of the apples. he glances inside for a moment, frowning. “did you have to get so many?”

“ _yes_ ,” tyler defends, tugging himself away from josh’s prying eyes and sticking his tongue out petulantly. “and i’m not leaving until they eat every last one of them.”

josh huffs a laugh, waving the apple in the air over the fence and attempting at a pathetic sort of whinny; it manages to get one of the horses’ attention, miraculously, as she eyes him and begins to approach, head held high in the air.

“lemme feed her,” tyler whines, snatching the apple from josh’s hand; josh rolls his eyes again, forgiving the accidental insult on account of his excitement as he slides an arm around his waist and presses a kiss to his cheek.

and, on account of tyler’s word, they don’t leave until the horses have eaten every last apple.


	11. been waiting to take you down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "and he feels like he really, really likes josh.  
> and he feels like josh really, really likes him, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (title - black mambo by glass animals)  
> it's gay in here folks

being with tyler is easy.

it’s remarkable, almost, how simple things are between them; they fit together so well in the carefree lifestyle they’d found within each other, pieced together like clockwork. they’re led and near-consumed by their wanderlust, living in bliss like not a thing had ever been wrong with their lives. nothing much _had_ gone wrong, in the time they’d spent together; all of it had been fixed with tyler’s smile and josh’s laugh and a couple of chaste kisses.

it’s just them against the world and the bustle of the pick-up underneath their feet as they travel over miles of barren, empty stretches of road that seem almost void of life. they’ve long since abandoned the outskirts of illinois to head toward missouri; every second they drive puts more distance between their pasts, draws them closer to their future, puts tyler more at ease.

he’s _free_ , he keeps realizing, every now and then. mostly when josh laughs a little louder at one of his lame jokes, every time he smiles over at tyler when he thinks he isn’t looking, the press of their palms sliding together when they hold hands. every kiss he presses against his cheek, the adoration in his eyes, the way he describes just how much he _likes_ tyler in so much detail when he gets lost in his thoughts; this is freedom. this is what life is supposed to be like. this happiness he’s feeling, experiencing, _living_ , is what life is supposed to be like.

he doesn’t have to go back. he has a home, when just two weeks ago he thought he wouldn’t ever feel like he truly belonged anywhere; home is where the heart is, and his heart belongs with josh.

they’re another mile closer to los angeles, another mile closer to a new adventure, another mile closer to their new lives.

another mile away from his past. he couldn’t be happier and it leaves him stunned, occasionally. he’s never been this happy in his entire life. he’s allowed to be happy, he’s allowed to have emotions and he’s allowed to feel things other than just what’s black and what’s white.

and he feels like he really, _really_ likes josh.

and he feels like josh really, _really_ likes him, too.

if they way he smiles at him like he’s the only person on earth or the way he knows exactly when he’s upset and knows just what to do to help is anything to go by.

“you know,” josh chimes from the driver’s seat, giving tyler a meaningful glance and a faltering grin; he’d been quiet too long, he realizes after a brief pause, the only sound between them their breathing as josh pieces together what he means to say. he wasn’t _upset_ , per say; he was just lost in thought over the new emotions he’d been experiencing for the first time, but josh probably couldn’t tell the difference between his different types of silences just yet. there was a fairly fine line between them, after all. “we’re getting pretty close to missouri.”

tyler isn’t sure what he expected, but it probably wasn’t that. it’s an excuse to get him talking; he’s worried about tyler, because his over thinking hasn’t ever been a good thing, in his experience. talking keeps his thoughts at bay, and he smiles softly. it’s exactly what he needs. “yeah,” he agrees, a slight nod of his head; josh quirks up an eyebrow, reaches a hand over and rubs the inside of tyler’s thigh.

“what’s on your mind?” his tone is soft, inquisitive, but not quite prying. he respects tyler, knows tyler has his boundaries, and it warms his heart. he’s one of the first people to be so kind to him. he’s such a special person; he means so much to tyler it can get almost painful, the tugging in his chest pulling too fast, too rough.

he blinks at josh’s hand, before placing his own on top, running his thumb over his knuckles. “just thinking,” he sighs, curling his fingers over the top of his hand and fitting them in the gaps between josh’s.

a pause as josh processes, thinks about what to say next. “about?” he tries, and he’s well aware it’s possibly the lamest thing to say at the moment, but it’s the only thing that comes to mind.

“not really sure.” tyler traces a heart over josh’s knuckle with the tip of his index, nail dragging against his skin. his touch is light and soft, all innocent, pure affection, but it still makes josh’s heart race. another half-hearted shrug, a glance at the sun reflecting off of the windshield. then, quietly, “just about you and me.”

“oh.” josh’s voice is a lot softer than he’d meant it to be; his heart falters, slightly, at the dull tone of tyler’s voice. what was he thinking about when it concerned them? just him, in general, or them, being together? had he done something wrong, gone too far, moved too fast, accidentally pushed him into something he was uncomfortable with? he swallows down his fear, forces himself to think rationally instead of jumping to conclusions for once in his life. “what about you and me?”

tyler pauses, his touch halting over josh’s skin, and it does nothing to ease the rocking panic coiling up through josh’s stomach. what had he done _wrong_? “well,” he finally sighs, continuing his feather-light stroking up and down the back of his hand; he turns to josh, a tiny smile curling over his lips, and it helps to quell his anxiety some. he loves tyler’s smile. out of seven billion smiles in the entire world, he has the privilege to be able to look at tyler’s every day for as long as he wants to. he’s just so, _so_ lucky to have him. “i really like you, is all. i’m glad we’re together – i’m so happy with you. happier than i’ve ever been in my entire life.”

a breathless laugh on tyler’s part as he finally lets everything out, a shocked inhale on josh’s; he yanks his hand away from josh’s hold and slings his upper body over the middle console, cupping his jaw. he presses their lips together, touch fast and heated, singing josh’s skin – he’s wide-eyed when tyler pulls away, blearily refocusing on the road and resituating the truck back to his lane from where it had started drifting.

“jesus, ty,” he breathes, even though he’s grinning and his skin is burning pleasantly where his lips had touched his, where his fingertips had dug into the skin of his jaw. “you’re gonna be the death of me.”

“couldn’t help myself.” he stretches his arm out and curls it around the back of josh’s head, weaving his fingers through his hair. he tugs, softly, plays with the baby hair at the nape of his neck. “my boyfriend’s hot.”

“i could kiss you forever,” josh admits, leaning into the press of tyler’s fingertips against his scalp.

“well, good. you’re gonna be doing it a lot.” tyler’s grinning, twining blue through his fingers and pressing his thumb just underneath the lobe of his ear. then, curiously, as he gently pokes the tip of his index through his gauge, “when’d you get your ears gauged?”

josh badly suppresses a shudder as tyler’s nails scrape softly against his scalp. “senior year. right before i left home,” he recounts, and tyler further sticks his finger through the tunnel. “mom flipped out for three weeks straight. what are you _doing_?”

“i _like_ them,” tyler proclaims, tugging out his index and curling his fingers around the lobe, tugging slightly. “we should do mine.”

he scoffs, raising an eyebrow. “ooh, rebellion,” he chuckles, and tyler swats at his ear hastily, huffing an agitated sigh as he mumbles _shut up_ underneath his breath. “that’s badass, princess, you’d look good.”

“do you have any other piercings i should know about?” tyler ignores him, face oddly serious.

“now that you mention it,” josh begins, heaving in a deep breath; tyler gives an indignant gasp, and he bubbles over into childish giggles. “i’m _kidding_. no. but i had my lip pierced awhile ago.”

tyler’s eyebrows furrow; he traces his index along the line of josh’s jaw, pausing to press at his bottom lip. “that’s,” he begins, pausing as he subtly shifts in his seat. “interesting.”

he flicks his tongue out, dragging it up the pad of tyler’s thumb, and he shouts out something about josh being _gross_ as he yanks his hand away. “i don’t know where your tongue has been!” he’s saying, as josh laughs, dropping tyler a wink.

“oh, you _like_ it,” he chides, and tyler wrinkles up his nose in distaste, still wiping his thumb hurriedly off on his jeans.

“you’re nasty,” tyler groans.

“shut up, you love me.”

“that doesn’t change the fact that you’re _gross_ ,” tyler hurriedly mumbles, cheeks burning as he neither denies or confirms the fact that josh had said he’d loved him.

“i’m gross, and you’re whiny.”

they bicker on and off for the next hour about who’s grosser (tyler refuses to believe that grosser is even a word). missouri proves to be just as exciting as the rest of the trip had been.

they pass the welcome sign and tyler snaps a picture with his camera that’s most likely blurry and unintelligible; he’s still smiling, though, as he leans in toward josh and crows, “cheese!”

he puts on his best smile, tongue out and teeth bared, and the flash is still as absolutely blinding as ever.

“you’re cute,” tyler proclaims as he nestles the camera back into his lap, blowing josh a kiss when he blushes.

+

tyler falls asleep somewhere around six thirty, snoring in the passenger seat with his head kicked back at an angle he’s definitely going to regret later; the sky fades into a dusky purple and an eventual inky blue, beginning to speckle with stars.

 _tyler would love this_ , josh thinks as he surveys the horizon; too bad he’s asleep. he half-debates waking him up, but he looks too cute with his mouth hanging open and eyes scrunched close for josh to entertain the idea for any longer than a few seconds. let him sleep. there will always be more sunsets and more stars on their journey to wherever.

he grows even more tired by the second; something about driving saps all of his energy, and usually the only thing keeping him awake was tyler’s endless bouts of babbling. without that, his eyes droop and he yawns once every thirty seconds, and he thinks it might be time to hit the hay around the time he nearly crashes into a shrub on the side of the road.

he finds an area that looks suitable enough and parks the truck, breaking into yet another yawn; he shuts off the engine while calling tyler’s name.

no response.

of course. not surprising. he hops out and makes up their little bed by himself, nearly falling out of the back once or twice as exhaustion seeps into his bones; by the time he’s finished, tyler’s still as knocked out as ever.

he pops open the passenger’s side door, lays a hand on his knee. “ty,” he mumbles, wonders if leaving him there to sleep would be okay.

he decides that he’d definitely miss the opportunity to cuddle with him. he reaches over his middle and undoes his seatbelt, accidentally jostling him in the process. aside from a tiny snoring noise and a brief flutter of eyelashes, he doesn’t move, and josh groans softly.

“come on, baby,” he sighs, sliding one arm around tyler’s waist and the other under his knees despite his exhaustion. he shifts his boy into his arms, tucking him up closer to his chest before slamming the door closed with his foot.

the sound of the door closing jostles tyler enough for him to wake up some; he snorts, jolts into josh’s arms so quick he has to grip him tight to avoid dropping him. “wha –“ he vocalizes, blinking sleepily up at the side of his head as he’s carried to somewhere foreign. “where – what?”

“hang on.” josh resituates him, sitting him up on the tailgate until he gathers his surroundings, rubbing tiredly at his face. he’s so adorable when he’s half asleep, makes josh’s heart thumb erratically. “ready for bed?”

“could’ve walked, you know,” he huffs, even as he winds his arms around josh’s shoulders and tugs him close. their lips connect and tyler sighs happily, laughs breathlessly when josh’s tongue darts out to drag across his bottom lip. “you’re so gross, josh.”

“c’mon, i’m tired,” he whines, pulling himself up into the truck’s bed; tyler shuffles backwards, flops down onto his back and stares up at the stars as josh cuddles up into his side. for a moment, the only sound is the distant chirp of cicadas and the sound of josh’s heavy breathing evening out into relaxation.

he wants to let him sleep, he does, but the stars are amazing; they spread out into a midnight mess of a sky in swirls of white dots, and it’s amazing. he loves stargazing, will take any opportunity he can to talk about their beautiful, never ending galaxy.

“it’s beautiful,” he mumbles to no one in particular aside from himself, tipping his head back further to gaze at the billions of twinkling white lights. it’s breathtaking how ever-expanding and big the universe actually is. it’s hard for him to wrap his head around, sometimes. what else is out there, beyond their line of sight?

josh laughs from his side, rolling onto his back to stretch his hands out above his head despite how tired he is. he twists his fingers in the blankets, suppressing a yawn. “you know what else is beautiful?” he sighs, turning his head to tyler and blinking softly, adoringly over at him.

he keeps staring up at the stars, eyes wide and unabashed as he takes it all in. he loves the stars and the galaxies and the moon and space in all of its excellence; he could look at it for hours, even try to count every individual explosion of light in the sky. “what?” he asks quietly, preoccupied; it’s belated and soft, almost as if he’s forgotten how to speak, how to breathe. he’s swallowed up by amazement. why doesn’t he do this more often?

the astonishment and adoration reflected in tyler’s eyes is almost as breathtaking to josh as the stars are to tyler; he lets go of a stupid smile, curls a hand underneath his head and watches tyler’s chest rise and fall in time with his breathing. he’s unbelievably lucky to be able to call him his. “you’re beautiful,” he says, allowing a wider grin to pull at the corners of his lips; for a second tyler doesn’t respond, and a comfortable, companionable silence spreads out between them, fills spaces in josh that he didn’t even know were empty.

maybe tyler didn’t hear him. it’s a stupid joke, anyways, he doesn’t really need a reaction from him; but he turns his head slowly to josh, eyes narrowed. “you’re _so_ lame,” he groans, sounding almost pained.

“whatever,” josh huffs, his grin only widening; the sight is infectious, and tyler finds himself biting the inside of his cheek to keep himself from smiling. it’s a losing battle. he can’t help the grin that takes place, rolling his eyes when josh cheers triumphantly.

“shut up,” he mutters, turning back to the stars. he’s still smiling like an idiot, can’t seem to get it to leave his face. it’s just the effect josh has on him; the feeling of warmth spreading through his chest, how he makes him feel whole in the simplest of interaction. it’s all soft and gentle and innocent affection, feels like honey could possibly be flowing through his veins. he swears to god that josh might have pure sunshine embedded into his chest.

josh puts on a faux-pout, sliding closer to tyler. “ _make_ me,” he croons, tone dripping with challenge; tyler sighs, slapping a hand softly down against his chest and pushing him away with a slight grunt. he’s a bit heavier than anticipated.

“go away. you’re lame.” just as he’s retracting his hand, josh slides his fingers around his wrist and tugs him out so he’s lying flat on his back. for a second, he wriggles on his back in a surprised stupor and attempts to shuffle away, but josh hooks a leg around his waist to pull him closer before sliding himself up to settle on his hips.

the sudden change in atmosphere is intoxicating; tyler’s head swims as his gaze fixes on josh’s face, outlined by a background of stars. not good, not good, but too good at the same time; he swallows, and josh grins, sliding his hands up tyler’s chest leisurely to settle on his shoulders. he wets his lips with a quick flick of his tongue, and tyler tracks the movement hungrily. oh, how he _wants_ , but wanting is all he’ll be able to do with josh sitting on top of him like this.

“you look good,” josh praises, shuffling around; tyler lets out an involuntarily groan as the round firmness of josh’s ass brushes backwards against his cock. he’s already semi-hard from all of the teasing that the day had unfolded, and josh isn’t making any of this easier on him.

“ _josh_ ,” tyler chokes out in what he hopes is a warning, voice barely more than a whisper; his mouth has never been drier and he’s two seconds away from rutting up against the inside of josh’s thigh in desperation. not good, not good.

josh feigns indifference, rolling his palms up and down tyler’s shoulders; his touch burns, calloused palms scraping down over his forearms, setting his nerves aflame. he’s never been so sensitive to touch in his entire life, gasping as josh dips his head down. his eyes capture all of tyler’s attention, and he sighs, drowning in the two dark pools. “yeah?” he mumbles, all breathy and quick, and it fans over tyler’s face in waves of soft heat that curl all the way down through his veins to pool in his gut.

tyler has never begged for anything in his entire life (he takes pride in that factor), but he can’t help the tiny ‘please’ that he lets go of, lips parting as he pants out a heady breath. he wants, and it aches; he doesn’t even _know_ what he wants, aside from helplessly wishing that josh won’t ever stop touching him like he is right now. their hips press together tightly, and josh’s hands curve over his biceps, nails pulling lightly over his skin.

“what do you want, ty?” josh breathes, leans in further and presses their foreheads together; tyler lets out an involuntary whimper, and a sharp-edged grin curls across josh’s mouth.

as if he doesn’t _know_. tyler frowns, forehead creasing, and josh’s wicked smile only grows; he retracts his hands from his arms, lifts his hips up (tyler nearly cries at the sudden lack of pressure against his aching dick) and rolls off of tyler in one fluid motion.

“goodnight,” he mumbles as he slides onto his side, facing away from tyler, voice muffled by the pillows; tyler gasps in the air that suddenly floods his lungs, debating whether or not jamming a hand down into his pants to palm himself is a good idea or not.

on the upside, josh might actually grow up and touch him if he begins borderline jerking himself off right when he’s laying next to him; on the downside, josh might actually _touch_ him. it’s a terrifying thought that makes his blood run cold – what on earth was he getting himself into? what if josh got him undressed and was disappointed at what he _saw_? he wasn’t ready for any of this, and they were definitely moving too fast for his comfort zone.

for christ’s sake, he couldn’t even take his _shirt_ off around josh without getting squeamish. he had to practically force him to promise six times over that he wouldn’t come and look for him while he was changing; even then, he had to be completely out of sight behind trees to even begin to be comfortable enough to undress. it was a nuisance, and he was a _mess_.

with a resigned sigh, he curls up onto his side, refusing to attach himself to josh’s back like he really wants to so he can sleep better. he’s already found that he has so much less of a chance of getting night terrors with josh sleeping by his side, holding him. he tries to think of disgusting things to will his boner away, and in the end, imagining his own grandfather naked really does the trick. he huffs a sigh, fluffs out his pillow and shuffles around in the blankets, trying to get himself comfortable.

“quit moving,” josh grumbles from his left side, and when tyler looks over to him, he’s turned over so that he can blink blearily at him from over the top of the blanket smashed up against his face. he looks half-asleep, despite the glare, and tyler feels a sudden spike of guilt in his stomach at everything. he’s probably the worst boyfriend ever.

“sorry,” he sighs, tugging at his bottom lip with his teeth, gnawing at the skin greedily. “go back to bed.”

“wasn’t asleep,” josh replies near immediately, eyes suddenly sharper and more alert as he looks at tyler; something doesn’t feel right, and he wonders if maybe he went too far with everything. fuck. “are you okay?”

“fine.” tyler’s response is short, quiet. he’s avoiding eye contact with josh and everything is settling wrong with him about the situation.

he hauls in a deep breath, tugging the blankets away from his face. “did i go too far?” he asks, insecurity creeping up into the edges of his voice.

tyler looks surprised at the suggestion; his eyes widen and he shakes his head out of instinct. “no,” he promises, although it feels hollow on his tongue, like he’s lying and doing a horrible job; he backtracks at the worry in josh’s eyes that doesn’t fade with his empty promise, swallowing down his grief. talking is key to a healthy relationship, right? right. he has to learn to be okay with talking about his emotions if this was ever going to last. “i – just,” he pauses, tries to collect his scatterbrained thoughts. he feels a lot more tired than he remembers being five minutes ago.

“hey,” josh breaks into his thoughts, shuffling closer to gently drape a hand on tyler’s abdomen, testing the waters. “don’t stress. whatever it is, we can talk about it in the morning, okay? you’re tired.”

it’s amazing how _well_ josh can read him, and terrifying at the same time. it spurs up another wave of anxiety within him and he sighs shakily, trying to force away his feelings. he worries too much. “okay,” he finally says, assenting with a nod of his head; josh offers up a small smile, winding his arm further around his waist.

with a hum, tyler rolls over onto his side and presses himself up against josh’s chest, tucking his head underneath his chin. josh gives a breathless laugh, pressing a kiss to tyler’s hair before murmuring, “goodnight, sweetheart.”

he can practically feel his anxiety wash off of him in waves as he encases himself in josh’s hold, listening to the steady beat of his heart next to his ear. this is home.


	12. if you stick around i'll sing you pretty sounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “sorry, j, go back to sleep."  
> “don’t leave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't proofread this bc i'm lazy  
> it's still gay
> 
> title from that one song tyler wrote abt josh you know the one

he’s slightly afraid that every time he wakes up, he’s going to be sunburned. sure, the desert heat is great at night, when it feels like it could possibly be something below freezing and he has five blankets to curl up underneath plus a boyfriend who really likes to cuddle (and doubles as a convertible space heater).

it’s not so great when it wakes him up at ungodly hours, shooting the sun’s rays directly against his closed eyelids. he groans dejectedly, squints stupidly at the sun as he wakes up gradually before realizing that maybe, he should roll over onto his side instead of laying on his back.

that’s easier said than done. josh’s arms are wrapped around his torso, holding him in place, one of his legs slid between tyler’s thighs. he’s unbelievably thankful he has been graced with the good fortune of not waking up this _fine_ morning with a boner when he’s stuck in such a situation.

the current, more pressing issue at hand, is the stupid sun. he closes his eyes and tries to roll over onto his side to press his face against josh’s chest, accidentally jostling him too hard; he makes a snorting noise as he instinctively tugs tyler closer to his chest, mumbling something that sounds like a delirious ‘what?’.

“sorry, j, go back to sleep,” tyler whispers, shuffles around some more to resituate himself; josh’s gritty eyes blink open in confusion, mouth tugging into a frown.

“don’t leave,” he groans, dipping his head and nudging tyler’s chin to the side so he can press his face against his throat; he breathes in deep, hugs him close at his waist and lets out a tiny, relieved sigh of contentment when he doesn’t argue or move. “just five more minutes.”

five minutes. tyler can put up with the sun for five minutes, just for josh’s sake. he winds a hand through his hair, pulls his fingers lovingly through the blue strands and watches them turn vibrant in the sunlight; josh makes a tiny, happy noise in the back of his throat, nosing up tyler’s throat.

he should’ve known that five minutes wouldn’t just be five; it bleeds into ten, and then fifteen, with josh dozing in the sunlight and snoring lightly against tyler’s skin. he doesn’t mind, not at all. in fact, he appreciates the sanctity of the moment, the downtime where he just gets to hold his boyfriend and appreciate how he looks in the sun – his pale skin glows a honey sort of gold, blue hair a shock of color against the dullness of the blankets and pillows underneath their heads.

he’s a real beauty. his eyelashes flutter softly against his flushed cheeks, full lips parted to release tiny, short breaths of air that glide across the skin of tyler’s throat.

tyler likes him so much. he’s also so screwed.

fifteen turns into twenty, and tyler can feel the beginnings of a sunburn touching into the skin of his face; he gently scratches against josh’s scalp, murmuring his name softly. “j, wake up,” he sighs, and josh stirs ever so slightly, blinks blearily at tyler.

and he smiles, all bright white teeth as he nuzzles himself closer to tyler and whispers good morning under his breath.

“good morning,” tyler replies, tone gentle as he threads his fingers through his hair and presses a soft kiss to the space between his eyebrows. “ready to get moving?”

“as long as i’m with you.” even half asleep, josh manages to be as sappy as ever, and it makes tyler’s heart ache. it’s the good kind of ache, once more, familiar now in its gentle tugging; the same feeling of warmth spreading through tyler’s chest, flowing through his veins like silk and honey. just the effect josh has on him, and he wouldn’t trade it for any feeling in the world.

they kiss lazily for a few moments, as josh gradually wakes up and tyler giggles over the sluggishness of his movements; he hoarsely mutters _shut up,_ but there’s no bite behind his words and tyler’s laughter makes him smile like nothing else ever has.

eventually, they do get up, packing up their blankets and pillows and stowing them away in the back of the truck like any other morning they share.

“no offense,” tyler finds himself saying as he’s packing up the last blanket, and josh just knows he’s probably going to be offended no matter what he says. “but we kinda reek, dude. i need a shower.”

josh looks at him for a second, eyes narrowed in confusion because that’s definitely never what he would’ve expected to come from tyler’s mouth, before he laughs. “alright, fair enough,” he agrees, shrugging. “guess we should take a shower soon, or something.”

tyler cracks an easy grin, slides an arm around josh’s waist and pecks his cheek softly. then, he wrinkles his nose jokingly, pushing him away suddenly at the shoulder. “you _smell_ ,” he defends when josh raises an eyebrow at him in mild bewilderment.

“so do you,” josh shoots back, poking his index at tyler’s chest and laughing when he twists out of his way.

well, he does have a point. tyler merely shrugs, slamming the tailgate closed. “i’m also out of clean shirts.”

“looks like it’s laundry time,” josh offers. “but i’ve still got a couple of extra shirts, if you want one.” he ignores just how excited he feels about the prospect of tyler wearing his clothes. they’d be just slightly too baggy on him, just a little too short on his torso, but oh so wonderful. he’d look _great_.

“are we _that_ couple?” tyler groans, a twinge of faux-annoyance creeping up into his voice, but there’s an undeniable glimmer of animated excitement in his eyes. his groaning grows louder, more extenuated when josh shrugs. “fine, whatever. just give me a shirt, you big dork.”

“don’t act like you’re not thrilled,” josh calls over his shoulder as he moves over to the back door, popping it open and reaching in for his suitcase; he balances it on the seat and digs through it until he finds one that smells clean. it’ll have to do; he’s a little surprised that he’s forgotten to do laundry all along. what can he say? tyler’s fairly distracting. he turns around, and tyler’s standing behind him, which is the most surprising thing of all.

he makes the most embarrassing sound in the world out of fright, a cross between a yelp and a shout, heart racing as he instinctively raises his hands to defend himself; against what? _tyler_? one of the tiniest people he _knows_?

he ignores the fact that tyler’s a couple inches taller than him in favor of pressing a hand against his chest, feeling his heartbeat drum erratically underneath his fingertips. was he really going to try to fight his own boyfriend? tyler looks almost as shocked as he does, all wide eyes; it quickly dissipates from his face, slowly replaced by a wide grin. “oh, did i scare you?” he asks rhetorically, laughing liltingly when josh huffs in disappointment.

“shut up,” josh groans, thrusting out his shirt and trying to will his embarrassed blush away; tyler takes in one hand, stepping closer to cup josh’s jaw in the other before pressing a kiss to his forehead, mumbling that he’s _sorry_. josh hates the fact that he immediately leans into his touch. he blinks open his eyes, glaring at tyler as best as he can with his jaw still in the palm of his hand. “whatever, you loser, just change so we can leave.”

tyler shifts, pulling away from josh and tugging the shirt up to his chest self-consciously. his entire posture shifts, atmosphere switching suddenly, and josh halts, confused.

“can you please go get in the truck?” he asks timidly, and josh almost forgets for half a second that tyler’s still not comfortable taking off his shirt around him for even just a second.

“oh, yeah, sure.” josh nods, even though it’s an unnecessary gesture, moving around tyler and opening up the door; he slides inside and casually pulls the seatbelt over his chest, respecting tyler enough to not look at him through the rearview mirror as he sticks the key into the ignition.

the engine rumbles to life as soon as tyler opens his door, throwing his dirty shirt into the backseat and sliding his way up; he looks good in josh’s clothes, almost _unbelievably_ so, and he makes an immediate mental note to get him to wear as many of his clothes as he possibly can.

he’s not even aware that he’s staring until tyler clears his throat, raising an eyebrow. “what?” he asks, tugging at the hem of the shirt with his fingers.

“nothing,” josh mumbles, slipping into an easy grin. “you just look good, that’s all.”

tyler hates the fact that he blushes at josh’s words; he huffs, allowing a tiny smile to grace his features. with all the times he’d been complimented lately, you’d think his face would stop further embarrassing him. “thank you,” he says anyways, relaxing into his seat.

josh has a feeling he probably won’t ever get that shirt back again. not a big deal, really; it looks way better on tyler than it ever did on him.

+

they find a small town just on the way into missouri that neither of them remember the name of. for a bit, they drive aimlessly in what seems like circles, trying to find some form of a laundromat.

even if said laundromat is just a bucket of water and washboard in the middle of nowhere. he’ll take anything, at this point; tyler’s right, they really do reek.

he considers himself very, very lucky when he finds a laundromat towards the center of the town; tyler cheers sleepily from the passenger’s side, on the verge of half asleep and half awake as josh pulls into the vacant parking lot.

not a soul in sight.

this town sort of reminds him of a stephen king book he read, once upon a time. he shudders as he turns the truck’s ignition off and pops open his door, moving to collect their bags from the backseat.

tyler follows behind, sluggishly, opening the laundromat’s door so josh can slip inside with their bags; there’s exactly two dryers and two washers inside, and a vending machine that isn’t lit up.

it’s a little frightening, if he’s honest, but tyler doesn’t seem to mind. “at least we can do laundry,” he says, echoing josh’s thoughts in an attempt to be positive as he sweeps over to one of the washers, opening the lid. “c’mon. the sooner we leave, the better.”

“you’re smart,” josh says absently as he walks over, already unzipping tyler’s bag; tyler beams, shrugging his shoulders.

he briefly thinks about calling debby and informing them that they’re both still very much alive; he hasn’t done so in awhile, and it’s best to do it now while he has downtime. he fishes his phone out of his pocket, mildly surprised to see that he miraculously, by some act of grace, has two bars of service. shout out to whatever higher powers are out there.

the phone rings five times before debby picks up with an excited-sounding, _josh, you’re alive!_

“hey, deb,” josh mumbles, tucking his phone up next to his ear as he sorts clothes out of the bag; tyler hops up onto the closed dryer next to him, swinging his legs back and forth and watching with mild interest as josh piles in their laundry. “we’re in missouri right now. not sure where. how are you?”

tyler runs his fingers through his hair, tugging on the locks as josh catches up. he needs a haircut. maybe josh will cut his hair for him, if he asks nicely enough. he likes the idea.

“no,” josh is saying as he separates a shirt from a pair of his boxers, and then, loudly, “deb, _no_ , jeez!”

a fine blush is spreading across his cheeks like wildfire and he’s frowning, teeth digging into his bottom lip as he casts a worried glance tyler’s way. “knock it off, it’s not like that.”

“what’s she talking about?” tyler pries with a grin, nudging josh’s upper thigh with the tip of his shoe. josh shakes his head hurriedly, rolling his eyes before giving another sharp ‘no’ in response to her persistent questioning.

“it’s not like that,” josh repeats, pushing down the lid on the washer and fishing quarters out of his pocket; he loads the slot just as he’s saying, “no, i actually _care_ about him, deb.” the machine jumps to life, startling tyler; he casts josh a pleading look to let him in on the conversation, kicking his feet again.

“what? why do you need –“ a pause, and then a disjointed sigh as josh rubs at his temple. “oh, for fuck’s sake. really? you’re disgusting. we’ve been sleeping in the truck. yes, _together_. stop being childish. stop laughing.”

tyler lets out a little laugh of his own, reaching for josh’s unoccupied hand and tugging him closer so he can fit between his thighs. he grumbles something unintelligible as he slides his head over tyler’s shoulder, resting his forehead against the side of his neck. he can hear a feminine voice chirping away, and he catches the tail end of her sentence – _sorry, josh, it’s just that you seemed so into him, i thought you would’ve by now._

his face burns as he finally realizes what, exactly, she’d been insinuating; he freezes up slightly, and josh tugs back enough to frown apologetically at him and mouth ‘sorry’.

“i am into him,” josh insists, still making eye contact with tyler as he speaks; tyler grins softly, squeezing his thighs where they’re hooked around josh’s waist. “i’m really into him. it’s why we’re taking things slow. right, ty?”

he nods eagerly, laughing again when josh beams and declares, “yes, he can hear you,” even though he really can’t; anything to get a rile out of her, tyler assumes. he tucks his head back up against tyler’s shoulder, winding his arms around his waist. tyler hums, content, kissing his forehead and resting his hands on his hips.

 _why are you two sleeping in the back of the truck?_ debby questions, voice tinny and crackly with distance; josh presses a distracted kiss to the side of tyler’s throat, sighing when he replies, “saves money. you know how it is.”

tyler squeezes his hips, noses through his hair and closes his eyes, listening to debby prattle on about just how dangerous that could be and how they could both get murdered. her tone is scandalized, and it vaguely reminds tyler of how his mom used to be; he chuckles, and he can feel josh smile against his skin. “we like a little bit of danger,” josh responds, twisting the fabric of tyler’s shirt between the fingers of his free hand.

 _you still have your card, right?_ she barrels on, ignoring josh entirely. josh tips his head back, rolling his eyes in exaggeration at tyler as he reminds in a tone that sounds like the millionth time, “emergencies only.”

 _this is an emergency_ , she proclaims, and josh’s head thumps back onto tyler’s chest in exasperation. “deb, i don’t want to waste it –“ he barely even says, before she continues talking, tone excited; tyler can barely make out what she’s saying, but josh catches every bit of it. experience from living with her, probably. “no, you don’t have to – i can’t let you do that –“

 _yes, you can, and you will_. the new tone she adopts signifies that it’s a battle josh won’t be winning; he pulls away from tyler suddenly, slipping out from between his thighs and carding a hand through his hair in frustration. “that’s asking for way too much,” he declares, brows furrowing and mouth tightening into a line. “deb, come on, i can take care of myself –“ a break, as he’s obviously interrupted.

“i can take care of him, too,” he continues a second later. it doesn’t take much genius on tyler’s part to see that josh is obviously talking about him, and he cocks his head to the side in mild confusion. he’d like to state that he can take care of himself just fine, thanks, but he bites his tongue; josh is just being protective. it’s cute, and it makes tyler grin.

“deb, please,” josh groans, pauses, and tyler sighs, kicks his feet again out of lack of anything better to do with himself. “are you _sure_ you don’t mind?” he reiterates, casting a tired glance over at tyler before hesitantly nodding. “okay. fine. just – okay. thank you, deb, we really appreciate it.”

tyler’s head perks up at the mention of the word ‘we’; josh seems to have dissented, shoulders sagged, relief written all over his face. “no, we really do, okay? i can’t wait to tell him. thank you so much, deb. i love you.”

tyler grins, sliding off of the washer just as josh ends his call with another ‘i love you’; he beams so bright tyler’s afraid he might go blind from the slight, bounding over to him and throwing his arms around his waist.

they’re both laughing, josh out of excitement and tyler out of confusion (and happiness, it’s such a gift to see him smile so big); tyler’s laughing dips into a surprised squeak as josh squeezes around his waist and lifts him off of the ground effortlessly, spinning him around in a quick circle. his feet touch solid ground and he gasps out another laugh, sliding his arms around josh’s neck. “what’s that about?”

josh says nothing, merely grinning as he smashes their lips together and drowns another one of tyler’s indignant squeaks; he kisses him hard and fast, leaving tyler breathless and helplessly trying to match his rhythm. he peppers burning, quick kisses all over his face, against the corner of his mouth and up the line of his jaw, across his cheek and even up the bridge of his nose.

“must be good news,” tyler whispers when he finally pulls away for air; they’re both gasping and flushed from the tips of the ears down their throats, and josh laughs again, drawing him in for another hug. “wanna tell me about it now or kiss me some more?”

kissing sounds more appealing, so josh presses their lips back together softly. tyler eagerly returns, sliding his arms from where they’ve settled around his shoulders to cup his face in his hands. josh’s eyes sparkle when he tugs back, and he’s still stupidly grinning, enveloping himself in tyler’s touch.

“deb’s gonna send me some money,” he rushes to explain, just as the beep of the washer sounds in the background. his eyes flicker to it, moving right back to tyler as he nods, allowing him to continue with a bright smile of his own. “to help pay for hotels and food and stuff. sorry – i got excited.”

tyler laughs, tugs him close by his jaw and kisses him again. “don’t be sorry,” he mumbles against his lips, kisses him again just because he _can_. josh is all his and it makes his head swim in a daze, his heart twitch with excitement. “that’s great, baby. come on, let’s finish up here.”

he slips his hand into josh’s before he pulls away, tugging him toward the washer and opening up the lid of the dryer. josh tosses clothes in, the smell of detergent filling up his nose; he slams the lid closed on the washer and then the dryer, and tyler immediately hops up onto the closed lid, swinging his legs back and forth rhythmically.

josh slides up onto the washer, kicking his legs into tyler’s lap; tyler scoffs, but he still lays his hands on his shins, absently rubbing patterns into the fabric of his jeans. “so,” he says, after a minute or two of companionable silence. “what was debby talking about?”

his face immediately takes on another blush as he frowns at tyler. “c’mon,” he groans, only partially annoyed, as he leans back on his hand, and tyler giggles. “don’t do that.”

“oh, whatever,” tyler slaps half-heartedly at his shin. “tell me.”

“ _ty_.”

“ _josh_.”

“you _know_.”

“what, she wanted to know about us having sex?” tyler deadpans, and josh gapes at the sudden bluntness of everything and the odd seriousness dripping from tyler’s voice; and then he laughs, squeezing josh’s knee, and the awkwardness melts within seconds. “i know. i’m just teasing.”

“you’re the worst.”

“you love me.”

no response. josh gives a rather shaky inhale, and their comfortable, joking silence shifts into something awkward. “debby’s great,” he tries after a second of quiet, lamely, but they’re both grateful for his attempt at trying to change the subject. “she’s done so much for me. great girl.”

“she sounds really great,” tyler agrees with a slight nod of his head, running his palm up and down josh’s shin.

for the next ten minutes until the buzzer goes off on the dryer, they banter and talk about nothing particularly exciting; tyler finds himself laying next to josh, sprawled over the two machines as they hold hands and listen to each other breathe. it’s probably among the weirder things they’ve done, but it’s undeniably them, and he loves every second of it.

“we should probably get moving,” josh mumbles when the buzzer goes again.

tyler sighs, reluctant to move. “can’t we just lay here?”

josh shrugs. they continue to lay flat on their backs, lazily tracing patterns over each other’s hands. the buzzer goes off two more times before josh sits himself up, tugging at tyler’s wrist. “come on. the quicker we move, the sooner you can shower.”

that’s the ticket. tyler gives an exaggerated sigh, pulling himself up and sliding off of the machines; josh tugs open the dryer lid, reaching in for their warm clothes. immediately, he shoves his face against the bundle in his hands, sighing happily.

“josh,” tyler mumbles, amused.

“what?” josh replies, voice muffled.

“i want to get going soon, please.”

“okay.”

he still doesn’t move. tyler pulls at his arm, shoving a bag at his chest quietly; josh finally pulls the clothes away from his face and begins to pile them into the bag without separating which belongs to who.

it’s not like there’s a need. he has a feeling tyler probably won’t ever go back to wearing his own clothes ever again if he can absolutely help it. josh doesn’t mind in the slightest – tyler looks so _good_ in his clothes, his mind keeps reiterating helplessly. he wants him to wear everything that belongs to him, if he’s being honest.

he finishes shoving most of the clothes into tyler’s backpack, handing it over before loading up his suitcase with the rest and zipping it up.

“ready to go?” tyler asks with a grin, slinging his bag over his shoulder and holding out his hand for josh to take.

and he is. he’d go anywhere he asked him to.

 


	13. you're the only one that i'm dreaming of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "they leave the small ghost town and head back out to the highway."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda another filler but it's super cute and some important stuff happens near the end
> 
> (title - stray heart by green day)

they pile into the truck again, and tyler’s grinning as he leans over the middle console to plant a wet kiss on josh’s cheek.

“disgusting!” he crows, making an exaggerated effort to rub at the saliva on his cheek, but he’s beaming and there’s a happiness in him like no other.

they leave the small ghost town and head back out to the highway. there’s more traffic than usual, but it’s comforting, in a way; it’s just them, singing along to shitty pop on the radio while tyler dances and josh drives.

thirty minutes away, they hit the next town; it’s bigger than the last, and they fill up on gas before scouring for a hotel. the one they find near the center isn’t extravagant, by any means, but it’s a step up from what they were just getting used to staying in.

tyler will admit that he misses the stars, however, no matter how comfortable a bed may be.

but, there’s a pool, which tyler is beyond excited for. he’s only been swimming a couple of times, but this time will rival all of those because he’s with _josh_.

his excitement peaks as they pull into the parking lot; he’s practically bouncing in his seat and josh keeps looking at him from the corner of his eye, smiling dopily. he’s so lucky to have him.

“you excited?” he still asks, just to see tyler nod a little frantically. “that’s good, baby. i’m glad.”

it’s a blessing to see him so excited. he loves seeing tyler with a smile on his face, so him being this happy resonates deeply within josh. he parks, and tyler nearly topples out of the truck in his haste; he meets josh around the front, and he’s grinning, carrying both of their bags.

it reminds him of an earlier time, an earlier memory, something just like this; standing in front of the truck, staring at each other as josh holds their things, and the unbearable ache of want deep in his chest.

but he doesn’t have to turn away from it. this time, he can cave into his want and he can kiss josh.

so, he does. he leans in and he presses their lips together, feeling josh reciprocate instantly, and it’s a moment tyler will treasure forever.

josh pulls away first, pecking tyler’s nose as he murmurs, “ready to check in?”

he nods. he is. he’s ready for anything, as long as josh is by his side.

he wants to grab josh’s hand and hold it as they walk, but he’s occupied by carrying both of their bags in either hand, so he lets it slide, promises to hold it again at another time. their lives brim with opportunities for him to be able to show josh all of his affection. it’s not like they’re running out of time together.

tyler keeps a watchful eye on the receptionist as josh converses; he’s a tall, younger sort of man with a goatee type of thing going on and a head full of black hair. he prides himself on the fact that he knows that he’s not josh’s type, anyway. what even _is_ josh’s type? tyler, probably. no, definitely, one hundred percent tyler.

he smiles stupidly to himself as josh motions for him to follow along; he does, without hesitation, following him down the hallway until he stops at room 109. he slides the keycard up and opens the room, and tyler’s grin only grows wider.

it’s bigger than any of the other rooms they’ve stayed in, with a separate living room area and kitchenette, along with a bedroom off to the right.

he’s consumed by his happiness as josh drops their bags onto the couch; he moves to go explore the bedroom, and tyler follows. a double bed is spread out in the middle of the room, covers pulled back slightly to expose crisp white sheets. it’s wonderful, and josh immediately collapses onto the middle, sprawling out like a starfish.

tyler flops down next to him, curling up against his side and closing his eyes; he thinks he could probably go to sleep right then and there, if josh just wrapped an arm around his waist.

“ty,” josh says, and his eyes flicker open to look at him. “i’m gonna get in the shower.”

“josh,” tyler deadpans, face oddly serious suddenly.

“yes?”

“why would you shower when there’s a _pool_?” his tone picks up a twinge of excitement on the last word.

for a second, he’s confused. because he smells bad? but then it dawns on him, and their eyes connect, and both of them smile at the same time.

“you’re a genius,” he proclaims, and tyler shrugs the best he can while laying on a flat surface.

“i know. but i don’t have swim trunks.” a brief, crestfallen pause, and then he lifts his chin up and ponders thoughtfully, “do you think i’ll get in trouble for wearing my boxers down there?”

an image arises in josh’s mind. tyler, sopping wet, wearing only a pair of boxers that cling to his skin. his head swims lazily. “yes,” he immediately says, even though he probably wouldn’t; he just doesn’t think he’d be able to handle seeing _that_ tyler in real life. “i’ve got an extra pair of trunks in my bag.”

tyler’s face lights up again. “sweet,” he crows, popping up off the bed.

five minutes later, they head down to the indoor pool, arms laden with towels and dressed for the occasion; they’d had a bit of trouble with tyler, considering josh’s hips were bigger and the trunks were riding dangerously low on his hips. josh had made a very prominent point to not look at his body, just his face, for the rest of the day, or things would go down south very quickly.

tyler bounces on the balls of his feet the entire walk, nearly swallowing his tongue when the door to the pool finally comes into view; he’s excited, can’t really help the little noise he makes.

josh is just glad he’s happy. it’s a wonderful thing to see. he smiles, opens the door with a flourish to allow tyler inside; he laughs, all bright and cheerful. “thank you,” he murmurs, a soft smile playing on his lips.

“you’re welcome,” josh chirps back with an equally as bright smile.

to their surprise, no one’s there; the rush of the hot tub echoes distantly in the room. he was expecting at least one person, a child at the very least or just _someone_ to be splashing about in the water.

but they’re lucky, it seems. tyler cocks his head to the right questioningly as he claims a table by the water and begins setting his towels down. “where is everyone?”

“don’t know,” josh answers truthfully, setting his things down next to tyler’s. he moves to slide off his shirt, slinging it over the back of the chair; he wastes no time, and certainly doesn’t wait for tyler as he takes the floor in a few smooth strides – tyler wants to remind him not to run, per all the signs hanging on the walls, but before the words leave his mouth josh is cannon-balling into the center of the pool.

his thoughts are swallowed up by the splash of the water; josh reappears, blue hair turning a dark shade where it’s plastered thickly to his forehead. he’s beaming at tyler from over the water’s tide, arms wading as he calls, “come on, ty, water’s fine!”

tyler laughs, before he’s suddenly hit with a crushing thought.

he’s still wearing his t-shirt. and, normally, people don’t wear shirts to swim in.

fuck. he swallows, eyes widening; he can’t take his shirt off, not here, not now. he’s done so good on pushing the problem aside and keeping it out of conversation, and josh hasn’t questioned him yet. he can’t let it happen _now_.

“tyler, you okay?” josh’s voice is edged with concern when he doesn’t respond, and he wades over to the side of the pool, sliding his arms onto the concrete. “what’s wrong?”

tyler pads over to the edge of the pool, crouching down and sitting to allow his legs to dangle in the water near josh’s chest. he lazily wraps his arms around the backs of his knees, resting his chin on the top of his thigh and blinking up at him with huge brown eyes. “just – can’t swim very well,” he lies through his teeth, cracking a nervous smile. things were going to go to hell so quickly if he didn’t just get in the fucking water.

“well, come on, i’ll hold you,” josh begins, tugging on his hold slightly; his face lights up again at the idea, before he realizes that tyler hasn’t budged and isn’t smiling at all. his grin falters and then eventually fades as he realizes that he still has his shirt on. “you’re still wearing your shirt. everything okay?”

fuck. tyler’s eyes slide closed as he leans back, away from josh; his lip trembles nervously and josh panics for half a second, thinks he’s about to start crying – did he touch a nerve on accident? “just,” tyler mumbles, and his voice quavers slightly. he swallows down his guilt, cards a shaking hand through his hair and tugs at the strands to ground himself. “i feel like if i take my shirt off and you see _me_ – like, see all of me, you’ll be disappointed. i’m not – you know. i’m really not that good looking. i’m too scrawny and you can see my ribs and it’s freaky and shit and i – don’t know, j. i’m not good enough for you.”

josh pauses, legs wading through the water as he carefully processes, turns over the words of his sentence in his head; tyler makes a small, sad sort of whimper when he doesn’t say anything right away. “sorry,” he mumbles, tugging backwards out of josh’s hold and stumbling back, sliding across the concrete. his voice quivers again when he mumbles, “i’m sorry,” hot tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

“tyler, hang on,” josh hurriedly says, pulls himself out of the pool water and reaches for him, slinging his arms around his shoulders just as quiet tears begin to drip down his cheeks. “don’t cry, honey – you’re so _perfect_ , tyler,” he begins, pausing to haul in a deep breath as he slides his hands up and cups his cheeks, pressing away his tears with the pads of his thumbs.

“you _are_ good enough, okay?” he continues, presses a kiss to tyler’s forehead before pulling back to look him right in the eye. “you’re more than good enough to me. you’re perfect, and you’re _so_ beautiful, and i’m so lucky to have you, ty. you’re my beautiful boy, alright? it doesn’t matter what size you are, ty, i love you all the same because that’s not what i love about you – i love your laugh, and your personality, and everything else about you –“

he halts, suddenly, as tyler shakes underneath his hands, sobs coming quicker; he shushes him, wipes away his tears with a furrowed, worried crease between his eyebrows. “oh, please stop crying, ty, i don’t know what to do,” he admits, hurriedly brushing away more of the tears that fall. “tell me what’s wrong so i can help you.”

“sorry,” tyler hiccups, curling his hands over josh’s shoulders and tugging him into a hug. he clings to him, fingernails digging into the skin of his back as he shakes with his sobs, pressing his face against josh’s chest. “i’m sorry.”

his words are slightly muffled by josh’s skin; he shushes him once more, winds his arms around him to rub soothing circles all over his shoulders and upper back. “nothing to be sorry about,” he promises, pressing soft kisses to the crown of his head. “it’s okay, baby, i’ve got you. my beautiful boy.”

his last words are more whispered to himself than anything, so he clears his throat and repeats with more clarity as he rocks tyler gently in his arms, “you’re my beautiful boy.”

tyler nods shakily against his chest, staying encased in his hold. they sit together for seconds that stretch into long minutes before he finally pulls himself together enough to sit back, gently rubbing at his face. “thank you,” he sighs, cupping josh’s face in his hands and brushing their noses together lightly. “you mean so much to me.”

and then, he kisses him, tentative and sweet; josh moves his lips against his, matching his slow rhythm and melting into his hold.

they share soft kisses; josh tugs back enough to whisper that he means just as much to him against his lips before pressing them back together.

“let’s go swim,” tyler hums, fingers brushing at the hem of his t-shirt; he hesitates before deciding fuck it, josh likes him no matter what, and he’s good enough. he tugs it off and josh whistles obnoxiously, laughing at tyler’s face-splitting grin.

“you’re so beautiful,” he whispers, pulls him close at the waist so he can kiss him again. “every part of you, tyler, i mean it. all of you is so, so beautiful.”

“thank you.” another kiss. “you are, too.” another kiss. “swim now?” one more kiss.

he drags his tongue along tyler’s bottom lip, pulls back and leaves him blushing; he stands to his feet and extends his hand, and tyler takes it softly, stretching out his back.

he is beautiful. he feels beautiful.

josh pulls him in for a hug, laying his hand flat against the bare skin of his back. “my beautiful boy,” he repeats, kissing his temple, and tyler lets out a soft giggle.

he whirls away, does another cannonball, cheering the entire time down; tyler follows along more slowly, easing his legs in first before wading in entirely, water washing up against his chest and throat. for a second, he flounders in the deep end, but josh moves up next to him, circling strong arms around his hips.

“i got you,” he mumbles, and tyler laughs, winding his arms round his shoulders, hitching his legs around his waist and pressing their lips together again.

softly, josh bites at his bottom lip and his mouth falls open, pliant under his discretion; he backs tyler up against the edge of the pool wall, water lapping at their chests as josh licks into his mouth, listening to him hum softly in appreciation.

tyler’s the one to break their kiss; he tilts his chin up, gasping as josh dips his head and begins pressing kisses down the column of his throat. “jeez, j,” he sighs offhandedly, leaning in to the press of his lips against his skin; he winds a hand through his hair, fingernails scraping against his scalp. “feels good.”

his head tips back farther, and josh hums, flicking out his tongue and dragging it up his skin; he grazes with his teeth, just barely, before tugging back, pulling tyler by his hips back out into open water.

“why’d you stop?” he whines, hastily following after, and josh merely splashes him slightly with a smile.

“came here to swim,” he explains, splashing tyler again as he moves through the water. “i can kiss you anytime.”

tyler grins crookedly, sliding around josh to press against his back and hook his arms over his shoulders. “carry me.”

his legs wind around his waist, ankles crossing and pressing down against his lower stomach; he huffs, hoists tyler up better and begins wading through the water. “sure, princess.”

he does a slow lap around the pool, tyler laughing breathlessly next to his ear. “one more,” he tries, and josh sighs in over-exaggeration.

he ends up doing three more laps before he turns around, tugging tyler off of his back and turning him into his hold, chests pressing flush together; his eyelashes are wet, sticking together and framing his huge brown eyes as he blinks up at josh. “beautiful,” josh breathes, grinning when tyler blushes.

“i’m gonna go get in the hot tub, you big sap,” tyler groans, pushing gently at his chest and sliding out of his arms before he can retaliate. and honestly, the hot tub doesn’t sound too bad right then and there, especially not with tyler.

josh follows after on his heels, fumbling his way out of the pool and approaching the edge of the hot tub the second tyler begins getting in. tyler makes an odd hissing noise as he slides his lower body into the hot water, cut short by a breathy ‘ah’.

josh snorts, slowly easing himself into the water. bubbles foam up around his chest and he leans up against the wall, tilting his head back to enjoy the heat encasing his skin. this time, tyler’s the one to make an indignant noise as he maneuvers around in the water, shifting closer to josh until their thighs are pressing together.

“what are you doing?” he asks, not bothering to open his eyes.

“nothing,” tyler responds as he hooks a leg over josh’s waist and slides up into his lap, sitting back on his thighs. he leans in, capturing josh’s wide-eyed gaze with a crooked grin. “hi.”

“hi,” josh responds, eyebrows furrowing in confusion as tyler settles softly onto his hips; he cups his hands on either of josh’s shoulders, leaning in to press their foreheads together. his eyes flutter shut again, only blowing open seconds later as tyler softly begins to kiss him.

it’s a soft, slow thing, but it makes a wave of heat curl through josh’s gut; tyler has that sort of effect on him, and the fact that he’s sitting on his lap doesn’t help anything. impatiently, he nips at tyler’s bottom lip, but he laughs, tugging back slightly.

“come on, ty,” josh purrs, settling his hands on his hips and trying to kiss him again. but tyler shakes his head, using one of his hands to cup josh’s jaw.

“i’m trying to have a _moment_ ,” he scoffs, rolling his eyes before bubbling over into laughter. “i’m kidding.” he kisses josh again with twice the fervency, allowing him to slide his tongue over his lips and slip into his mouth once more. bolstered with a sudden wave of confidence, he rocks his hips down experimentally, wrinkling his nose in distant when josh groans into his mouth.

“jesus, what’re you doing?” josh mumbles hurriedly, tugging away from his lips; his skin burns where tyler’s gripping at his shoulder, leaving tiny crescents from his nails marked into his skin.

“nothing,” tyler repeats, pecking the tip of josh’s nose innocently before sliding out of his lap; josh lets out a tiny noise at the friction it makes, seating himself across from josh and kicking his legs into his lap.

too close to the danger zone for comfort. he awkwardly lays a hand over tyler’s shin and resituates himself so his foot is farther away from the slowly becoming prominent bulge in his trunks; he’s just thankful he’s underwater. he can take care of himself when he’s showering.

“don’t touch my feet,” tyler scowls, lightly kicking at josh’s hand and putting his foot right back where it was. it rolls over josh’s cock and his hips twitch involuntarily; he glows a shade of pink that he hope can be blamed on the heat of the water.

for the next five minutes, he has to sit in utter agony as tyler chatters; every time he gets animated about something, his toes curl inward – it would be adorable, if they weren’t shoved up against josh’s groin.

he lets out a grunt as tyler gives a particularly enthusiastic kick with his foot, biting his lip to stifle his noises. tyler pays him no mind, continuing to chatter about whatever it is he’s excited about. josh can’t even begin to pay attention, hasn’t been able to for god knows how long.

and then, tyler tips his head over to the left and asks, “can we get ice cream?”

josh swears underneath his breath as his heel rolls over his cock again as he unfolds his legs from josh’s lap, offering up nothing more than a resigned sigh. “of course,” he says, even though he definitely doesn’t want a repeat of what went down in the ice cream shop at the moment; he can’t deny tyler anything.

tyler immediately bolts up out of the water, cheering and wiggling his hips a little bit as he walks to grab a towel. josh follows the movement hungrily as he crawls out of the hot tub, sighing inwardly. he’s bitten off way more than he can chew, at this point.

tyler wraps his towel loosely around his waist and tugs on his shirt. the way it sticks to his skin shouldn’t be nearly as appealing to josh as it is in the current moment; he breathes in deep, watching as a droplet of water slides down the side of tyler’s throat. he’s going to be the death of him.

“what’re you staring at?” he teases, and josh realizes he is, indeed, staring at him; his eyes snap to tyler’s and he’s smiling softly, the beginning of a blush riding into his cheeks.

“my beautiful boy,” josh responds immediately, laughs when tyler’s cheeks further turn pink.

“whatever.” he turns away before josh can object, sliding the door open and holding it for him; it’s a welcome change, and he extends his hand for tyler to take while they walk back to their room.

he swings their hands between them, a smile constantly affixed to his face; he reeks like chlorine and his skin sort of itches, but he’s never been happier. josh squeezes his hand, and the happiness only grows, spreads through his chest like warm velvet.

_i love you_ , tyler thinks, a sappy smile curling across his lips. and then, his eyes widen and his mouth drops slightly in horror; what on earth had gotten into him? he tries to vehemently deny it, josh oblivious at his side to his own personal mental crisis as he tries to convince himself that he doesn’t _love_ him. he just likes josh a hell of a lot, that’s all, nothing more and nothing less – he’s just overwhelmed with his feelings and not seeing things straight, is it.

they halt, suddenly, and he realizes that they’ve stopped at the hotel door; josh pulls the keycard from where it’s wrapped securely in a towel to avoid water damage and unlocks the door, calling over his shoulder, “dibs on first shower!”

he half wants to invite tyler in with him, but given the day’s events, that probably wouldn’t blow over very well.

tyler’s left alone in the room with his thoughts as josh collects his suitcase and locks the bathroom door behind him.


	14. your precious heart was torn apart by me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "fate. it seems to be fate."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a bit shorter but important
> 
> (title - stray heart by green day)

a low heat curls through josh’s gut and he sighs as he flicks the lock behind him on the bathroom door; he leans heavily against the doorframe, for a second, trying to collect his scattered thoughts.

he doesn’t want to touch himself to the thought of tyler. he doesn’t know how that makes himself feel, doesn’t know how he would react, and he was too shy for josh to even consider or entertain the idea of bringing it up.

for christ’s sake, he nearly had a panic attack over taking his shirt off in front of him at the pool. what was josh going to do? walk up to him and say _hey, tyler, i really like you and you turn me on beyond belief, is it okay if i jerk off to you in the shower?_

not happening, ever. he doesn’t have the guts or the bravado to say that to anyone, especially someone as sweet as his boyfriend.

his face burns at the thought of it. he’s still leaned against the door; he pushes himself up and tugs off his shirt, ignores the way it sticks to his skin.

the way tyler’s shirt had stuck to him, water dripping down his throat in streams –

jesus, josh, get a _hold_ on yourself. he slides off his trunks and lets them hit the ground behind him, forces away all thought about what it would be like to slide tyler out of his. they’d been so big on him, so low on his hips, and josh could see his happy trail perfectly –

hold it together, josh. he shakes his head near-violently to clear his thoughts, yanking back the shower curtain and turning the tap on all the way to cold; it’s sad, the fact that he’s nearly gotten used to freezing cold showers. the shit tyler does to him, and he doesn’t even know it. he’s clueless.

he places himself under the stream and his skin twitches at the sudden invasion of cold; he hisses between his teeth, stands directly under the flow of water and thinks of disgusting things to will away his boner.

it doesn’t work. he keeps remembering how tyler looked without his shirt on, _with_ his shirt on, plastered to his skin; every inch of tan skin, every dip and every curve and every freckle. everything. he wants to memorize every bit of him, map him with his hands and his teeth and his tongue, learn every way to make him squirm just right and moan so loud and squeal out josh’s name.

he swears underneath his breath, yanks up the temperature on the water so he doesn’t catch a cold and wraps a hand around his cock. he bites back a groan, shudders as he pumps once, thinks about what tyler would look like on his back; legs spread, thighs open as josh slides between them, dipping to kiss him.

he thinks about the way he would moan as he slides his hand down to his base, squeezing; he bets he’s loud in bed, bets if josh fucks him the right way he can get him to scream as he comes. he claps his free hand over his mouth and stifles his moans, helplessly bucking up into his hand as he imagines tyler squirming as josh thrusts into him, thighs quivering as he tips his head back and moans obscenely, lips parted and slick with spit.

oh, god, he bets tyler’s so _loud_ when he comes; shouting his name as he spills all over his stomach, whimpering as josh continues to thrust into him, whining in oversensitivity. it’s the thought of tyler dragging a hand through the mess on his stomach and licking at his palm that tips josh over the edge – he gasps out, hips rolling into his palm as he works himself through his orgasm.

he washes his hand off in the spray as soon as his vision clears, hanging his head in dejection. he’d done the exact opposite of what he intended to, and he’s on the brink of sending himself into a crisis over the specifics of their relationship.

in the other room, as josh showers, tyler’s having a crisis all of his own.

he’s pacing from wall to wall, head in his hands, vice grip locked in his hair; he’s brimming with anxiety, nearly tripping over his own feet as he tries his best not to succumb to another near-panic attack.

he’s in love with someone. not just someone, not anyone, no – god, he’s in love with josh, and god, he is so _fucked_.

how can he be in love with him? he’s only known him for such a short period of time yet he’s fallen so fast, fallen so deep and he’s so fucked – he’s not in love, he tries to convince himself.

not in love with him, no, just in love with the way he makes him feel.

 _that’s it,_ he desperately tries to rationalize with himself, hands tightening in his hair; he’s not in love with josh, no, just in love with how he feels when he’s around him. he likes him on a romantic level, but there’s a wide stretch between _liking_ someone and actually physically, mentally, emotionally being _in_ _love_ with someone.

he’s not in love. to some extent, he does love josh, with his wide, toothy smile and bubbly, bright laugh and all of the features of his face that fit together to create something so immaculately beautiful, but it runs deeper than physicality. josh was attractive, and beautiful, and handsome, and everything, but that wasn’t _why_ tyler loved him. tyler loved him for his soul, and for his personality, and for his spirit – he was amazing, with his diehard, never give up attitude.

fuck, fuck, fuck. tyler is in love with him. he’s so in love with him it can’t even begin to be funny.

he spins in an agitated circle, tightening his hands in his hair and tugging. josh probably doesn’t even love him back; it’s obvious that he likes him, but there’s no way he loved him. tyler was losing his fucking mind over this boy, and he probably wouldn’t ever be nearly in as deep as him.

the shower shuts off in the background, and tyler wants to punch himself in the face. he sits on the edge of the bed, head in his hands as he tries to will himself to be normal before josh comes out.

miraculously, he manages, and is just gathering up his bag to go and take his own shower when the door opens. josh emerges in a puff of steam, shirtless in only a pair of dark grey sweats, skin glistening with water and flushed red.

tyler’s eyes widen involuntarily, and he hurriedly shoves past josh, nearly slamming the door closed behind himself in his haste. he strips his shirt off and shoves josh’s trunks down his thighs, stumbling over to the shower and enclosing himself in the space as he turns the water on lukewarm.

it pours down his body and he feels less frenzied, more calm. he can deal with this. he’s never dealt with it before but life’s been throwing a lot of things his way that he had to push his way through; it’s just another test of his sanity, he supposes. how far can he bend before he breaks?

he runs his hands through his hair in agitation, slides his eyes closed and focuses on the patter of water rushing down his back. the water pressure in the hotel sucks, but it’s nice for calming his irritated nerves, soothing the frayed edges of his mind; he breathes in deep, feels his chest expand and deflate.

he loves josh.

and there’s nothing wrong with that, is there? being in love with someone? no. there’s nothing wrong with being in love with someone.

why does he feel so wrong for being in love with someone, then? being in love josh?

he presses his palms against his eyelids and heaves another heavy sigh. _you’re not in love_ , he tries to convince himself once again. _you just love the way he makes you feel._

and there’s something wrong with that, confusing loving the way someone makes him feel for being in love with someone. there’s a deep ache within himself that tells him he knows he’s wrong, but he ignores it.

he ignores it for the entire ten minutes it takes him to shower while attempting to convince himself that there’s no possible way he could be in love with josh.

the tap begins running cold and he hurriedly shuts it off, blinking droplets of water from his eyes; he blindly gropes along the wall for a towel and his fingers meet soft fabric. jackpot.

he gives himself a quick pat down, wraps it around his waist and moves over to his backpack; he digs through it, trying to find a comfortable shirt to sleep in. he pulls out a clean pair of boxers and sets them on the counter, continuing to rifle through his bag. finally, he finds a shirt and yanks it out before it can disappear on him.

but he doesn’t recognize the shirt; it’s a plain grey fabric, too big for him to wear out without getting self-conscious.

some of josh’s laundry must’ve gotten caught up in his bag. now that he thinks about it, he doesn’t even recall josh sorting their clothes out in the laundromat – just piling it in at random, most likely on purpose so that something like this would occur.

he smiles softly to himself, holds it in his hands for a brief, near reluctant second before he tugs it on over his chest, avoiding his eyes in the mirror. it hangs loose around his thighs, nearly swallows him up entirely, but it’s unbelievably comfortable; he can see why josh would wear it. he pulls on his boxers and takes in a deep breath, finally looking at himself in the mirror.

the shirt covers almost up the entirety of the boxers he’s wearing; from certain angles, it looks like it’s the _only_ thing he’s wearing. he sighs, smoothes out the front of it before nodding slightly to himself.

what could go wrong? it’s just a shirt. josh would probably like the fact that he’s wearing his clothes. from the little he knows about actual relationships aside from what he’s experienced in his own, people like it when their significant others wear their clothes.

josh shouldn’t be any different, hopefully.

he piles away his dirty clothes back into the bag and picks up his wet ones from the floor, leaving them in the sink to dry along with the towel. he flicks out the light and opens the door, pausing in the doorway out of fright and hesitation; maybe it’s not too late to change –

“is that my shirt?” josh asks. fuck.

he’s sprawled out across the bed on his back, legs crossed, phone in hand as he looks him over. tyler shifts uneasily, thinking for a second josh might not like the idea as much as tyler thought he would. “yes,” he admits, thighs crossing nervously under the fabric. “found it in my bag.”

josh laughs, dissolving the tension in the air; tyler smiles, standing up a little taller.

“you look good,” he finally murmurs, eyes dark as they trail over tyler’s frame. his skin burns with self-consciousness; he tries fruitlessly to remind himself that it’s just josh, that he has nothing to be insecure about. josh thinks he’s _beautiful_. “come here.”

“ooh, bossy,” tyler jokes, but he moves toward him, falling backwards onto the mattress and stretching out his arms above his head to twist his fingers in the clean, white sheets.

“you should wear my clothes more often.” he finally voices what’s been on his mind for days as he puts his phone on the nightstand, giving tyler all of his undivided attention; he pushes himself up into a sitting position before nudging tyler’s knees apart with his hands, sliding between his thighs and innocently resting his chin on his lower stomach.

“what are you doing?” tyler questions, swallowing down the urge to flee. josh doesn’t mean him any harm. nerves rock deep in his stomach as josh blinks at him through lazily hooded eyes; he shifts, slightly, chin digging into the skin of tyler’s stomach.

tyler reaches up and slides his hand over his scalp, tangling his fingers in his hair. his breath hitches as josh hikes up his shirt a little, exposing his skin. “josh,” he says, a waver of hesitation to his voice.

“tyler, do you trust me?” josh’s voice is calm, steady. everything tyler’s heart rate is not.

he quiets himself and closes his eyes, nodding slightly to agree, and to give him permission to do whatever he’s about to; he jolts when a soft kiss is pressed right over his navel, his toes curling inward in response. the stubble on josh’s face scrapes against his belly and he wrinkles his nose, wriggling his hips slightly.

“my beautiful boy,” he murmurs, and when the words leave his lips they’re soft, nearly inaudible. tyler wouldn’t even have known he’d said anything if it wasn’t for his words being spoken against his skin, josh’s lips tracing gentle patterns over his abdomen. another light kiss, followed by another pressed above his bellybutton.

his hands coax around the curve of his thighs, just under the hem of his boxers; it’s a little too high up for his liking, and he squirms uneasily. josh seems to get the hint, slides his hands lower until they curl just above his knees, kissing apologetically over his stomach. he kisses over his stomach again in soft movements, nudging his nose over his skin.

judging by where he’s laying, tyler’s probably getting a pretty good view of him between his legs; he raises his eyes and his are closed, head tilted back, relaxed. his thumb rolls over josh’s scalp, chest rising and falling in time with his breathing.

“you know,” he mumbles, lifting his lips from tyler’s skin; his eyes flicker open and he looks down the bridge of his nose at josh to show he’s listening. “i could totally blow you right now.”

the corner of his lip tugs up into a wicked smirk to show he’s just joking; tyler feels a flush rise up from his chest into his cheeks faster than anything he’s ever felt before in his entire life and he involuntarily lets out a small noise in the back of his throat, hand tightening in josh’s hair.

“tyler,” josh says, voice edging into a laugh as he rubs circles into his thighs. “you’re awfully red, baby. what’s got you so embarrassed?”

no response, other than the sound of tyler’s throat clicking as he swallows; josh breaks his gaze away from his face to glance at the tent beginning to form in his boxers. he pauses, nearly surprised, before asking hesitantly, “do you want me to?”

“no.” his answer is immediate and sharp; josh pulls away from him, sitting up on the bed. “i’m sorry – i just can’t do this. not right now. i’m sorry.”

“wait, no reason to be sorry. it’s okay. we don’t have to do anything if it makes you uncomfortable.” he pauses, shifts slightly before laying down on tyler’s left side, resituating himself. “d’you just wanna cuddle?”

his face is still beet red when he nods, rolling onto his side and slotting himself against josh’s chest; his arm wraps around his middle, tugging him closer as lips rest against his forehead. “i’m sorry,” josh says, tugging his head back enough to look tyler in the eye. “i should’ve made sure you were okay before i did anything.”

“josh, it’s fine,” tyler murmurs, because it is; he attempts a smile, sliding his shin along josh’s. “you stopped when i said no. that’s all i want.”

he wants to disagree, insist that he went too far yet again, but he bites it back and smiles at tyler adoringly. “i’m so lucky to have you,” he says, because he is, kissing the space between his eyebrows.

“i’m really lucky to have you.” he’s lucky he ended up with josh, not someone who can’t respect the word ‘no’ or doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries. he just wishes he could man up a little more, be enough for josh, give him what he wants.

almost as if he can hear the gears clicking in his head, josh inhales softly and begins, “one day we can try again, okay? tonight’s not the right time.”

tyler nearly apologizes for not being ready soon enough, but he merely cuddles into josh’s embrace and sighs regretfully. “okay. one day.”

“don’t beat yourself up over it, baby. you did the right thing.”

he wonders how he got so lucky. he kisses the dip between josh’s collarbone, slides a thigh between his legs and closes his eyes. “you’re so perfect. how’d i get so lucky?”

“i keep asking myself the same thing,” josh admits, the hint of a smile to his voice as he hugs tyler gently. “seems like the universe wanted us to be together.”

fate. it seems to be fate. tyler always hated the idea of fate, hated the idea of being out of control of where his life was heading, hated the idea of not having an inclination of where he was supposed to end up. he still does hate the idea that they all have predestined futures he can’t sway no matter how hard he tries, but this is josh. he’ll learn to love fate if it meant it brought him josh and let him keep him.

he breathes a little shallower, relaxes more into josh’s arms; his lips part and his breathing tickles the skin of josh’s throat as he rubs a hand over the expanse of his shoulders. if he presses a little, he can feel the knobs of his spine underneath his palm. “i love you,” he murmurs, and it doesn’t even surprise him anymore.

he’s in love.


	15. take you like a drug (i taste you on my tongue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "morning light peeks in through the cracks in the blinds, throwing long shadows over the room; they’re bathed in a soft light of pink that is slowly fading into a bright gold as the sun rises, and it’s peaceful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS FOR STICKING AROUND FOR FIFTEEN CHAPTERS  
> THERE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL IN THIS ONE JUST FOR YOU GUYS
> 
> (title - daddy issues by the neighborhood)

josh remembers, once, when he was younger, reading a romance novel he’d found in his sister’s room.

it was, quite possibly, among the stupider things he’d ever read in his entire life; the plot was a mess, and the girl in the story was beyond ridiculous when it came down to it all. but, alas, no matter how stupid he’d found it, there was always a key moment in the book which had stood out to him and stuck with him.

mostly because he’d thought it was creepy, at first. it had been the two main characters, after they’d fallen in love, sleeping in bed together – the big, rough and tough macho guy who was too rugged for a sensitive side of any size, holding his girlfriend in his arms and watching her sleep. he remembers how he’d immediately thought ‘wow, that’s insanely creepy and strange’ because who on earth watches their significant other when they’re asleep?

but now, it makes sense.

it makes so much sense, because he’s in love, watching the one he loves sleep in his arms. it’s the most peaceful tyler’s ever been in the entirety of the time they’ve spent together; no tears, no anger, no fear. just the calm rise and fall of his chest as he breathes, the tickle of his breath against josh’s throat, the way his shirt is slightly ridden up over his stomach and exposing a smooth strip of skin.

it’s barely eight thirty by the time he falls asleep, eyelashes fluttering like butterfly’s wings over cheeks dusted pink from embarrassment that hadn’t quite faded away from his skin yet. he uses the arm resting on tyler’s waist to fix his shirt, tug it back down toward his thighs, before returning it to wrap around his waist. tyler makes a soft noise in his sleep, tucks his face closer to josh’s chest, and his nose is freezing cold when it presses to his bare skin.

his heartbeat is steady, calm, and it lulls josh to an equally as peaceful sleep.

+

morning light peeks in through the cracks in the blinds, throwing long shadows over the room; they’re bathed in a soft light of pink that is slowly fading into a bright gold as the sun rises, and it’s peaceful.

it’s quiet, except for their breathing; josh wakes up gradually, shifting his muscles and stretching his fingers out where his hands are held behind tyler’s back. one of his arms is pinned under his neck as he sleeps, the other sprawled over his hip. their legs are tangled beneath the sheets, shins crossed, and when josh shifts slightly, tyler sighs, tangles his fingers in his hair and pulls his head closer so he doesn’t leave.

he grunts, softly, eyes sliding back closed as he tries to convince himself to go back to sleep for just a while longer; or at least until tyler wakes up. he moves his knee up, tucking it closer to his chest, and the top of it brushes against something hard. he glances down, curious, seeing nothing more than the very prominent bulge in tyler’s boxers where his shirt has ridden up again.

fantastic.

he sighs heavily, doesn’t even bother moving his knee; tyler whimpers in his sleep, and his head turns to look at him. his face is flushed, eyes closed, lips parted; he’s stunning, even when he’s asleep, and he takes josh’s breath away no matter what he’s doing.

he shifts closer, moves his knee down and tugs tyler closer into his hold to help fight away what he presumes is a nightmare. instead, tyler presses his crotch up to his hip with another tiny whimper.

oh.

he sighs, rolls his hips up against josh’s hip; his eyelashes flutter over his cheeks, the faint blush of pink spreading over his nose growing darker as he makes another tiny noise, hips subconsciously moving up to rub on josh.

josh sighs, shifts ever so slightly and slots his knee between tyler’s closed thighs; he immediately lets out a soft moan at the friction, rolling his hips over the new source, and josh huffs a breathless laugh.

he feels himself getting hard so quick his vision swims, as tyler rocks his hips against him, breathing growing heavy and erratic; josh feels unbelievably dirty, watching as he gets off in his sleep, but it’s also one of the most amazing things he’s ever seen. it’s a memory he knows he’ll probably be jerking off to in the shower for the next few months to come.

tyler’s pretty pink lips part and a slight amount of saliva leaks out the corner of his mouth, wetting his lips when he moans, tiny and delicate; his fingers cinch in the fabric of josh’s t-shirt, tugging as he thrusts a little more enthusiastically against his knee.

he lets it happen for a second more before he decides that he _really_ needs to use the bathroom. the sound tyler makes when he shifts slightly, knee pressing up into his crotch, makes his blood boil.

“ty,” josh murmurs softly as tyler shallowly thrusts against him, carding a hand through his hair and scraping his nails gently over his scalp. “wake up, baby.”

it takes a little coaxing, voice soft and gentle, before tyler’s big doe eyes blink open; he looks blearily at josh, more focused on the heat pooling in his groin and the wet patch in his boxers. he glances down, confused, watching as his own hips rock against josh’s knee, pinned between his thighs; he swallows, not daring to raise his eyes back to josh’s.

“it’s okay,” josh’s voice is steady, calm, but tyler keeps looking as his hips roll over his knee. it’s a shocker to see that josh is hard, too, tenting his boxers in the most obscene way imaginable; he lets out a breathy sigh, trying to convince his hips to stop _moving_. with a little bit of difficulty, he manages to get them to still. “shit happens.”

“mm,” tyler makes an unconvincing noise, tries to tear his gaze away from the sight of josh’s bulge, but it’s useless. he wants josh’s hands all over him, his lips on his throat, wants to hear the way he sounds when he moans, but he doesn’t dare ask; his face glows bright red as he swallows once more, tries to pull away from josh despite how much he wants to stay glued to him forever.

josh’s hand firmly placed on his waist halts his movements. “tyler,” he begins slowly, caresses the hand in his hair over his scalp comfortingly. “do you want me to touch you?”

the thought of josh’s hand wrapped around his cock makes heat pool low in his stomach; his face burns and he lets out a low type of noise as he finally raises his eyes to meet josh’s. they’re wide open, clear and concerned; he shifts his knee, jostles tyler around, and he moans as he tightens his thighs around his knee instinctively. it’s all he wants, in the current moment, and he chokes down his fear and holds josh’s gaze when he shyly murmurs, “please.”

josh quirks up an eyebrow, massages his scalp with his fingertips. “are you sure?” he asks, squeezing his hip. “we don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“josh, please,” tyler hurriedly whimpers, rocks his hips against his thigh; he sighs, eyes fluttering shut for a moment before they flicker back open. “please, touch me.”

“hey, it’s okay,” josh soothes, grins easily out of excitement at the prospect of finally getting to _touch_ him; he slides the hand from over his hip down to gently press against the tent in his boxers; tyler gasps, entire body quivering as he gently cups him in his hand. “just making sure, baby doll.”

“oh, god –“ tyler chokes out, pushes himself eagerly up into his palm as he lets out another gasp. “josh, please –“

“tyler, honey, i’ve got you,” he breathes out, squeezing his hand; as an afterthought, he presses his knee up against his crotch and breathlessly laughs when tyler lets out a slow, high moan. “there you go. let me hear you.”

he shudders at josh’s words, shakes into his open palm as he grinds his hand against his clothed cock. it reduces him to liquid when his fingers find his tip through his boxers; he gasps, pressing his face close up to josh’s throat as he lets out an embarrassed whine at all the noise he’s making.

josh simply presses a kiss to the top of his head, palms him a little rougher and allows him to rock himself against his knee; another sharp moan drips past his lips like honey, fading into a duller whine as josh squeezes his fingers around the outline of his dick.

the tackiness of pre-come spreads into the fabric of his boxers, slicks up his cock; he breathlessly mumbles josh’s name over and over like a prayer, and josh giggles, dips his head to pepper kisses over his burning cheeks. he thrusts his cock into his hand, grinds down against his knee, and suddenly he’s gasping as an explosion of blistering heat rolls through his groin.

“oh, oh, _ah_ ,” he gasps, presses harder into josh’s hand. “oh, god, _josh_ , ple- _ease_ –“

“so responsive,” josh hums, rolls his palm and presses his knee up into his cock. “c’mon, sugar, come for me.”

the words are filthy coming from josh, but it does just the trick; another wave of heat boils through his stomach, sets his nerves aflame and suddenly he’s gasping out, “ _fuck_ –“ as he comes.

josh kisses him, swallowing up the remainder of his shaking moaning as he pants against his lips, hips rolling of their own accord into his hand, toes curling and fingers spasming; he squeezes his eyes shut, gasping out josh’s name in a near-staccato pitch as wetness spreads through his boxers and the last spurts of come run down his cock.

quite frankly, it’s disgusting, but he’s beyond sated when he finally comes down from his high and blinks open his eyes. josh is staring right at him, smiling smugly, eyes shining; he presses their noses together and sighs, “you’re pretty when you come.”

“josh, that’s gross,” tyler whines, shuffling backwards and frowning; josh laughs, retracts his knee from between his thighs and wipes his hand off on the sheets.

“it’s just the truth, baby, nothing gross about it.” he places his hand back on tyler’s hip and leans in, pressing kisses over his forehead.

tyler huffs, leans into his touch. “can we go back to bed?”

“mm. you can, baby, but i need to take care of something, first.”

tyler’s face burns at the implication in his tone and face; he grins, laughs as he pecks the tip of tyler’s nose. “it’s fine. i’ll be out in a minute and i’ll cuddle you. deal?”

“deal,” he murmurs, smiling as josh kisses his forehead once before pulling away; he half thinks he should change, because his come is starting to dry in his boxers and it’s gross, but the covers are so warm and inviting and his eyelids feel so _heavy_. josh leaves the bed and his eyes slide closed like they’re weighted.

he hadn’t even realized how tired he was until everything hits him all at once like a freight train. five more minutes isn’t going to hurt anyone.

he lets himself slip under.

only to be startled awake god knows how much longer by josh sliding underneath the blankets; he smells clean, like hotel shampoo, and his bare chest is wet when tyler lays a hand on it, feeling his skin radiate heat underneath his palm.

“you showered,” he murmurs sleepily, rolling himself closer. he puts a hand on josh’s shoulder and blinks at him through gritty eyes; he’s smiling as he slides an arm around tyler’s middle, laying his hand flat on his lower back.

“mhm. go back to bed, sweetheart.”

tyler smiles at the nickname, burrows his face against his chest; he pulls away slightly as his nose hits the wet surface, smile dissipating into a frown. “you’re _wet_. did you even dry off?”

josh looks mildly amused when tyler glances up at his face. he shrugs as best he can while laying down. “kinda.”

“you’re a monster. you got the sheets all wet.” tyler rolls away from him, sprawling out on his stomach underneath the covers.

“i’m dry enough,” josh complains. “come back and cuddle me.” tyler makes no movement. “please?”

“you’re all wet,” he finally murmurs, voice muffled by the mattress.

josh pulls himself up enough to sit up, before moving to hover over tyler’s frame; he collapses onto his back, grappling arms around his waist and pinning him against the bed. he shrieks in surprise, wriggling uselessly as josh tugs him into a hug. “josh!” he groans sharply, pushing against his chest, but his hold doesn’t budge. “you’re getting me _wet_!”

“that’s what she said,” he chirps pleasantly next to tyler’s ear.

“you’re _disgusting_.” he wiggles some more before giving up, huffing and relaxing into josh’s bone-crushing hug. he tilts his chin up, gaze agitated, and josh laughs at him.

“you’re adorable when you try to be angry,” he compliments, using one of his hands to brush hair off of his forehead while the other remains around his waist. he twines his fingers through his hair, smiling brightly down at him.

“shut up.” he glowers some more; josh runs his fingers up his side, dips his head and presses their foreheads together. tyler’s angered façade immediately melts away, and he tips his chin up to press their lips together, sweet and slow. he pulls back to giggle, cupping his jaw, and josh’s grin only brightens as he chases his lips, pressing his tongue flat against his bottom lip.

he opens his mouth instantly, a wry smile tugging at his lips as josh dips his tongue into his mouth, licking behind his front teeth; it’s a strange, foreign feeling that makes his gut twist up, but he doesn’t mind it. he tugs at the gauged lobe of josh’s ear, sticking the tip of his index through it once more as they exchange each other’s air. tyler sucks down josh’s breaths like his last lifeline; and they may as well be, just by the way he’s nipping at josh’s bottom lip and lapping at his tongue.

“you know what,” tyler murmurs as they separate, lips pink and almost swollen up. a thin trail of saliva connects between their lips, severed when tyler flits his tongue out to lick his lips. “we should go swimming.”

“ty, i just showered,” josh sighs, eyebrows furrowing, but he’s not entirely opposed to the idea.

they find themselves at the pool five minutes later, dressed in their still-wet clothes from the night before; tyler doesn’t even hesitate to rip his shirt off, this time, just tears it off and slings it over the back of the chair. josh smiles fondly at him as he tugs his own shirt over his head and places it on top of tyler’s; he takes a running leap toward the pool and cannonballs, as tyler squeaks in fright.

“those signs exist for a reason, j,” he groans as soon as his head surfaces from under water, pointing at the ‘no running’ signs plastered all over the wall. “what if you slipped and hit your head?”

“don’t know,” josh sighs, wades through the water and props his arms up on the edge of the pool. “come swim with me.”

“if you promise to stop running,” he chides as he sticks his feet in the water, sitting on the edge and dangling his legs. it reminds josh eerily of the previous night as he hooks his arms around tyler’s calves, kissing his knee.

“you’re no fun.” he lifts himself up on his tip-toes, reaching up to cup tyler’s face. “kiss me and i’ll think about it.”

tyler huffs, even as he’s leaning down to press his lips softly against josh’s. it barely lasts a second before he’s pulling back, grinning. “now promise me.”

“i promise i’ll stop running,” josh lies through his teeth, and tyler rolls his eyes.

“you don’t even mean it.” he smacks josh’s shoulder when he shrugs, touch light. “if you fall, i’m not taking you to the hospital.”

“as if i could afford the trip.”

another sigh, as tyler pushes himself into the water and latches his arms around josh’s shoulders. “carry me.”

“of course, princess,” josh rolls his eyes, and tyler laughs, hooks his legs up around josh’s waist and presses his hands against his chest.

“your princess,” tyler smiles cheekily, tongue poking out between his crooked teeth.

“my beautiful princess.” he admires the blush that spreads into tyler’s cheeks at his words, dips his head to nuzzle against his throat as his arms tighten where they’re wrapped around his hips. he kisses his collarbone, smirks when he feels tyler shudder. “aren’t you?”

“yes,” tyler laughs, hugs him tighter. “all yours.”

josh does a quick lap around the pool, spinning tyler around in his arms every now and then before leaning him against the edge of the pool. “we should probably shower and head out soon,” josh sighs, putting his hands on tyler’s hips and tucking his head onto his shoulder. then, patronizingly, “i have to take _another_ shower.”

“oh, stop complaining,” tyler murmurs as he winds a hand through his hair. “we’re having fun, that’s all that matters.”

“whatever.” josh tugs himself out of his grasp, clambering out of the pool. he pauses, looks over his shoulder and adds, “you could join me?”

“nice try,” tyler sighs, blushing slightly. “i let you get me off _one_ time and you think you can corrupt my innocence. no thanks, joshie.”

“ah, worth it,” he shrugs, bats his eyelashes and extends a hand to help him out of the pool. “wanna get breakfast before we head out?”

“yes. i’m starving.”

they collect their things and dry off some; josh is still dripping wet as they walk down the hall, hands swinging between their bodies.


	16. the things that make you feel at ease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "it’s raining outside."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one took so long
> 
> listen to this while you're reading bc it's important to this chapter  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4povfmX144

it’s raining outside.

raining doesn’t seem to be the appropriate term, in tyler’s eyes; torrential downpour seems more fitting.

he’s curled up in the hotel bed in boxers and one of josh’s huge sweatshirts, wet hair leaking onto the pillows, freshly showered; the smell of chlorine still lingers on his skin, and he’s waiting for josh to get out of the shower, too frightened to be able to doze off.

storms are ridiculous.

his fear of them is even more ridiculous. he jumps at every thunderclap or sound of lightning, and he’s a shivering mess, head pulled under the covers as he hopes for the tide to wane even just the slightest bit.

but it never does.

it only gets louder and he shivers and quakes and squeaks to himself until the bathroom door creaks open; he pops his head above the covers to watch as josh ruffles his hair out with a towel, slinging it over the door handle.

“hi, princess,” he greets, smiling. tyler grins back, ducking underneath the covers once more; footsteps fall softly on the carpeted ground as josh crosses to the window.

the hooks slide against the rod as josh pulls back the curtains.

he huffs a sigh. “guess we’re not driving anywhere,” he remarks; tyler pokes his head out from underneath the covers to watch the rain pour down outside, squeaking in surprise only a second later when a loud clap of thunder cuts through the air. he pulls the blanket back up over his head, hiding his blushing, embarrassed face from josh and subsequently shielding himself from the thunder.

surprised, josh looks over at the lump on the bed that used to be tyler; he quirks an eyebrow before it dawns on him that he’s acting just like his youngest sister. she was _terrified_ of the rain, and it looked like tyler wasn’t any different.

“ty, are you scared of storms?” he asks, and his tone is gentle as opposed to teasing.

the lump on the bed moves some; tyler’s eyes poke out above the covers and he nods, shakily, only to disappear two seconds later at the sound of more thunder.

josh hums, tries to remember what he used to do for his sister when it would storm so bad back when he lived at home; he crosses to the bed and pulls the covers back some to reveal a quivering tyler. he slips under next to his quaking frame and rearranges himself until he’s comfortable, before sliding an arm around his waist and murmuring, “c’mere, baby.”

tyler immediately rolls over to face him, attaching himself to his chest and sighing as josh’s warmth envelops him; he makes a tiny, happy noise as he burrows his face against his throat, but it dissolves into a surprised squeak as another clap of thunder breaks through the air.

“shh,” josh hums, slipping his free arm behind his head and carding his fingers lovingly through his hair. “it’s just a storm, baby doll.”

“ _just_ a storm,” tyler huffs disdainfully, clutching fistfuls of josh’s t-shirt between his hands as he shakes nervously. granted, he feels more at ease with josh next to him, holding him up to his chest, but he’s still frightened; lightning crackles and he bites back a squeal, buries his face against josh’s throat as he tries to convince himself that he’s _fine_.

“my sister is scared of storms, too,” josh mumbles offhandedly, weaving stocky fingers through the wet mess that makes up tyler’s hair at the current moment.

it’s one of the first times he’s ever spoken about his family. sure, there were bits and pieces here and there when they were driving or stopped somewhere for gas and food; things like ‘oh, abbey would love this’ when he saw something in a gas station or ‘jordan used to love this song’ to a song on the radio or ‘ashley used to say something like that’ in response to tyler’s babbles.

they were few and far between, but tyler treasured them, because this was josh’s way of opening up about his family; reminiscing about his siblings, never talking about his mother or his father.

tyler doesn’t dare blame him for not talking about his abusers.

god knows he can’t even bring himself to talk about his father. he can’t tell josh about the scars that litter his stomach and arms and thighs, self-inflicted or otherwise. it’s a past he doesn’t ever want to delve into again, not when he’s found himself; not when he’s found where he belongs, a place in josh’s arms that feels like home.

“which sister?” tyler murmurs, gathers the courage to swallow down his fear and tilt his chin up; josh’s honey-glazed eyes meet his, and there’s a sad smile twitching at the corner of his lips.

“abbey.” a brief pause as josh swallows, heaves in a deep breath. he misses his sisters and his brother so much sometimes that he _aches_ , deep within himself. he knows it’s likely he’ll never see them again, and he has no way to contact them, to tell them he’s been doing just fine; that he’s alive, he made it, out here in the big, scary world. that he found someone to fall in love with just like abbey always said he would (because life was just a big fairytale to her spirited soul), that someone loved him back.

she would have loved tyler. he fights the urge to cry in favor or pulling tyler closer against his chest; his hand rests on josh’s hip and he gently lifts his head up some, lips pressing soft against his chin.

“josh,” he murmurs, and his eyes are so big, so earnest when josh looks into them; he feels like he’s falling, for a second. or drowning. either sounds so very appealing. “are you okay?”

he hums, dipping his head to press their foreheads together. “i just miss them so much sometimes.”

“oh, j.” tyler moves his hand from his hip to cup his jaw, brushing his thumb over his cheekbone; there’s a concerned furrow in his brow, a slight quiver to his lip. “i’m so sorry.”

“it’s fine, ty.” he gently kisses the quiver away, and tyler sighs gratefully against his lips; he pulls back, feeling a certain heaviness settle deep within the pit of his stomach. there’s a crackle of thunder in the distance, followed by the crash of lightning, and tyler’s fingers instinctively tighten where they’re clutching a vice grip at the front of his shirt. he lets out a tiny whimper, eyes squeezed shut, and josh presses him as close as he can get him.

as soon as tyler’s eyes creak open, a hesitant movement, josh presses their foreheads back together and whispers, “i used to sing abbey to sleep when it would rain like this.”

tyler blinks slowly, before a tired smile graces his features; josh can’t help but smile back at him, rubbing circles into the skin of his hip just under the hem of the sweatshirt draped over his shaking frame. “really?”

“yeah.” his eyes shine with unshed tears; it lasts for only a second before he blinks, and the shine disappears, but tyler hangs onto the image helplessly. “i’d pick songs she grew up with, sing ‘em until she fell asleep.”

he tucks his head underneath josh’s chin and breathes him in, pauses to kiss his throat. “you’re so sweet, j.”

“baby boy, that’s all you,” josh replies breezily, nosing through tyler’s hair sweetly. he clears his throat and tyler expects him to say more, but instead, to tyler’s surprise and delight, he begins quietly singing. _broken bottles in the hotel lobby; seems to me like i'm just scared of never feeling it again._

his voice is soft, with just the tiniest bit of a hoarse edge to it; he’s so gentle, timid, and it’s so different to the times he’s sang in the driver’s side of the pick-up alongside tyler. this time, it’s just him instead of them both shouting at the tops of their lungs, just his soft, quiet voice. it’s all of his raw emotion and love wrapped up into a few easy sentences; it’s so easy to tell that he’s shy, even uncertain of the lyrics as if he’s forgotten them, as he stumbles over his words once or twice but continues to sing.

_i know it's crazy to believe in silly things_

_but it's not that easy_

tyler’s heart melts when josh clears his throat, pausing to press his lips against tyler’s forehead before pulling back enough to whisper in the centimeter of space he has, _i remember it now; it takes me back to when it all first started, but i've only got myself to blame for it, and i accept it now._

it hits tyler all at once just how much he _likes_ josh, and his heart beats achingly fast as he presses his face against his throat. josh bites back a smile to keep on singing, voice wavering slightly.

_but i've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started_

_high hopes, when you let it go, go out and start again_

_high hopes, when it all comes to an end_

_but the world keeps spinning around_

another waver in his voice, and tyler chances a glance up; he stops, entirely, and his eyes are shiny with tears. he sniffles, pushing away from tyler slightly as he chokes out an apology.

“wait, j –“

he hurriedly tugs back to wipe away his tears, rolling onto his back and farther away from tyler; he’s murmuring broken apologies under his breath as he drags his palms underneath his eyes.

“josh, it’s okay –“

“no, it’s not.” he suddenly sits up, swinging his legs out of the bed, and tyler gapes at him for a moment before his shoulders sag and he mumbles in a voice thick with tears, “i’m not supposed to cry.”

“josh,” tyler says more hurriedly, fumbling out of the blankets to kneel by josh’s side; he reaches out to cup his face but he tugs away, shaking his head, and tyler falls back onto his knees, hands hanging in defeat. “it’s fine to cry, j.”

“tyler, you don’t understand.” he’s stopped crying, suddenly, but his palms are still pressed to his eyelids and his shoulders are still shaking slightly with the effort of quelling his tears.

“josh, i can’t even _begin_ to understand if you won’t tell me,” tyler’s voice takes on a desperate edge as he reaches out, laying his hand flat on josh’s thigh. “it’s fine to cry. i cry all the time. what’s wrong?”

“’m not s’posed to cry.” his words are muffled and thick. he clears his throat, shaking his head; he pulls one hand away from his face to push tyler’s hand away from him.

tyler leans back, dejected. “josh, you can cry, i don’t care.”

“i _do_ , tyler.”

“why are you so against –“

“tyler, it’s not _manly_ to cry –“

he pauses, cutting his own sentence off in its tracks as soon as he realizes what he’s said; his eyes blow wide, and tyler’s narrow in shock, mouth hanging ajar.

“oh, what, i’m not manly because i fucking cry?” tyler snaps, jaw slamming shut like its spring loaded; josh immediately backtracks, fumbling over his sentences in the midst of apologies. anger burns deep and hot within tyler’s eyes and he abruptly stands, stalking off toward the door. “save it. i don’t want to hear it,” he throws over his shoulder, and josh watches the frame of his retreating back.

the door opens and shuts with a slam that reverberates around the entire room behind him. josh sits back, shocked and angry at himself, but the door reopens two seconds later.

tyler shuts it behind himself, leaning up against the frame and huffing an agitated sigh. he’s blushing slightly, avoiding eye contact at all costs. “i’m not wearing any pants,” he finally mutters, and josh freezes in surprise, before bubbling over into laughter. tyler crosses his arms over his chest. “shut up. let’s solve this like adults.”

josh snorts, choking back his laughter. _adults_? josh has only been eighteen for two weeks and counting, and tyler’s younger than him by a year. “you’re seventeen –“

“shut the fuck up.” he’s still internally fuming, but he cracks a smile despite his own will at josh’s laughter. it definitely beats the crying.

“i’m sorry,” josh gets out between his laughter, shaking his head. “you’re cute when you’re angry.”

“and you act like a child when you’re angry,” tyler bites back, scathing, and that manages to get josh to stop laughing entirely. he huffs, pushes himself off the door and walks over to the edge of the bed. hesitantly, he sits down, putting a good amount of distance between them.

it’s silent.

tyler makes it rather obvious that he isn’t about to speak first, so josh heaves in a deep breath in preparation. “that used to be abbey’s favorite song,” he begins, and he sees the sharp line of tyler’s jaw soften from where he’s been gritting his teeth. “it struck a chord. i didn’t mean what i said –“

“you did,” tyler interrupts, crossing his arms again; he leans in slightly toward josh, raising an eyebrow. his eyes are hard, as opposed to the soft doe-like look they usually carry, and it reminds josh of just how much tyler has gone through despite his age. “i just want to know why. people don’t just _say_ shit like that, j. especially not you.”

“i know.” he leans back against the pillows and crosses his legs, closing his eyes. it’s a part of himself he doesn’t want to assuage ever again; the internalized part of him his father had beat into his brain. men weren’t supposed to cry. men were strong, men were dominant, men were never sensitive. they were _men_. there wasn’t any space for softness. crying was weakness. he reopens his eyes, blinking slightly; tyler’s still looking at him, but his eyes have softened back up into the doe-like look josh loves so much.

he winds a hand through his hair and shrugs. “my dad –“ he pauses, chewing on his bottom lip as he tries to find the right words; tyler inhales sharply. something’s not _right_. “used to hit me and stuff. kick me around.”

tyler rushes to make him feel comfortable, safe. he knew how hard it could be to talk about such serious things, especially abuse, and he didn’t want to push him further than he already _had_. sure, he’d done it unknowingly, but it was still obviously out of josh’s comfort zone. “josh, you don’t have to –“

“tyler, it’s fine,” josh interjects, reassures him with a tiny smile; it’s tight, but there, and tyler lets his guard done some. “i’m just sensitive. i used to cry a lot. my dad would hit me and tell me that it wasn’t okay for men to cry. wasn’t manly or whatever, that there was everything wrong with being sensitive, that there was something wrong with me.”

he chews on his lip again before he shrugs. “i hated myself for it. hated myself for crying at every little problem because i couldn’t figure out how to deal with it otherwise. and i guess i internalized a lot of what he said.”

tyler sighs, before uncrossing his arms; he crawls up the bed on his knees, nudging josh’s thighs apart and planting himself gracelessly on his chest. he curls his arms around his upper back, and josh sighs gratefully, winding his arms around his waist.

“sorry i’m an asshole,” tyler mumbles as he tucks his head into the crook of josh’s neck.

“sorry i’m a dick,” josh replies, and he smiles when tyler laughs. he kisses his temple softly, hugs him against his chest. tyler shuffles around, slotting his knee between josh’s thighs as he tries to get more comfortable; but josh suddenly groans against his hair, rolling his hips instinctively upwards. tyler freezes, eyes widening as he realizes what he’s done. a fine blush already begins creeping up into his cheeks and he clears his throat awkwardly.

josh’s hands tighten at his back, grabbing handfuls of his sweatshirt while he breathes stutteringly against his temple. “sorry –“

“it’s fine,” he cuts him off, turning his head to look josh in the eye as he curiously moves his knee. he snickers when josh turns pink, swallowing down another apology. tyler moves his hands up from his ribcage, one cupping josh’s jaw and the other pressing against his shoulder as he rocks his knee up into his groin. “feel good?”

josh’s head falls back against the pillows as he tries to squirm out of tyler’s reach. “tyler –“

“josh.” he rolls his knee again, smirks when josh whimpers, soft and unsure. “i’m sorry for being an asshole. let me make it up to you, okay?”

“you don’t have to –“

“but i _want_ to,” he persists, and josh raises his eyebrows. he really does; it’s new and unfamiliar territory, and he dives in head first, wading through the deep end without hesitation. he wants to explore without constraint, and who better to explore with than josh?

josh seems to be thinking the same thing. “god, when did you get like _this_?” he asks, and tyler shrugs, shifting around to a better angle and rutting his knee up softly. josh bites his lip, and tyler grins, moving his other hand from his shoulder to cup the other side of his face.

“maybe you shouldn’t have given me a handjob,” tyler jokes, allowing josh to greedily roll his hips against his knee. he keens softly in the back of his throat, and tyler slides his hands down from his face to curl around his throat.

he swallows, and his adam’s apple bobs against the pad of tyler’s thumb; he moves his own hips slightly, rubbing himself against josh’s thigh where his leg is trapped between his knees with a breathy sigh.

“i’m not sure if i regret it,” josh replies, voice husky as he presses his dick into tyler’s knee. he’s already half-hard, and the way tyler’s staring into his eyes isn’t helping anything; especially not when he rubs himself against his thigh again and his eyelids flutter when he lets out a tiny, sighing moan. “definitely don’t regret it.”

“mm.” tyler makes a quiet nose of agreement, pressing harder down against josh’s thigh and gyrating his hips in a circle; he gasps, suddenly, and josh groans lowly as he grinds steadily up and down against his knee, sound going straight to his dick. “m-me either.”

josh laughs at the slight hitch in his words; he shoves his hand underneath the hem of tyler’s sweatshirt and grabs his hips hard enough to leave bruises, tugging him down against his thigh to make him gasp. he rocks his own hips up and down to the same rhythm, grinding tyler down into him. every sound he makes drips from his lips like honey, and josh laps it up, tilting his head to press against his shoulder.

his eyes flutter shut, and he gets a particularly good thrust in against tyler’s knee; he moans, softly, attaching his lips to the bit of exposed skin where the collar of his sweatshirt has begun slipping down. he bites down softly, and tyler throws his head back, moaning louder as his hands tighten around josh’s throat. he laughs in delight at finding a good spot, running his tongue over the space to reduce tyler to a shaking mess on top of him.

he removes one of the hands around his throat to shove it between his legs, cupping himself through his boxers and greedily rolling up into his palm; he makes tiny, gasping noises, and josh lets out a more than embarrassing whimper. he can’t find it within himself to care much, too focused on rocking up to meet tyler’s thigh and chasing his own edge.

suddenly, tyler gasps, entire body stilling; his gasps drift into tiny pants and he shudders, head tilted back and lips parted as a sticky wetness spreads under his hand.

josh memorizes the sound of him gasping as he comes, using the last bit of energy he has to sink his teeth into the sweet spot at the junction of tyler’s shoulder. he mewls, writhing underneath his lips, and josh finally gives one more rocking thrust before he’s spilling in his jeans.

both of their eyes are closed, both gasping. tyler’s knee and crotch are both wet with come, and it’s disgusting, but he’s still coming down; his back is still arched, head still tilted back, lips still parted. josh’s teeth are still latched into his neck, and when he pulls off, he can taste blood. how hard did he _bite_?

“that was good,” josh mumbles, and it brings tyler back to earth. there’s a sting in his neck and he smiles when he remembers that there’ll be a perfect set of teeth prints marked into him later, for him to press his fingers into and trace around the outline; he nods shakily, sliding off of josh’s thigh and straightening out his sticky boxers.

“i’m gonna clean myself up,” he announces, voice slightly raspy; his feet hit the floor with a dull thud and he picks up his backpack before sliding into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

he doesn’t bother to lock it. he slides out of his messy underwear and uses the unstained part of them to clean himself up; he digs through his bag and finds a new, clean pair, along with some jeans.

the boxers are just slightly too big on his hips when he slides them on, and a pattern he doesn’t remember buying; must be josh’s. he smiles to himself as he does a little twirl in the mirror on his tiptoes. he looks cute in them, and he figures josh won’t even begin to mind once he sees him in them. he pauses, looking himself in the eye in the mirror.

 _when_. not _if_ josh sees him in them, no, _when_ josh sees him in them. his eyes light up with surprise. god, he really had changed, hadn’t he?

he shakes it off and collects his jeans; he pulls them on, finding that they _are_ blessedly his, and slides back outside, shoving his stained boxers into the backpack.

josh stands from where he’s sitting on the edge of the bed; he pauses before he moves into the bathroom to press a kiss to tyler’s cheek sweetly. “be right out,” he murmurs, sliding into the bathroom and closing the door; tyler stands, blinking, a pleasant feeling burning where josh’s lips touched his cheek.

he’s whipped.

he picks up various items from around the room while josh changes; complimentary shampoo and conditioner bottles, josh’s charger, and the keycards. he packs away josh’s charger and grabs his phone off the nightstand just as the bathroom door swings open.

“ready?” he asks, walking over to pick up his suitcase. tyler hands over his phone and the keycards, bending down slightly to kiss josh’s forehead before moving over to the door.

he has six missed calls and upwards of seven texts, all containing some variation of the f word.

“debby,” he huffs under his breath. “if i ever die, she’s going to have a heart attack.”

“call her back,” tyler advises, smirking when josh rolls his eyes.

“you mind checking us out?”

“no.” he takes back the keycards and slings his backpack over his shoulders. “make sure she doesn’t have a heart attack.”

“thank you.” he’s already dialing debby’s number.

she picks up within three rings.

 _i see i’m finally important enough for you to call back_ , she deadpans as soon as the line picks up.

“i was busy,” josh defends, hefting up his suitcase and locking the door behind him as he heads down through the hallway.

 _too busy for me? what were you doing?_ her voice takes on a sleazy tone and he can almost picture her face. _did you fuck him yet?_

“deb, jesus christ,” josh spits, hissing through his teeth. “ _no_. i was _showering_.”

_with him?_

“debby, _no_. by _myself_.”

_snappy much?_

he huffs an exaggerated sigh as he moves into the lobby, tipping a wink at tyler where he’s waiting at the receptionist’s desk. he grins brightly in return, waving slightly.

_josh?_

he focuses back on the call. “oh, sorry – what?” he pushes open the lobby door and resituates his phone.

_still busy?_

“just – walking. what did you need?”

_just wondering where you’re at._

“missouri.”

_still?_

“we’re almost to oklahoma. it rained like a bitch earlier,” he crosses the parking lot, opens up his truck door, and shoves his suitcase in the back before sliding behind the wheel. “couldn’t drive anywhere. look, i’ll call you back, i’m about to start driving.”

_can’t tyler drive? you said he was seventeen._

he snorts at the inclination of tyler _ever_ getting behind the wheel again. “long story. i’ll tell you all about it later. i love you, deb, i’ll call you tomorrow.”

_you better. love you too._

he ends the call just as tyler clambers into the pick up, relaxing into the seat. “that was an adventure,” he huffs, buckling his seatbelt.

josh raises an eyebrow.

“some chick behind me had her panties in a twist about _something_ –“

he’s cut off by a loud bark of laughter. josh is sticking the key into the ignition but he’s laughing about something.

“what?”

“panties in a twist, huh?”

“oh, shut _up_.” even though his tone is biting, he’s grinning, crossing his arms over his chest. “you’re like a five year old.”

“all yours, baby,” josh sighs, reaching his hand out for tyler to take.

tyler sighs, uncrossing his arms. he intertwines their fingers with a roll of his eyes, and they set out for oklahoma.


	17. we don't have to talk about it now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "his future was right in front of him, dancing and singing badly to a song he evidently loved."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another filler  
> got sumfin big planned in a few chapters tho
> 
> thank u all for your kind comments and all ur kudos  
> i read every last one of em and they all make me very happy n smiley n warm n fuzzy inside  
> much love
> 
> (title - talk by kodaline)

tyler has his camera.

he rarely takes pictures, just looks through the lens at various things he sees on the side of the road with his finger hovering over the shutter button; when he does, they’re of the sunsets, or signs welcoming them into another state (they’re all probably blurry, judging by the speed of the truck), or of josh.

josh when he isn’t looking, josh when he is looking, josh when he’s making ridiculous faces, josh when he’s driving, josh when he’s eating. ninety percent of the pictures are of josh.

he likes his face.

“i like your face.”

he’s leaned over the middle console, camera pointed at josh, finger poised over the shutter button; josh laughs softly, turns to look at him.

“yeah?”

“yeah.” he presses his finger down at the same moment josh wrinkles his nose; he cheers, soft and light, as he settles back into his seat and leans against the window.

it’s only twelve-thirty, and josh wants to drive all day.

“i should get these developed soon,” he says, just for the sake of filling up the empty air with his talking.

“you should.”

his answers are noncommittal, broken off by yawns; he’s tired. no matter how much he sleeps, he’s always tired. most of the time, he doesn’t sleep too well. he’s constantly waking up at random intervals to check on tyler.

he’s always there, wrapped up safe in his arms, sound asleep and pressed to his chest. there’s only been one occurrence where he wasn’t, and josh was so tired he nearly cried when tyler came out of the bathroom.

tyler watches him with interest in his eyes; his teeth, sharp and perfectly aligned and so white (so different to tyler’s, curved and dull and yellow and crooked) gleam in the sunlight as he yawns again. “you wanna take a break?”

josh tsks, shaking his head minutely. “ty, you can’t drive.”

he affixes a pout to his mouth and crosses his arms over his chest. “you gotta teach me.”

“maybe when we get home, okay?”

home. he means los angeles.

it’s an unsatisfactory answer, but tyler will take it over nothing. he beams at him in agreement before pulling the sunglasses perched on top of his head over his eyes, mimicking josh.

they drive, pick up baking in the summer heat.

+

the car radio reads one-thirty.

tyler has his feet kicked up on the dashboard, head leaned back lazily against the seat, sunglasses slipping down the bridge of his nose. he’s been falling in and out of sleep, and every time he floats back to consciousness, josh is singing along to the radio.

he has a nice voice. it’s steady and strong, feeling like safety where it resonates deep in tyler’s chest; it fills up spaces he hadn’t even known existed, or were even empty in the first place. he feels _whole_.

josh stops singing, looking over at tyler. “are you awake?”

he rolls his head over to gaze inquisitively at him. “yeah.”

“look.”

he’s pointing out the window; tyler follows his finger, clutching at his camera and raising it as he turns. the ‘welcome to oklahoma’ sign passes in a blur, but tyler still snaps a picture as quickly as he can.

“one more state down,” josh says. he’s smiling.

tyler gently places his camera in his lap. how can he pass the time, other than a game?

“i spy, with my little eye,” he begins, a wicked smile curling over his lips.

“tyler, _no_ ,” josh begs.

tyler’s smile only grows.

+

it’s two-thirty and he feels like he’s getting a tan.

he doesn’t burn easily. he tans, and he tans good; it’s a part of his heritage. the whole part lebanese thing his mother had told him about in grade school. it was for a class project, and he’d ended up telling his entire class he was part lesbian rather than part lebanese.

he smiles fondly at the memory. things used to be okay, before fifth grade hit.

the windows are rolled down and josh is singing sweetly while tyler sticks his arm outside, swaying it in the breeze.

josh, on the other hand, burns like no other.

“i’m getting sunburned,” he complains, rolling up his window and adjusting the brim of his snapback.

“we should buy sunscreen,” tyler replies. “i’ll wear it, too.”

“maybe,” josh agrees, looking over to him. “but you look good with a tan.”

tyler admires his arms. his mother used to tell him that, before she decided him being gay was too much and let her husband break his nose. he reaches up and curiously prods the bridge of his nose; he hadn’t even remembered that it was broken, once upon a time. it’s probably completely healed by now, if not on its way to being there.

a song tyler doesn’t know comes on the radio; the topic of sunscreen is all but forgotten, as josh immediately leans over and turns it up louder. he begins shouting the lyrics in a horrendous tone, and tyler grins.

fuck his mother.

what had happened was in the past.

his future was right in front of him, dancing and singing badly to a song he evidently loved.

+

three-thirty rolls around, and josh has taken to drumming beats on the steering wheel with one hand, fumbling with one of his gauges with the other while he sings disjointed choruses he barely remembers.

“you said you play drums, right?” tyler questions out of the blue. his feet are still on the dashboard, head craned back lazily as he watches josh’s mini-show unfold before his eyes.

“yeah.” he twists his gauge around before returning his hand to the wheel, picking up his drumming with twice as much fervor as before now that he has two hands.

“you should teach me how to play.”

“there’s a lot you want to learn, ty.” driving, drumming, two things to add to the ever-expanding list.

josh is more than happy to teach him, but he’s a little too tired to entertain the idea. he’s been trying to keep his energy levels up with his drumming.

he needs coffee as soon as they find a gas station.

“i know.”

josh drums, and tyler mimes air guitar. he’s always wanted to learn bass, but his hands are kind of small.

maybe he should start with a ukulele.

+

four-thirty, and they’re in a gas station.

josh is making a paper cup nearly overflow with coffee, and tyler is uneasily eyeing a man that’s standing to his left; he keeps shooting tyler looks he doesn’t like. he links his arm through josh’s, skin crawling, and josh smiles as he stirs sugar into his cup.

he can feel a pair of eyes on the back of his head.

“j,” tyler murmurs quietly to avoid acting suspicious.

“yeah?”

he doesn’t look up from his cup; tyler tugs on his arm a little more urgently, and it catches josh’s attention. he looks up, quirking an eyebrow up curiously.

“i don’t like the way that guy’s been looking at me,” he mumbles, tripping over his own words.

“what?” josh questions, tilting his chin up; he makes eye contact with the man who’s obviously been staring at tyler’s ass for god knows how long, and it makes his stomach boil with rage. “keep your eyes off him,” he growls, raising his voice enough to be heard by other passerby; a woman stops to look between the two men, and tyler burns with embarrassment.

“j, don’t start a scene,” he sighs as he slaps a lid on his paper cup. “can we leave? please?”

“sorry, man,” the guy replies, unwilling to let the situation slide as he raises his hands in a faux-submissive gesture. tyler swears under his breath. “didn’t know he was taken.”

“even if he wasn’t, you should keep your eyes to yourself,” josh huffs, eyes narrowed as he turns back to tyler; he’s blushing, entire face and throat a steadily darkening shade of pink.

“just glad someone’s taking that jailbait home,” he replies, tone nonchalant as he breezes past josh toward the exit; his eyes go so wide that tyler swears they’re about to pop out of his skull.

he gently tugs on josh’s hand, trying to bring his focus back to him. “let it go,” he says, voice steadier than he feels inside; he’s a mess of quaking nerves and he feels right on the brink of slipping into a panic attack. “just let it go, it doesn’t matter.”

“tyler, he called you –“

“i _know_ what he called me,” tyler interrupts, eyes closing as he grasps josh’s hand more firmly. he blinks away upset, hot tears, and focuses more intensely on josh’s face when he reopens his eyes. “it doesn’t _matter_. just let it go.”

“tyler, it matters to me,” josh insists.

they’re making a big scene.

“just get your coffee,” tyler sighs, dropping josh’s hand and backing up slightly. “please,” he adds, before turning around and moving toward the exit.

josh has really fucked up.

+

it’s almost five-thirty, and tyler has a headache.

he’d cried, for the better part of fifteen minutes, in the truck. he was refusing to be comforted and he’d cried it out for ten minutes before he decided it was time to calm down.

he spent five minutes sniffling and thinking about what he could have done differently.

josh drives in silence, waiting for an opportunity to apologize. tyler doesn’t like confrontation, and he knows it, but he still goes ahead and makes a scene every single time someone makes him upset.

his quiet crying subsides into minute sniffling, and josh finds a space to ask, “are you okay?”

they talk it over. they have a healthy relationship, tyler remarks; this is what his mother and father’s marriage was missing, all of the abuse aside. they actually talked things over and came up with a solution instead of being like his parents.

he remembers too many times stumbling upon moments in his household where his father would be beating his mother bloody until she agreed with him.

she didn’t argue much after those times.

josh keeps the radio on low to keep his headache at bay; they’ve run out of ibuprofen, and josh had forgotten to grab some in the midst of his tyranny. tyler always got migraines at the weirdest of times.

“i wrote a song about it one time,” tyler adds in, five minutes after they’d talked it over and he’d announced he had another headache from hell.

“you’ll have to show me sometime.”

“i don’t remember how it went.” he’s lying. he has it tucked away in a journal back at home, along with all of the other songs he’d written in his basement since he was twelve years old.

“oh.”

he’ll show him sometime.

+

tyler has his camera again at six-thirty.

the ‘welcome to texas’ sign buzzes past in another blur, but he still snaps a picture.

he hopes he’ll be able to read them, later on, or at least distinguish them from each other in some way; otherwise, they’ll all be a waste. well, not a complete waste. at least he has the memories that they all carry.

they’re good memories. memories of his first trip away from home, memories of meeting josh, memories of travelling and exploring and falling in love –

falling in love.

he pauses, chancing a glance over at josh. he’s humming softly to himself, one hand twined through his hair, the other tapping beats out on the steering wheel.

he’s in love, isn’t he? there’s no possible way he can’t be. he’d been thinking about it nonstop since the thought first occurred to him, and he’d decided that maybe, he was in love. definitely in love. completely in love.

in love with josh.

he tears his gaze away from josh, huffing a sigh.

“ty, are you alright?” josh’s eyes are curious when he turns his gaze to him.

“hm?” tyler hums back, frowning slightly before remembering he’d sighed. josh probably thought something was wrong. “oh, yeah, i’m good. just a little tired.”

it’s only a partial lie. josh lets it go.

+

seven-thirty, and the stars begin to appear in the sky in clusters.

millions of white, sparkling dots against a purpling backdrop, and it’s just as breathtaking as ever. he rolls down his window, lets the chill from outside seep into the pick-up, and sticks his head out the window to stare at the galaxies above.

“you know, we can stop and stargaze, if you want,” josh says thoughtfully.

“yes,” tyler hurriedly agrees, nodding near-ecstatically.

they pull off to the side of the road and park near a ditch; josh doesn’t feel like tugging all the supplies out to make up the bed if they won’t be sleeping on it, so they sit cross-legged on the hood and stare at the sky.

tyler watches the stars, and josh watches tyler.

he knows a lot of constellations, josh finds out. he names all of the ones he can see, one by one, pointing them out in the sky; josh hums in agreement, but he’s not looking at the stars. he’s watching the amazement shine in tyler’s eyes as it gradually grows darker and more stars begin to appear.

“tyler,” josh mumbles distractedly, leaning in to him and bumping their shoulders together. he’s so beautiful, so handsome, so gorgeous, so much more breathtaking than the stars; how on earth did he get so _lucky_?

“yeah?” tyler replies, breathless; when he gets no response, he turns to josh, and their gazes meet.

for a second, both of them pause, star-struck.

and then tyler closes the distance, and they kiss.

+

darkness threatens to envelop the car entirely at eight-thirty.

the only source of light is the moon, and the headlights shining on the black tar surface of the road; he hasn’t seen a car in a little over five minutes, and it’s a little concerning.

“it’s empty out here,” tyler remarks as he leans against the window, echoing josh’s thoughts. “where did all the cars go?”

josh simply shrugs.

they drive.

+

nine-thirty, and tyler’s asleep.

josh has been out of coffee for too long, and he’s tired, too, despite how early it is; he vows to stop at the next hotel they find, no matter how shitty and run-down it is.

the next hotel he comes across is in a small town just an hour or so outside of amarillo. it’s not as run-down as it could be, but it’s a step down from what they stayed in the night before. he doesn’t really care as long as he gets to sleep soon; he pulls into the parking lot, and lays a hand on tyler’s thigh, gently shaking him awake.

he huffs, shuffling away from josh’s hand. he mumbles something sleepily, raising one hand to rub at his eyes before blinking tiredly at josh.

“gonna go get a room,” josh explains, craning his neck so it’ll pop; it does, making a satisfying noise, and tyler yawns in response. “you wanna stay here?”

“mhm.” tyler curls his legs up into the seat, leaning heavily against the window. he’s already halfway asleep by the time josh pops the door open on the truck.

he takes five minutes getting keycards to room 207; tyler’s snoring when he returns, lips parted and a thin line of drool dribbling from his lower lip.

josh busies himself with grabbing their bags from the backseat. “tyler,” josh calls; no response, and it’s hardly surprising.

he walks around to the front of the truck and carefully pulls the door open, steadying tyler from falling out by putting a hand on his shoulder. “come on, baby, i can’t carry you,” he murmurs, shaking him gently; tyler huffs in response, blearily cracking open his eyes and glaring accusingly at him.

“why not?” he croaks, clearing his throat; josh rolls his eyes, and tyler smiles, looping his arms around his shoulders and groggily kissing his forehead.

josh hands him his backpack and they head to their room, hands intertwined and swinging between them; they make it up the flight of stairs to the second story and find the door to their room.

207 twinkles in the low light in golden lettering on the door.

opening the door, josh places his suitcase on the ground and barely takes any time in inspecting the room. there’s a double bed, a bathroom, and a kitchenette; not much more than he was expecting, and not anything unlike what they’ve already stayed in.

he yanks his shirt off and throws it at the wall before collapsing onto the mattress; the frame squeaks horrendously under the sudden weight and he groans in exasperation. it was going to keep him up half the night; they’d better sleep in past noon tomorrow, or he was going to crash the car.

tyler hangs around the door somewhat shyly after closing it, fingers fumbling with the button on his jeans. he finally undoes them and steps out of them, leaving them in a pile on the ground before flicking out the lights; he crosses to the bed and collapses next to josh in the darkness, cuddling against his side on top of the covers.

he expects to be lulled under almost immediately, but the exact opposite happens.

josh is half asleep, snoring against his hair, arm lax where it’s thrown over his waist; he’s not asleep completely, judging by his breathing pattern, but tyler is still envious.

he stretches as best he can while trying to keep as still as possible, but he jostles josh just a little too much and he blearily blinks his eyes down at him as his vision adjusts to the dark.

“ty,” josh mumbles tiredly, tugging him closer at his waist. “you okay, baby?”

“m’fine,” he replies softly, kissing up josh’s throat as he rests his hand on his hip. “can’t sleep, is all.”

josh hums quietly, running a hand over his shoulder blades. “something on your mind?”

just the fact that he’s helplessly in love, but there’s no way he can tell that to him. not right now. the timing isn’t right and it’s too _soon_. “my family,” he blurts, because it’s the first thing he can think of.

he shuffles around, and josh tugs back enough to look him in the eye. “your family?” he pries, inquisitive but respectful all the same.

he cringes slightly, fumbling for an explanation. something clicks, that’s been on his mind ever since their argument yesterday, when he’d realized it wasn’t likely he’d ever see his siblings again. “i – uh. i’m worried about my siblings.”

“oh.” josh rubs his hand up and over his ribcage, and tyler rolls over onto his back, shoulder pressing up against josh’s chest. he lays his hand flat on tyler’s sternum, right above his heartbeat; it thrums steadily and calm underneath his fingertips. “worried about what?”

“i probably won’t ever see them again,” tyler sighs, and he realizes that, alongside being in love with josh, this has been bothering him immensely as well. “now that i’m gone, my dad’s gonna be even worse to them, and i don’t know if zack and jay can protect maddy –“

he pauses, heaving in a deep breath and closing his eyes against the urge to cry. his voice quivers when he whispers, “and i miss them.”

“ty, you’re tired,” josh mumbles, rubbing his hand slowly in a circle over his chest, and it’s soothing. “let’s try and get some rest, okay? no use stressing right now. we can talk about it in the morning.”

“okay,” tyler relents, blinks away unshed tears and curls back onto his side. he moves around to tug the blankets from underneath them and covers up tyler’s frame before laying down next to him, holding his arms open for tyler to curl into.

he falls asleep surprisingly quickly.


	18. i live in a hologram with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "that’s when josh’s sleep-addled brain realizes it’s tyler whimpering."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo it's been a while  
> don't really have an excuse but this one's longer so hopefully that makes up for it
> 
> have fun fam
> 
> [ title - buzzcut season by lorde ]

tyler drifts into something that resembles a peaceful sleep, while josh remains wide awake.

it’s certainly a change in roles; usually, josh is the first to sleep, whereas tyler stays awake to ponder about life’s greatest questions or his future, among other things.

it’s unfair.

josh is exhausted, and his eyelids keep drooping every time he blinks his eyes open to check on tyler, but his mind refuses to shut down. he sinks into the mattress drearily, tyler wrapped in his arms as he snores against the skin of his throat. he envies him, he really does. it’s a petty thing to be envious over, but it’s not like he really _cares_. he’s too drained for that, both emotionally and physically.

he sniffles, slightly, closing his eyes and allowing his mind to lull sleepily.

he’s just on the brink of falling asleep when someone whimpers; he creaks open blurry, gritty eyes to blink curiously at the top of tyler’s head. he’s greeted with only silence.

he blinks, quietly, wonderingly; after a good second of thought, he brushes it off as a figment of his imagination and relaxes back against his pillow, sighing softly in exasperation. he hugs tyler a little closer, and tyler makes a tiny, subdued noise as he curls tighter into his embrace.

josh smiles gently, pausing to press a kiss to his forehead. he’s overcome with a sudden wave of affection; these times aren’t few and far between, by any means. tyler does the simplest thing and josh is overwhelmed with just how much he likes him, and it makes his heart stop. his arms involuntarily tighten around his tiny frame, instinctively trying to shield him from whatever danger could possibly be lurking in the hotel room.

tyler lets out a whine that sounds less than impressed, hands curling into fists where they’re laid up against josh’s chest. he huffs a laugh and rearranges their legs underneath the covers, trying to get himself more comfortable; the blankets pool around their waists, and josh sets about tucking them closer up around tyler’s shoulder to make sure he’s warm enough.

he’s relaxing back against the mattress when someone whimpers again.

that’s when josh’s sleep-addled brain realizes it’s _tyler_ whimpering.

he pulls back enough to look at his face; his forehead is creased, bottom lip quivering, eyelashes fluttering over dully flushed cheeks. he half thinks that maybe, it’s just another wet dream, but his whimpering only grows louder. it becomes more panicked, more pronounced, more frightened; josh stares at him, transfixed, as his lips part and he sharply mumbles, “ _no_.”

oh.

nightmares.

his sister used to get them, when he lived at home. they mostly followed the nights in which the worst storms occurred. he grasps for straws, trying to remember what he would do for her when they happened; hers were always so _violent_ , when she would scream in terror at three a.m. and wake up the entire household.

but he was always the first one to reach her. he remembers with a shocking, distinct clarity her pale, terrified face searching for his in the dark when he’d open the door to her room and call her name; he’d walk over and sit on the edge of her bed, open up his arms, and she’d crawl into his lap and cry herself back to sleep.

tyler’s different. it’s a different sort of panic, but just as unsettling as he begins frantically trying to writhe out of the grasp josh has around his waist. he’s still murmuring _no_ over and over, and josh shakes him minutely, trying to get him awake. he clears his throat, shakes him again before calling, “tyler.”

his eyes flicker open at the sound of his name. his panicked gaze flickers all around the room before landing on josh’s face, and he briefly shakes in fear before gradually coming around to his surroundings.

“tyler,” josh murmurs softly, and tyler blinks back wet, hot tears as he sniffles.

“sorry,” he mumbles, sheepish and apologetic, and he’s still shaking when josh places lifts his hand from around his waist and gently cups his cheek in his palm. he exhales, sound quivering when it passes his lips, and josh can’t help himself from pressing his thumb against his bottom lip; tyler’s wet eyes blink at him, search his curiously, before his tongue flits out and rolls against the pad of his thumb. sweet and innocent, but it sends a wave of blistering heat through josh’s gut.

“tyler,” josh repeats, and tyler smiles; he can feel it underneath his thumb, and he flicks his tongue again, teeth glinting in the light from where the blinds have cracked open and the moonlight is spilling through. “what were you dreaming about?”

“dreaming,” tyler echoes, and his breath comes quick and hot, fanning against the skin of his hand. not a dream at all, but josh doesn’t want to bother ask what had been troubling his sleep. “you.”

“i didn’t want to wake you up,” he murmurs back in reply, and he presses his thumb harder against his lip. tyler smiles wider, leans into his touch and wraps his tongue around his finger. josh can’t find it in him to be grossed out, just mildly turned on and so love-struck it makes him want to be sick. “but you looked scared.”

“s’okay.” his words are muffled as he sucks the tip of his thumb into his mouth; it’s a pleasant feeling, and josh’s stomach turns over as tyler bites gently before releasing. he’s getting hard so quick his vision is swimming lazily, and tyler’s face is a watercolor wash of shape and color in the low light.

josh moves his hand to stroke against his cheek before curling around the nape of his neck, and he presses tyler closer; he moves without complaint, shuffling closer until their chests are pushing together, rising and falling as one.

he strokes his hand up through tyler’s hair, blinking when their gazes meet; tyler still looks a little sheepish, with a light flush rising into his cheeks, and he’s leaning in suddenly.

their noses brush before their lips touch, and it couldn’t be more perfect. it’s lazy and soft as they meld together, growing more desperate when josh involuntarily presses his dick up against tyler’s thigh. tyler laughs breathlessly, tugging back to look him in the eye before murmuring with a smirk, “you hard?”

it’s a little more than self-explanatory, but josh nods restlessly and clears his throat to excuse himself to the bathroom. before he can say anything, tyler snakes a hand between their hips and gingerly cups josh through his boxers, testing the waters; josh says nothing, but the hitch in his breathing is enough and tyler smiles as he moves in again.

they reconnect, and tyler’s mouth falls open, pliant as ever. josh licks into his mouth, breaks the seam of his lips, and their kiss is wet and hot and deep and almost too sloppy.

he squeezes his hand, twists his wrist around, and josh breaks the kiss to gasp. he breathes heavily through his nose as tyler makes his movements a little more prominent; it makes him wonder what’s gotten into him all of the sudden. he’s been taking any excuse to get josh off since the whole hand job incident.

“maybe you should go back to bed, ty,” he finds his voice enough to mumble, clearing his throat and fighting the urge to let his eyelids flutter shut as tyler rolls his palm. “you’re tired.”

“i don’t wanna go back to sleep,” tyler insists as he brings his other hand down to wrap his fingers around the waistband of his boxers. “you’re hard. i wanna get you off. can i?”

his words hang in the air, an unanswered question, as josh processes everything – can he what?

and then he realizes. it’s unspoken, but he’s asking for permission to touch him; actually touch him, instead of just letting him rut up against his palm until he comes in his underwear.

“yeah,” he grits his teeth. his throat feels raw and his voice cracks slightly as he nods tentatively; tyler smiles brightly, pressing their noses together. something about eskimo kisses flutters through his tired mind, interrupted two seconds later by a tiny, sharp and sudden intake of air as tyler shuffles his boxers down and the cold air hits his bare skin.

and suddenly, tyler’s hand is touching his cock and he can’t breathe; his touch is light and sensitive and his palm is so _soft_ , fingers so skeletal where they’re tentatively wrapping around his base.

he pauses, and josh blinks his eyes back open to look at him in the dark; his gaze is transfixed on his hand around josh’s dick, as he swipes his thumb up and over the darkening head. he finally lifts his chin enough to meet josh’s eyes, and he’s biting his lip, breathing shallowly.

“everything okay?” josh asks, voice husky, and it sends waves of boiling heat through tyler’s veins.

“i don’t,” he begins, pausing as his eyes drop back down to his cock. this is real, he’s got his hand on josh’s dick, he’s jerking him off, and he’s _overwhelmed_. his voice wavers shyly when he admits, “know what i’m doing.”

“oh.” josh’s breathing grows a little heavier as he resituates his weight, placing one of his hands over the top of tyler’s and squeezing gently, reassuringly. “you just – kinda –“ he flounders, for an awkward second, before gripping tyler’s hand underneath his own and guiding his hand up and down his cock in a fluid stroke. his voice breaks when he croaks out, “like – like that.”

his breathing is darker, even heavier, and tyler’s mildly turned on by the sound as he repeats the movement. his touch is too light, his fingers aren’t tight enough, and it’s a little too dry, but it still makes josh’s toes curl and he involuntarily whimpers.

“good?” tyler breathes. he tightens his fingers, pulling another stroke, and josh can’t help the gasp he lets past.

“really good, baby,” he reassures, sliding onto his back from his side and moving his hand up tyler’s arm to rest his hand on his shoulder. “just – spit in your hand for me.”

“too dry?” tyler mumbles, and when josh nods, he yanks his hand back and spits messily into his palm. he rewraps his hand around his base, and josh’s hips jerk to meet his fist with a tiny, distant noise; he smiles, looks down at his hand working over josh’s cock in fluid, strong motions.

it’s so much better than he’d imagined in the shower, one hand wrapped around his own cock as he messily jerked himself off, other hand pressed over his mouth to keep quiet. josh’s dick is curved just slightly so, and the tip is flushed a pretty pink, already beading with pearl spots of pre-come that begin to drip over his fingers.

tyler knows what he likes when he jerks himself off, so he replicates the movements on josh. he grips him hard and he pulls his hand up and down _fast_ , and josh moans timidly; when tyler’s eyes glance up to look at him, his head is tilted back into the sheets, eyes squeezed close, lips parted as he breathes quick and hot and heavy.

a low heat burns in josh’s stomach; his abdomen clenches and his nails dig into tyler’s shoulder as his hips jerk up. tyler only tightens his hand, humming under his breath as he jerks him off quick and hot.

“not gonna last,” josh finally mumbles, blinking open his eyes; their gazes meet, and tyler’s lip quirks up in a smile as he twists his wrist, thumbing over the head.

he manages a few more steady strokes before josh’s grip tightens further on his shoulder, hips twitching erratically up to meet his hand; he gasps once, a short, choked-out variation of tyler’s name before his eyes are squeezing shut and he’s coming all over tyler’s fist.

tyler stares in amazement as he works josh through his orgasm; strings of come land all over his hand and he stretches his fingers in awe, watches them glisten in the low light from the moon.

finally, he mumbles, “gross.”

it doesn’t stop him from lifting his hand to his mouth and tentatively dragging his tongue over the spots on his palm; his nose wrinkles slightly at the salty, bitter taste, and josh’s jaw drops as he pants. “doesn’t taste that good,” he murmurs, but he’s still licking at his hand, cleaning himself off.

josh can’t breathe.

his head swims and he’s locked on the imagery of tyler licking his _come_ off his hand; he finally yanks it away from his mouth, drying it off on the sheets as he shoots a cheerful smile josh’s way.

“you’re unbelievable,” is the first thing josh is able to say when he regains his memories of how to speak.

“oh, you liked it,” tyler spits back, flopping down onto his back and rearranging his boxers to avoid showing off his own unbearable tent.

it doesn’t work.

josh watches in amusement as he crosses his legs, and then heavily sighs and shoves a hand between his thighs, cupping himself with a gentle noise. he rolls his head back, looking josh in the eye with a tiny smile as he mumbles, “i’ll be right back.”

“want me to?” josh offers, and tyler doesn’t even think, just lets his jaw drop slightly before he hurriedly nods; his eyes are full of eagerness, and it’s josh’s turn to smirk as he tugs his wet boxers back up around his hips before moving closer to tyler.

he puts his hands on his shoulders, shuffling them around before he pushes tyler flat onto his back. he swings his leg over his thighs, pinning him in place; he moves until he’s sitting on top of him, pressing him down into the mattress, and tyler wiggles restlessly.

his eyes are huge as they trail over josh sitting on top of him; he loses track of time, forgets how to breathe in one swift movement as josh runs his finger over the waistband on his briefs. his fingertips trail lightly up over his stomach, pause over his navel before josh lifts his eyes and their gazes meet.

he smiles; it’s sharp and straight and white and wicked and oh-so perfect. his teeth would look so pretty buried into the skin of his throat, and he absently tilts his chin up, allowing josh all of the access in the world to his delicate flesh.

josh is still grinning as he slides his hand across tyler’s navel. his skin is so soft, so fair, and josh dips his head, encroaching into his space. he lets out a tiny hum, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth before worrying it between sharp incisors, eyes flicking down to trace tyler’s frame underneath him.

tyler’s collarbones are so prominent, his skin so pale and fair; josh desperately wants to mark up every inch of his throat, of his chest, all the way down his stomach. the expanse of skin spread out under him looks so delicious, stretched out and glorious as he gazes down at him.

he’s his to mark up.

“you’re mine,” he mumbles, voice muffled as he bends his head further and presses their lips together. tyler hums against his lips, slides his tongue out and flicks it out to dance over josh’s bottom lip; they part, and josh allows tyler to slip his tongue in past his front teeth.

he tastes sort of like the toothpaste they share, and he giggles, breaking their kiss; josh’s hands tighten on his hips and he pardons the interruption to dip his head, nibbling along his jaw.

“all mine,” he murmurs, biting sharply at the bend of his jaw before sucking on the mark that blossoms a new, flushed crimson into his pale skin; tyler gasps, clutching desperately at josh’s shoulders.

“mhm,” tyler whimpers pathetically, tilting his chin up; he breathes in heavy through his nose as josh’s lips trace burning marks down his throat, pausing to nip at his adam’s apple before latching into his skin and sucking a new bruise. he groans, and josh grins, licking around the outline his teeth have made. his words are broken when he mumbles, “m’yours.”

josh smiles at his disjointed mumbling, eyes dark as he slips his thumb underneath the waistband of his briefs. he toys with it for a second, debating his next move before roughly growling, “that’s my good boy.”

tyler shudders, hands dropping from his shoulders to twist in the sheets, and it gives josh a bit of pause – he’s onto something _good_. he pulls the waistband back between his fingers and snaps it against tyler’s hip, feeling him jolt and whine out at the sting that radiates through him, sharp and sudden. “you like it when i call you my good boy, ty?”

“fuck,” tyler whimpers, and josh all but purrs as he lifts his lips to his ear; he squirms, shying away from his touch, but josh’s hand tightens on his hip and pushes him harder against the mattress.

“answer me,” he whispers against the shell of his ear, breath hot and heavy. tyler almost loses it from the touch of his lips against his skin, all burning heat, eyes squeezing closed as he desperately nods his head. josh grins sweetly, pulling back enough to look at him as he uses his hands to carefully move down his boxers; tyler’s eyes fly open, meeting josh’s, and he sharply inhales as the cold air washes over his flushed cock.

his head swims deliriously as josh’s eyes drag hungrily down his body. embarrassment rolls through him in waves at the fact that he’s almost completely naked, and he swallows thickly, fighting the urge to cover himself.

thankfully, josh runs calloused fingertips over the skin of his inner thighs, and his self-depreciating thoughts melt away as josh lifts his eyes to meet his. there seems to be a permanent smile affixed to his lips when he murmurs, “you’re so gorgeous, baby.”

tyler hums, high and sweet, as his hips twitch upward, begging without even so much as opening his mouth. josh doesn’t bother to touch him. instead, he drags his hand up the inside of his thigh and simply leaves it there, squeezing sporadically, as he looks at all of him.

his cock is curved up and pressing to his stomach, pre-come beading at the darkened tip; a fine pink flush spreads from the head to the base, and self-consciousness begins to swallow tyler whole the longer josh continues to stare.

“such a pretty cock,” he finally murmurs.

and, god, _okay_ , that’s a brand new sensation curling through his gut; tyler moans so loud before he’s even aware his lips are moving that he surprises himself, the muscles in his legs twitching as he tosses his head back involuntarily. he flushes bright red out of embarrassment, trying to cross his legs to cover himself, but josh slides his hands between his thighs with a soft tsking noise.

“who are you hiding from?” josh growls, and tyler whines, face flushing. he spreads tyler’s thighs further apart, stooping to drop a kiss to his collarbone; he grazes his teeth, laughing when tyler pants above him, raising a hand to fist through his hair. “you’ve got such a pretty cock, baby. so pretty,” he continues to compliment, and tyler lets out a soft noise, fingers tightening where they’re gripping at his hair. “mind if i touch?”

he blearily shakes his head, and josh hums in delight; he reaches between them, wraps a hand around tyler’s cock and he jolts, letting out a high-pitched squeak as his hips buck up into josh’s hand.

he laughs, using his other hand to push tyler’s hips down against the mattress. “it’s okay,” he mumbles, distractedly, as he slowly pumps his hand, listening to tyler hum in disarray.

he only manages to pull a short, dry stroke before tyler’s whimpering, hand tight in his hair; his whimper drags into a high-pitched moan as josh slowly begins to jerk him off and suddenly, his yanking at josh’s hair with a mumble of his name, and his cock twitches in his hand.

he’s coming a second later, spilling all over josh’s fist in sticky white strands; he works him through the aftermath, twisting his wrist and pulling slow strokes as tyler tugs at his hair, whining in oversensitivity.

“oh, fuck,” he whimpers, hips twitching as he whines; josh gently tugs off, clearing his throat. he stares in unabashed awe as tyler swallows, throat working, blinking unseeingly at he ceiling as he comes down.

it takes a good five seconds before he tilts his head up to look curiously at josh; he’s fully, acutely aware that he’s still nearly completely naked, and he should be ashamed, but he feels free, in some weird way.

free, because he’s comfortable with josh. because he trusts him. because he loves him.

he’d never make fun of him.

he looks just as love struck as tyler probably does, too.

“you did so good for me, baby,” josh murmurs, soft and sweet, as he bends his neck and presses a short kiss to tyler’s cheek. “thank you for letting me do that.”

tyler smiles crookedly, tilting his head back into the pillows. his knees feel like jelly and his bones could probably be liquid at this point; it’s the hardest he’s ever come before in his entire life, and he’s not sure if he can breathe properly, nonetheless actually speak back to him.

“i’m gonna go grab you a washcloth.”

he fumbles off of tyler’s hips and off the bed, and tyler runs a hand through his damp hair, allowing his eyes to flicker shut. a warm feeling of happiness resonates deep within his chest and he smiles, albeit dopily, at the ceiling as stars swim beneath his shut eyelids.

the come is drying gradually on his stomach by the time josh crawls back onto the mattress; a slow warmth emanates around his abdomen as josh slowly cleans away the sticky mess with a wet washcloth, movements careful and precise. tyler finally finds his voice as he gropes for josh’s hand and murmurs, “thank you.”

josh tosses the cloth somewhere onto the ground and grabs tyler’s hand; he rests their intertwined fingers on top of tyler’s chest, and josh can feel his heartbeat, steady and slow. it’s calming, in a way, like the tide rushing to meet the shore, and he sighs breathily as he curls up to tyler’s side.

their legs fit together automatically, and tyler squeezes his hand once, twice, three times. josh squeezes back, tilts his chin up to find tyler’s skin with his lips with half-shut eyes; they meet his cheek, and he presses gently, softly, kissing him with such tenderness that tears almost well up in tyler’s eyes.

“you’re so beautiful,” he murmurs, and tyler believes every bit of that to be true. he creaks open gritty eyes to look at josh, but his remain closed; he’d believe him to be asleep, if it wasn’t for the timidly-placed smile crossing his lips.

“thank you,” he whispers back, and his words seep into an emptiness within josh he’d hardly knew existed. he feels fuller, in a way, and it’s something he’ll never entirely get used to.

“good night, ty. sweet dreams.”

“night, j. sleep good.”


	19. i don't mind, take your time (got things to do)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does the rihanna wink

the scent of greasy fast food greets tyler’s nostrils when he blinks his eyes open for the first time that day.

the day is dark and dreary outside. the curtains are pulled aside to let the daylight spill through, all on josh’s doing, he’s sure, but there’s hardly any daylight to spare. the trees drip water onto the grounds, and gray clouds hang in an equally as overcast sky. it’d rained while they were asleep, possibly rained more when josh snuck out to get them both some breakfast. he sniffles, pulls the covers up to his nose, and closes his eyes; josh’s chuckle from somewhere behind him warms his heart, but he keeps his eyes closed, lower half of his face buried.

“good morning, sunshine,” josh says to the back of tyler’s head. he shuffles a paper bag around, and the scent of more greasy, unappealing food touches tyler’s nose. he grimaces, pulling the blankets up and over his head. he can almost picture the sight of josh’s arms crossed over his chest, hip cocked out to the left, when he lets out a sigh at tyler’s lack of response. “come on, beauty. we’ve got a lot of driving to do today. i hate texas.”

tyler hates texas, too. he spent an entire summer there once when he was nine and got a black eye playing in the barn with his brothers, but it’s not a big enough motivator to get him out of bed.

“i brought mcdonald’s,” josh tries to wager. tyler’s stomach rolls at the thought of another egg mcmuffin settling on his empty stomach. he wrinkles his nose even though josh can’t see him. no response from the vaguely tyler-shaped, blanket-covered lump on the bed. he can still picture josh’s arms crossed, a petulant look on that pretty face of his. “i’ve got redbull, too.”

that piques tyler’s interest. he did say, once, he’d kill someone for a lifetime supply of redbull. he didn’t think josh would remember, but it’s enough to get him out of bed.

his head pops from the blankets first, and he rolls onto his side to blink groggily at josh. smug smile on his face, he’s halfway through unwrapping an egg mcmuffin.

“where’s the redbull?” tyler croaks.

“i don’t actually have redbull,” josh admits, not looking sheepish in the slightest as he bites into the sustaining yet disgusting food. “but if you get out of bed, i’ll buy you some.”

long groan, long roll of his eyes, tyler shoves the covers to his hips and throws his hands over his head in exasperation. “you’re the worst,” he complains.

“eat,” josh responds, voice muffled by a mouthful of fat and grease. tyler’s nose wrinkles in distate.

“not hungry,” tyler replies, sniffling. he wipes grit from his eyes, half-annoyed, half-endeared by the sounds of josh chewing and swallowing. he knows what josh is going to say, and he ignores him when he does say it – “you need to eat, baby boy.”

his stomach growls in disagreement with his words. even with his hands over his face, he knows josh has an eyebrow and a hip cocked. “fine. i don’t want mcdonald’s again.”

“i’ll get you something else.” josh is too sweet for his own good. tyler is likely taking advantage of him, but it’s too early in the morning to be bothered by thoughts of self-depreciation. he’s too hungry, too tired, bones too heavy. “can’t have redbull on an empty stomach. come on, get up, let’s go.”

 _do it for the redbull, tyler,_ he convinces himself. it’s enough to get him out of bed.

rolling, feet hitting the floor, he stands, blankets pooling at his waist. he absently pulls up the hem of his t-shirt (too big to be his, it’s josh’s) and scratches at his hip, watching josh eye the sliver by sliver of pale skin revealing itself. he smirks, teeth crooked, skin glorious.

“like what you see?” he teases. his voice is gravelly, more so than intended. josh snorts and chews another mouthful.

swallowing, he doesn’t look thoughtful in the slightest. he doesn’t dignify tyler with a response, either, merely shoves the rest of the disgusting glop into the vortex he calls a mouth.

chews, swallows. “what do you want for breakfast?” he’s good at avoiding subjects.

tyler wants to pull his hair out. he never gets what he wants. his stomach growls again. petulantly, “the redbull you promised me.”

“can’t have redbull on an empty stomach,” josh repeats, beginning to wander around the room to pick up stranded articles of clothing and shoving them into bags – shirts and pants from the night before, a pair of boxers. tyler’s face burns, shifting on the bed, dressed only in his (stained) boxers and josh’s t-shirt.

“i need to change,” he blurts, likely looking about as red as a tomato. in the heat of the moment, he’s fine, sultry, even; remembering the heat of the moment is nothing short of embarrassing.

the smirk on josh’s face is also embarrassing. he’s remembering the things tyler did, and it’s more than embarrassing – it’s practically humiliating. “alright, angel,” he says, but tyler is the farthest cast from an angel, at the moment. at least josh doesn’t bring up the fact that they gave each other handjobs just because tyler couldn’t sleep.

he’s hesitant to stand. his knees feel weak. his bare legs are exposed to the cold air, goosebumps perforating skin as he crouches to dig through a bag. he plucks out the first pair of jeans he finds, a clean pair of underwear, a t-shirt (he doesn’t know who it belongs to, doesn’t care, does care, he’s fucked).

walking to the bathroom is shameful, makes tyler’s blood boil. josh settles on the bed, on his back, on his phone, maybe texting debby; he’s not looking at tyler, the memories of last night seemingly pushed to the back recesses of his mind for now. he doesn’t look at tyler at all, and tyler’s thankful, as he shuts himself into the safety of the bathroom and locks the door, eyes cast away from the mirror.

his boxers are still damp, slightly sticky with sweat and god knows what ekse (he knows). his face burns even hotter as he discards them on the floor, pulling on the new pair, followed by the jeans. shamefully, he peels josh’s shirt away, slightly disgusted to find that the new shirt he’d picked is also josh’s; it’s something josh enjoys, a little too much, seeing tyler wear his clothes. he likes it, too, if he’s honest, but he’s not in the mood to be honest.

pulling the shirt over his head, it’s one of josh’s bigger shirts, one of his favorites. it drapes over his frame like a blanket, could swallow him whole, and tyler wishes it would. he doesn’t know how to face him.

“tyler,” josh’s voice calls. he didn’t realize how long he’d been taking. his hands are shaking. “are you okay?”

his voice sounds like it’s right outside the door. it makes tyler flinch with how close he is.

“fine,” he croaks, hoping the jump in his voice from his heart leaping into his throat is passable enough for sleepiness.

a heartbeat between them, a heartbeat between the door that separates them. “okay,” josh says, and for a foolish moment, tyler thinks that’s it. he forgets just how well josh reads him, even when he can’t see him. “what’s wrong?”

tyler scrambles for an excuse. “the weather!” he nearly shouts, blurting the first thing that comes to mind and then cringing at himself. then, slowly, “it’s – raining.”

“you don’t like the rain?” josh asks, concern seeping into his voice. tyler can almost picture the furrow between his eyebrows. he gives a sharp intake of breath, snaps his fingers. “oh, shit, that’s _right_. you’re scared of storms. oh, baby.”

eyes sliding shut, tyler leans against the door and sniffles. everything is dumb and he wants to go back to bed. by himself. he doesn’t know if he can handle being coddled for his stupid fears that aren’t even half of the truth. the rain hadn’t bothered him last night.

“are you – crying?” more concern. no response. “tyler.”

“no.” a little. he wipes at his eyes, wipes his hands on his jeans. “’m’fine.”

“promise?”

more sniffling. “promise.”

the edge of a smile creeps into josh’s voice. “pinky promise?”

tyler can’t help but smile, too. remembering just how much he adores josh, he fumbles for the door handle and opens it up, face red (either from the embarrassment or the tears) and hand extended.

josh takes the initiative to lock their pinkies, shaking their hands.

for a moment, they stand, pinkies interlocked, smiling stupidly. tyler laughs, tugging josh into a tight hug, arms looped around his waist and face buried in his neck.

“my precious boy,” josh mumbles to the top of his head, pressing kiss after kiss to his hair. tyler does nothing more than hug him tighter and breathe in the scent of clean linen, hotel soap; he loves josh, adores josh. there’s no way something this pure could ever be a sin. all that time of his mother and father beating it into his brains that being gay was wrong, only for him to find out that loving a boy would be one of the most wholesome things he’d ever have the pleasure of experiencing.

hands on tyler’s hips, he squeezes. he kisses his forehead, moves his hands to cup his jaw and pulls his head up to look him in the eye. “tyler joseph,” he begins, preparing for something that feels like a long-winded speech that tyler doesn’t know if he’ll survive; instead, he cracks a grin, brings their noses together and looks him for a long time in the eye before speaking. “you are the most important thing to me.”

it knocks tyler breathless. he feels like he’s locked in a movie set in the fifties, oddly; slow dancing at a sockhop, playing the innocent virgin girl never having been kissed before in her life swept off her feet by the mysterious boy in a black leather jacket. he thinks, maybe, this is the part where he bats his lashes and blinks hopelessly up at said mystery boy and asks him if he _really_ means it.

instead, he giggles, because he’s ridiculous. instead, he kisses josh and kisses josh and kisses josh.

“you’re the most important thing in my life, joshua dun,” he says.

and he means it.

+

hand in hand, bags at their sides, they exit the hotel. keycards returned, josh had to sweet-talk to receptionist over a noise complaint; he leaves her with a pretty smile and a new number in his pocket. tyler, fuming, rips it the second they step outside, and in his pity party, promptly steps into a puddle josh was trying to warn him about. his shoe, floral print, cloth fabric, is sopping, soaking wet. it’s seeped into his sock and he’s cold and miserable, less miserable when josh sets their bags down and kisses him in the middle of the parking lot.

he forgets about his wet foot and smiles into the kiss. endearing. stranded somewhere an hour outside of amarillo, texas, in a hotel room where first experiences were shared, nothing matters more than the taste and feel of josh’s lips on his.

“i thought you’d never shut up,” josh mumbles when they break apart. his eyes are clouded, his mind everywhere, dopey smile on his lips.

tyler must look equally as lost. josh’s eyes focus on his. “shut up and kiss me again.”

josh does.

“again,” tyler requests. josh’s lips are always soft, but tyler never sees him apply chapstick. he hums, fingernails digging indents into skin where his hands have slipped under the hem of his t-shirt. josh hums, too, responding in kind.

tyler doesn’t have to ask again.

+

bags packed in the backseat, they pile into the pick-up. keys go into the ignition, josh’s hands go to the wheel, feet to the pedals. backing out of the parking lot, tyler finds a suitable radio station and picks up his camera where it had been forgotten in the middle console.

“say cheese.”

another smile is captured on film, teeth bared, tongue out. tyler laughs to himself as he checks how many pictures he has left – twenty-something. “need to get more film,” he absently notes to the air. josh listens.

“how about another camera?” he asks.

tyler ponders, turning the camera over and over in his hands. “this one is special.”

“more film it is. still want redbull?”

“i want donuts, too,” tyler adds to his list of demands.

josh doesn’t comment on how he’ll eat donuts but not mcdonald’s. “anything for you.”

tyler blinks at his hands, hidden smile on his face, rose blush creeping into his cheeks. he’ll probably never get used to the way josh treats him – like he’s something special. he’s certainly not, but with the way josh looks at him, it sure feels like he is.

+

there’s a gas station some forty minutes into their drive. josh thinks his right ear will fall off with the amount of times tyler’s complained that he’s hungry – at first, josh had retaliated, saying that tyler should’ve eaten the mcdonald’s if he was _that_ hungry, but then, when he’d refused to let up, lapsed into silence.

josh had eaten both egg mcmuffins. his stomach isn’t the happiest camper, but there’s nothing quite like driving on an empty stomach.

they get a 12 pack of redbull and a few packages of chocolate donuts. back in the pick-up, tyler munches quietly, happily, downing one of the redbulls and then another.

“all you’re going to do is complain that your tummy hurts in twenty minutes,” josh says when he cracks open the second redbull.

“i’m a grown man and i’ll drink as much redbull as i’d like,” tyler responds.

sure enough, twenty minutes later, tyler is doubled over, clutching his stomach, but he’s silent. he’s refusing to give josh the satisfaction of being right. twenty minutes after that, he’s shouting for josh to stop the truck; although confused and slightly scared, he does, and tyler nearly falls out of the pick-up’s door and onto the ground to upchuck all of the redbull and donuts he’d taken in.

sighing, josh gets out too, to brush his hair away from his forehead and to pat his back. his eyes shine with ‘i told you so’, but his words are full of concern and love when he helps tyler steady back on his feet.

“poor baby,” he says, helping tyler back into the truck’s seat; tyler leans against his shoulder for a moment, catching his breath and muttering, cursing chocolate donuts but not the redbull. never the redbull, even though it was likely the main perpetrator.

“texas is awful,” he gripes into josh’s neck. josh pushes his hair back again and kisses his forehead.

“wanna brush your teeth?” he asks.

“yes, please.”

tyler’s breath is minty fresh when josh kisses him next. they’re settling back onto the road, but haven’t actually moved; tyler’s in josh’s space, inclined over the middle console and pouting in his face. “my tummy hurts,” he gripes, and josh wants to tell him it’s his own fault, but he cups his jaw with one hand instead and pecks him softly, just to push away the pout.

“gotta drive, sweetheart,” josh says between kisses. tyler’s insatiable. his hand grips at josh’s thigh and he kisses him again, bites his lips, draws blood.

out of breath and panting, josh licks blood from his lips and ignores tyler’s wicked grin. josh loves him desperately, but he hates texas almost just as much. “get some sleep, angel. you look tired.”

petulant, tyler heaves a sigh. “’m not tired.” he settles back into the seat nonetheless after not getting what he wants; he pulls his legs up against his chest and relaxes his head onto the tops of his knees, leaning against the doorframe.

+

josh tastes blood for a long time after tyler bites him. there’s a new split in his lip, but josh isn’t disappointed; he’s the farthest from disappointed. he likes the marks tyler gives him. there’s the indent of his fingernails dug into his hips.

tyler’s soundly sleeping, head craned against the doorframe, curled into a ball. one hand on his thigh, josh soothingly rubs his thumb up and down the fabric of his jeans, holding him in place and hopefully grounding him against any nightmares that might show their face. he loves this boy with the entirety of his soul, mind, being; it’s probably unhealthy, and it terrifies him how quickly he’s falling. it’s not like he’s had good experiences with falling in love, at any rate; falling in love this fast almost expels disaster.

but then, he looks at tyler, sleeping soundly, beautiful and glorious, and he knows that none of this could ever be a disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, hello, it's me! guess who's back, back again, blurry's back, tell a friend  
> oh, how i've missed this story. a lot has happened. i'd love to tell you about it. ask me if you'd like to know.  
> please note that my writing style has changed a little. i'm enjoying working on it to make it better.  
> thank you for 500 kudos. and for those of you curious, i'd never abandon this fic.  
> if you'd like to get into contact with me, i made a tumblr so you can ask me questions, send me ideas, and kick my ass for not updating! hooray! it's @joyseph and i'd love to talk to you. i'll be responding to comments as much as possible, too.  
> thanks again. i love you.  
> stay street.


	20. i can't save you (even though i want to)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the messiest chapter of your life  
> let's celebrate chapter 20. we've come a long way

josh’s tongue dances over the newest split in his lip, tasting the iron of blood and wincing at the minute sting of pain. there’s a handful of times (he can count them on one hand) where his lip has been busted in all of his life, all of them too memorable, none of them too fond.

one – a night where his father came home, drunk, staggering, words of venom spilling from his mouth like a broken faucet. he still remembers his head knocking back against the wall as his father’s clenched fist connected with his mouth; he bled all over his front, knocked a tooth loose, split his lip right up the middle. being punched in the face only served to make him angrier than he was before; he ended up winning that fight (after a hospital visit to stitch his father’s face back together). it was the last fight they’d had.

two – a fight in the boy’s locker room, just before his father would walk in on him fucking a boy he’d been barhopping with. the boy called him a faggot, hands clenched into fists, shoulders squared; josh would roll his eyes and spit at his feet but do nothing more, not until the boy accused him of wanting to fuck him, of looking at him when he was changing. as a haphazard circle gathered around them (cheering, pointing, laughing), simply telling the boy that he wasn’t his _type_ only got him a fist in the face and another split in his lip. he won that fight, too, after another hospital visit to reset the broken bones in the boy’s arm.

three – tyler’s excitement embedded into their most recent kiss. teeth sharp, tongue soft, josh liked the way he bit and tugged, liked the way his tongue soothed over the open wound and the way he’d sucked away the blood he’d drawn. tyler’s eyes were interested, smile wicked, and josh wanted nothing more than to throw him in the backseat and make him squeal for all the right reasons.

it’s easy to say which is his favorite. he still regrets not fucking tyler into next week on account of being half-hard, but he knows better. tyler is delicate. tyler is fragile. josh isn’t about to break him or his heart on the account of getting what he wants. he’s more than just some easy lay or some boy josh had barhopped with once upon a time and taken back to his house to have his way; josh cares too much about his soft, pretty face, his tiny frame that fits just right in his hands, his personality that sparkles just like the riotus swirls of yellow-gold currently stretching across the sky.

the sun winks at him through the windshield, causes him to squint; tyler snores gently next to him, and when josh turns to look at him, he’s still curled into a tiny ball in the seat, josh’s hand still on his thigh. he smiles to himself, feels his heart beat quicker, lungs flutter; he squeezes his thigh and turns his attention back to the road.

 

 

 

josh has lost track of where they are.

wherever it is, it’s nothing spectacular. hardly anything has been spectacular on this trip, other than the memories he’s made with tyler – those are everything fantastic, and something even more. miles of dry, arid desert isn’t easy on the eyes; the lifelessness of everything provokes deep thought. everything is brown, seemingly devoid of life, aside from the five tumbleweeds on either side of the road that josh had counted (if that can be considered life). it wouldn’t surprise him if he hit an armadillo, just like in rango.

his shitty pick-up only manages to pull one station when they’re in the middle of nowhere, and he swears he’s heard chickens clucking wildly in the background of the spanish he can’t understand; he’d turn it off, but he knows he’d go a little stir crazy if he doesn’t have something to listen to. for once, and maybe not for the last time, he misses tyler’s incessant talking. he even begins to miss tyler insisting on playing road trip games the longer he drives – he knows he misses tyler’s cheerful voice piping up, “let’s play ‘eye spy’, j.”

he hates eye spy.

just as he begins to swear he’s absolutely going crazy, tyler stirs to his right. blinking, stretching, he wipes drool from his chin and looks hazily at josh. for a moment, he’s silent, and josh watches him from the corner of his eye, smiling.

“what are you smiling about?” he finally croaks, bringing hands to rub at his eyes. and then, before josh can comment on how cute he is when he’s half-asleep, he slurs, “it’s hot, j. i’m dying.”

one hand on the wheel, josh reaches over to turn the a.c. up higher. for a moment, the dial turns and more cold air begins to seep from the vents, before it gives an awful stuttering, clicking sound and the cool air dies out entirely.

frowning, josh turns the dial again, cranking it to max. nothing happens; he swears under his breath, twisting the dial back and forth as if it’ll do something to fix the situation magically.

“busted,” josh sighs, eyebrows furrowed. he continues turning the dial.

“good job,” tyler comments at his side, never without his wit, even when half asleep. “now i’m going to die of heat stroke.”

“you’re not going to die,” josh sighs. he wants to bash his head in against the steering wheel or take a ten-year nap. maybe both. middle of the desert and the a.c. is busted, not to mention tyler’s soon-to-be constant whining about how hot it is.

just as predicted, tyler throws himself back against the seat and says, monotone, “i am going to die.”

exasperated and frustrated, josh returns both hands to the wheel and steadies the truck on the road. “just roll your window down,” he suggests, calmer than he feels on the inside.

“it’s hot outside,” tyler complains. “it’s hot in here. i’m gonna die.”

he still rolls his window down, dramatically leaning out and letting the hot air wash over his face. “it’s like a billion degrees,” he says, voice hoarse, swallowed up by the wind.

on the radio, a man talks quickly in spanish, and josh swears he can hear chickens clucking again in the background. the beginnings of sweat are already pooling at his temples and he can feel a headache coming on as tyler drawls, “we’re both going to die out here, in the middle of nowhere.”

“i hope i die,” josh comments. “maybe it would stop your whining.”

silenced, tyler pouts. josh puts his hand on his thigh, apologetic, even though he’s smiling at his own joke. “i’ll get the a.c. fixed as soon as we get home, ‘kay?” he promises.

“or you could get a less shitty truck,” tyler grumbles. he’s relaxed against the door frame, arms crossed and head propped up on top of them; wind whips at his hair, flutters his eyelashes. he’s shockingly stunning, takes josh’s breath away. he clears his throat, squeezes tyler’s thigh, and watches him smile in response.

“you’re so whiny,” josh sighs, hint of a smile on his face. “what am i going to do with you?”

“please,” tyler’s smirk grows. “you love me.”

drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, josh shrugs. he’s blushing, red hot heat rushing to his cheeks. he clears his throat again, wants to hold tyler at his hips and kiss the smirk off his face, the breath from his lungs. “if you say so.”

long eyelashes flutter along pink cheeks. grinning, teasing, he licks his lips. “i know you do.”

carefully, josh chooses not to say anything, bites his tongue against the flow of words that want to come from his mouth. he’s a broken geyser, tapering off quietly.

love is too strong a word.

love is not strong enough a word.

 

 

 

 

“it’s hot.”

tyler’s voice is like molasses, dripping down josh’s spine; velvet-thick, sticky-sweet, he rolls his head on his shoulders and pries away his skin that’s sticking to the seats with a sound like peeling away a sticker. josh’s head is fuzzy, light with how hot it is. he feels like maybe he could float away. tyler’s hand tugging at his shirt sleeve brings him back to earth.

he turns to look at tyler. his irises are like honey and gold when the light hits them; he blinks, eyelashes casting long shadows against his cheeks. “where are we?” he’s almost whispering, as if he’s afraid to break the world with his words. everything feels so incredibly surreal; nothing seems real. josh reaches his right hand out and runs his thumb along tyler’s bottom lip, pressing away the slight pout his mouth gives.

the heat makes josh’s bones feel heavier than they have in weeks. his movements are sluggish, his words a drawl. “dunno.”

his hand remains on tyler’s face, touching his lips, cupping his jaw. his face is soft, lacking the sharp prick of stubble that josh's has.

“we should pull over,” tyler suggests in another low whisper, lucrative, sultry. it makes josh raise an eyebrow, makes tyler smile. josh can feel it under his fingertips. “nap together.”

josh doesn’t have the energy to grin. a nap sounds nice. so does making tyler squeal for hours on end. “we wouldn’t be napping and you know it,” he says in a sharp breath, distracted. tyler licks josh’s thumb when it passes over his mouth. something in josh’s guts jumps, twists. everything burns.

“i want to kiss you,” tyler sighs. his eyelashes flutter when he bats them, pouting; josh touches his bottom lip. plump and pink, tyler pouts further, eyes sad and tired. “sue me.”

“so kiss me,” josh murmurs, hand moving to cradle the back of his neck.

“you’re driving,” tyler says. his hand is on josh’s thigh, petting, distracting.

josh is already slowing the truck. “i’ll stop,” he grunts, mind everywhere, elsewhere; the truck stopping on the side of the road is sudden, sharp, jolts tyler’s bones. the click of the seatbelt is even sharper to tyler’s ears; he swallows, heart thrumming ecstatically. josh’s hand is on his neck, on his jaw, touching his cheek.

the sun’s glimmer is reflected in tyler’s eyes when he leans his upper body across the middle console. josh rushes to meet him, too fast, not fast enough; their noses bump, teeth clash, and tyler giggles. there’s a fire running rampant in josh’s stomach, and it spreads wildly when tyler’s tongue brushes the split in his lip. there’s a dull, foreign ache of pain at the touch; the hiss he gives is enough to make tyler pull away, licking his lips.

mint toothpaste is all he tastes.

“did i do that?” he asks, feigning innocence. the shine in his eyes says enough; he knows what he’s done.

“you know you did,” josh chastises, fingertips brushing a trail over the shell of tyler’s ear. he shudders, leans back in and kisses the cut as an apology.

josh’s fingers tug at the lobe of his ear. “we should pierce your ears,” he mumbles absently, voice muffled as tyler presses back in to kiss him. he licks the cut again, hand reaching out blindly to grip josh’s shoulder, his bicep. his fingernails are sharp, in need of cutting, where they dig into the skin exposed by the sleeve of his t-shirt.

“anything you want,” tyler sighs when he rests their foreheads together, a slight hitch to his breathing. he’s breathless, mouth damp from josh’s kisses; his eyelashes are fluttering again, face awash in a pink glow from the heat, eyes tired.

“what do _you_ want?” josh counters. his hand moves back to hold tyler’s neck in place so he can kiss him again, properly, no teeth, all tongue. it sounds wet in their ears, and is probably disgusting, but it makes tyler’s stomach flip, makes him want more. he wants anything he can get.

“you,” tyler mumbles when josh’s lips move to the corner of his mouth. a chaste peck is all he gets, the indent of a smile pressed to his skin. “i always want you.”

“lucky you,” josh mutters, breathing against his ear. the sun is sweltering, beating down on the pick-up; they’re baking in the sun, and josh can taste the salt of sweat when he licks tyler’s cheek to make him shudder. another kiss to the shell of his ear, breath hot on sweaty, salty skin. “i always want you, too.”

“christ,” tyler swears. his hand moves from josh’s bicep to cup his face, bringing him in for another kiss. humming, panting, their mouths clash, teeth clicking as their kisses lose their finesse; josh’s hand is wandering down from holding tyler’s neck to settle at his lower back, eventually cupping his ass and squeezing. tyler gives no more than an indignant noise, breaking their kiss.

he’s panting, sweat-matted hair unfurling into his face in tiny wisps; his once tired, sad eyes seem to have found a new light, sparked by josh’s mouth, and he eagerly draws josh back in for more. humming against josh’s lips, he bites and sucks eagerly, petting josh’s cheekbone with his thumb.

“i could kiss you forever,” he whispers, licks his lips; eyes earnest, his voice is innocent, his face anything but. josh clears his throat, eyes on his mouth.

“so do it,” he says without thinking, forgets that they’re stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere in favor of tyler’s lips on his. the vision of tyler’s mouth parting into a moan of josh’s name makes his guts jump, twist. everything is on fire.

“it’s too hot,” tyler sighs, voice a release of breath, retracting the hand from josh’s face to wipe sweat from his forehead, the back of his neck. his hand, warm and soft, moves back to cup josh’s cheek affectionately, petting, loving.

josh’s eyes are still on tyler’s lips. they quirk into a smile, his hand moving to curl around the back of his neck. his fingers tangle in the fine hair, pull.

“we should get going,” tyler suggests, as if he isn’t the reason they’d pulled over in the first place. josh is insatiable, squeezing his ass just to make him go breathless. his eyes are cloudy, the corners of his lips pulled down just the slightest amount when he comments, offhand and sudden, “it’d be easier to fuck me in a hotel bed.”

the tick of josh’s heart stops, continues at twice the normal rate; his eyebrows furrow in confusion. “what?” he asks, voice sounding distant, like he’s underwater or a million miles away from his own body. he’s floating in this heat, not quite a part of himself.

“i said,” tyler begins. “it’d –“

“i know what you said,” josh cuts him off. the blood in his veins is liquid fire, tyler aglow in the sun’s rays. his skin looks more golden than it ever has. “i don’t –“

he stops with a frustrated shake of his head, retracting his hands from tyler’s body. for a moment, he relaxes back into the seat at a loss of what to do, the silence on tyler’s part the most disconcerting thing of all.

“tyler,” josh begins quietly, eyes on the dashboard. his thoughts are muddled. everything’s too hot and nothing is clear. maybe nothing will ever be clear again. he has half a mind to reach for the air conditioning before remembering that it’s broken.

tyler is silent, staring out the window. his face is a mask that betrays what he’s feeling; his eyes are tired and sad again, mouth turned down into a frown. josh wants to drown himself in the curve of his lips.

“you’re not just –“ josh begins, searching for the right words, finding none. “you’re not just some –“ the words are heavy, bitter on his tongue, and he bites into his cheek. ashamed, his head cast down, he sighs, relenting. the sudden change, shift in atmosphere is intoxicating.

“i’m not just some _what_ , josh?” tyler sounds tired. “are you trying to say that i’m not just some easy fuck?” he scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest. like a child, it wouldn’t surprise josh if he stomped his feet and gave way to a temper tantrum. “why else would you pick up a kid on the side of the road after midnight?” he doesn’t give josh the chance to answer, barreling on. “because i’d be an easy fuck. some toy you could have your way with. that’s all i’ve _ever_ been.”

“that’s not true,” josh is aghast at the suggestion. he’s floundering, drowning; tyler’s angered tide has swept over his head, dragged him under. “you were hurt – i couldn’t just leave you alone.”

“i wish you would have,” tyler bites, sneering. his tone is vicious, words spiteful; toxic and full of venom. josh feels cold, despite the heat. “just – just drive,” tyler sighs, losing his grip on his anger, shoulders slumping. “i want out of here.”

josh doesn’t have the energy to respond. he bites his lip until the split begins to bleed; it runs down his mouth in a ruby wave, josh hastily moving to wipe it away with the back of his hand. “ty,” he begins.

“don’t call me that,” tyler spits. he’s curled in on himself, shoulders hunched, a wet glimmer around the corners of his eyes. “don’t – don’t.”

he breaks into a sob, and josh’s heart rate skyrockets; he reaches for him without thinking, to wipe at the tears gathered in his eyes or to hold him, _something_ , but it only makes tyler sob harder. “ _don’t_ ,” he says, loudly, twisting away from josh’s outreached hands. he’s cowered against the door frame, crying, and it sends a shockwave down josh’s spine. how many times has he been in this position – crouched in a corner, praying to god he doesn’t get hurt too bad? eyes widening, he jerks back, tripping over his own words – he’s sorry, dear god, he’s _sorry_.

“i didn’t – i didn’t mean to scare you,” josh says, pathetic. it’s the only thing he can muster, and it’s choked, broken.

“just _drive_ ,” tyler moans, scrubbing furiously at his face with the palms of his hands. “just _go_.”

startled into submission, josh’s hands find the wheel, feet find the pedals. “i’m sorry,” he whispers, more to himself than to tyler. he can’t find it within himself to face him. “i’m so sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the record, i write tyler like he has a few mental illnesses  
> (all of which i have myself)  
> see if you can find out what they are,,


	21. he spoke words that would melt in your hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xx

it’s quiet, and it’s hot.

they’re sweltering in the sun, pick-up baked by the heat, and the world around them being quiet is an understatement. it would be dead silent if not for the rumble of the shitty pick-up’s shitty engine. the tension they’re wading through is palpable, thick and heady, and tyler is drowning in it.

he wants to say that he’s sorry, that he doesn’t know what’s going on, but the words stick in his throat. if he opens his mouth, nothing comes out except for the threat of him vomiting up whatever’s left in his stomach. not much – the redbull and the donuts have made short work of that. he should’ve just eaten the egg mcmuffin; maybe things would be okay if he’d just taken what he’d been offered, his world wouldn’t have been flipped upside down and spun on its’ tail.

it’s a pride issue. it’s usually a pride issue. it’s always been a pride issue. he’s got a big head, an overinflated ego. he’s arrogant, oftentimes blinded by his own stupidity, but he’s just seventeen, and he’s been smashed down and choked half to death by the overprotectiveness of both his parents. he’s not a stranger to his own confusion, to his own outbursts. he’s not a stranger to hurting other people.

he blames this on not having any room to grow.

the chance to develop like everyone else was extinguished the second he turned six, when he was shoved into homeschooling and the veil was drawn over his eyes. the first kid is always an experiment, but the first kid needed to be perfect. the first kid needed to be a model child, an example for the ones to follow. his wings were clipped and trimmed and he was forcefully shaped by their hands and mouths, manicured into what they wanted him to be.

there was no time for being average. average didn’t exist in his world. there was perfection and there was disappointment and there was the ever-present need to improve lurking over his shoulder, watching, waiting for him to slip up. he’s used to being the best of the best; he’s used to being at the top. he’s not used to being thrown off his pedestal or slipping from the top rung of the ladder.

it’s a pride issue.

he wants to choke on his tongue. he opens his mouth but nothing comes out, and he can’t even bring himself to look in josh’s general direction. what he’ll see will hurt him. josh doesn’t share the same qualms; tyler can feel his eyes on the side of his face every now and again.

the quiet is intoxicating. he’s tired and the sun is in his eyes; his eyelids droop, eyelashes flutter, and he succumbs, lets his eyes slide shut like they’re weighted.

he lets sleep claim him.

 

 

“tyler.”

the first word spoken in hours.

tyler’s eyes open. the sun is down, hiding behind the horizon, and the sky is dark. the world feels dreary and surreal, like it’s wrapped in a sleep-like state.

he looks to josh; the engine is shut off, and josh’s door is hung open. they’re stopped, somewhere, in the middle of nowhere. tyler blinks groggily at his surroundings, uncurls his legs from the seat and stretches, arms over his head.

“i need to get gas,” josh’s voice is a whisper, a sigh. it doesn’t seem real. nothing seems real. “are you coming?”

he needs film for his camera. “mhm.”

josh looks two parts surprised, one part relieved. he says nothing, but his eyes are tired, kind. tyler fumbles with the handle of the door and it opens; he nearly falls out, stumbling to his feet, stumbling to walk, stumbling to josh’s side where he meets him at the front of the pick-up.

for a moment, before either of them move, josh looks at tyler, and tyler looks at josh. there’s a lot to be said, a lot left unspoken; the tension crumbles between them, and tyler’s façade breaks. he cracks under the pressure, and he wants to say that he’s sorry, but his pride spills and overflows inside his chest and all that comes from his mouth is a restless sound.

josh takes his hand. he kisses tyler’s forehead.

it’s a start.

 

 

                                                   

josh pumps the gas while tyler sits in the truck. a new package of film in hand, he turns it over and over and over, pondering of something great, something terrifying. it feels like his pride might swallow him whole, and it’s not the first time.

his lungs feel like they’re on fire when josh opens the truck door. sliding in, he shuts it, and the sound jars tyler’s bones and stirs his thoughts. he doesn’t know what he wants to say or what he wants to do. he puts down the film in the middle console.

“we should talk.” josh’s hands are on the wheel, but he’s not moving. he doesn’t turn on the engine and he doesn’t turn the car to drive.

tyler’s throat is suddenly full of cotton. this is what he wanted to avoid; pride doesn’t fair well with any sort of confrontation, but he’s cornered. he could always get up and walk away, go to someplace else, but he knows he wouldn’t likely survive without josh by his side.

josh’s breath is a sharp exhale in the quiet. “what you said isn’t true.” he doesn’t elaborate. he doesn’t speak further on the subject. the roar of the engine as he turns the key in the ignition would be shocking if tyler wasn’t crying.

the tears come fast and hot. josh doesn’t reach out to him, knows better now, but his eyes are full of worry and there’s the same crease of concern between his eyebrows like always. the truck begins to move and tyler pulls his knees up to his chest.

“i’m not going to force you to talk,” josh says. his eyes scan the horizon, hands so tight on the wheel his knuckles are turning white. he’s scared, but not angry. “but there’s no way we can go without talking about this.”

tyler hastily scrubs at his eyes, wiping away tears and forcefully stilling the ones to come. he sniffles, hiccups.

looking at him warily, josh sighs, a quiet noise. “i don’t regret this,” he says, quietly. it’s almost inaudible, and tyler strains to hear him. “i don’t regret picking you up. fuck, tyler, i love you.”

it’s sudden, unexpected, and a sledgehammer to tyler’s chest.

he can’t breathe. it’s still too hot and it’s still too quiet and everything’s too much to take him and he’s _suffering_. he feels claustrophobic; he pushes his knees away from his chest and his legs flop unceremoniously to the floor.

josh breathes out heavily. “i really love you.” and tyler wants him to stop talking forever, but at the same time, he never wants josh to ever stop telling him he loves him. “you’re not some easy fuck and i didn’t pick you up to have my way with you. i picked you up because you needed someone.”

looking about on the verge of tears himself, another sigh crosses his lips. “and i understand if this isn’t what you want. we can get to l.a. and we can go our separate ways. i’ll help you find a place and a job and then i can be out of your hair.”

panic grips tyler’s heart; the last thing he needs is to lose josh when he’s lost everything else in his life. “no,” he manages to get out admist the terror pulling at him, eyes watery and throat suddenly too tight to breathe properly. “i can’t lose you.”

josh’s shoulders slump forward in what looks like relief. “tyler, i don’t know what happened. i don’t know what to do to fix this.”

pulse thrumming in his throat, tyler doesn’t know, either. “i’m sorry,” he croaks. apologizing feels like it saps the little bit of energy he has from his body; he all but collapses against the seat, quivering. “i love you. i’m sorry.”

it’s a sucker punch to josh’s gut.

he doesn’t know how he’s managing to keep the truck steady on the road. he begins to slow it down, to pull off onto the shoulder, truck bumping up and over gravel.

for a moment, all they manage to do is look at each other in silence.

“i love you,” tyler repeats after he feels like his brain will burst from tension. then, as if he’s realizing it for the first time, “god, josh, i _love_ you.”

“you have no idea how much i love you,” josh says, looking stunned.

that’s all it takes for tyler to scramble to undo his seatbelt, for him to grab at the collar of josh’s t-shirt and haul him over the middle console; they look at each other for a second, both equally surprised, before josh leans forward and meets him halfway.

tyler’s grip on josh’s collar tightens when josh kisses him. it’s slow, soft, and the panic in tyler’s belly flutters rapidly before settling and dissipating entirely. he kisses him again before pulling away just slightly; noses touching, foreheads pressed together, josh’s breath tickles the lower half of his face.

“i love you,” josh repeats, and his heart feels warm and full.

tyler’s blood simmers hotly in his veins. there’s heat in his cheeks and his eyes are half-lidded and he wants them, wants _this_ , more than he’s wanted anything in his entire life.

“i really am sorry,” tyler begins, on the verge of babbling himself into a paradox; josh shushes him and presses their mouths together, tyler’s hands smoothing out the collar of his shirt to instead slide around the back of his neck and bring him that much closer. when they separate, his breath is caught in his throat and there’s tears in his eyes.

“don’t cry,” josh’s voice is soft, so soft. “it’s okay, princess. i’m right here.”

maybe that’s the scary part, tyler realizes as he hiccups and leans his forehead against josh’s. that he’s so attached, that he’s fallen so deep; that he loves so hard, that josh means so much to him. how he knows that in any instant, josh could be ripped away from him, that in any instant, josh could grow sick of him.

“tell you what,” josh’s lips brush the tip of his nose as he pecks him there, soft. everything is so soft. “let me get us to a hotel room so you can take a shower or something and relax, baby.” he quiets, tugging back enough to look tyler in the eye; his face is earnest, kind. his words sound tiny to tyler’s ears when he amends, “you’ve been through so much.”

tyler’s bones are heavy, his head weary. “okay,” he relents. things feel okay. a smile twists at the corner of his mouth, and he pulls his hands around to touch josh’s jaw. “as long as you take one with me.”

clucking his tongue, josh pats tyler’s thigh. “deal,” he grins, pressing one last, lingering kiss to tyler’s cheek.

 

 

back on the road, josh’s hand on his thigh, tyler peels open the box with the new roll of film inside.

he pops open the back of the camera and looks at the film already in place – every (blurry) picture of the road signs, every picture of josh smiling, even some of himself, are contained there, and something in his heart tugs fondly. he couldn’t wait to get them developed; he had new ideas of hanging them on the walls of his and josh’s bedroom, putting them in scrapbooks.

excitement settling into his weary head at finally sharing an _apartment_ with josh, he pops out the old film and puts in the new. he replaces the opened box with the old film and tucks it securely into the middle console. “say cheese,” he says, lifting the camera with the new film inside to josh’s face.

josh turns, just so, and smiles and says, “i love you.”

tyler’s heart does a weird flip, his stomach bubbling up with adoration. he doesn’t think he’ll ever really get used to hearing him say that, and he certainly won’t get used to his mouth opening and him saying, “i love you, too.”

 

 

before they need to stop for gas again, there’s a new sign that tyler captures with his camera; the words welcoming them to albuqurque, new mexico, are printed in white against a green backdrop. he cheers, sleepily, slumping over in the seat, and josh lifts his hand to ruffle his hair.

“hey, pretty boy,” he muses, smiling when tyler only grunts an affirmation. “we’re pretty close to l.a.”

rubbing at his eyes and summoning all of his knowledge from his geography classes, tyler figures they only have new mexico and arizona to go before they hit california. “two more,” he says, tapering off into a yawn.

 

 

he’s asleep when josh finds a suitable hotel on the gps. it takes a little bit of work and him having to stop in the parking lot of a mcdonald’s to find it; it’s nothing fancy, nothing special, but he figures that tyler won’t mind. he makes a mental note to stop at a laundromat as soon as possible, probably within the next day, as he pulls into a parking space at the hotel.

“hey, princess,” josh says, shaking tyler’s thigh gently to wake him up. “hotel time.”

he comes to the surface gradually, with parted jaws and blinking eyes; there’s a fire in josh’s belly that’s only fanned by tyler’s sleepy, pretty face.

they gather their bags from the back and walk, hand in hand, into the hotel lobby. tyler loiters in the hall, backpack strapped to his shoulder and watching warily as josh talks to the receptionist. she’s tall and thin, seeming just as uninterested in josh as he is in her.

“room 113,” she says, popping her gum and handing him the keycards.

he doesn’t expect much, and he’s not greeted with much. room 113 has a double bed in the corner, a kitchenette, a bathroom, and a tv that looks about on its’ last leg of life. not that they really even watch the tv. tyler yawns, looking about ready to flop down onto the mattress as he sets his bag down, but his hands go to his shirt and he tugs it off, throwing it on the floor.

“come shower with me,” he mumbles blearily, grabbing for josh’s hand and tugging him along; they undress along the way, a trail of clothes and shoes leading the way to the bathroom. josh crowds tyler up along the bathroom door to kiss him, both dressed in only their boxers; tyler sighs into his mouth as his hands scratch at his back, fingernails scraping along and fanning out red half-moon crescents into his skin. his sighs get breathier when josh plants his lips up his jugular, heavier when josh slots his knee between the tight v of his thighs.

his voice breaks when he says josh’s name, and his lips still on tyler’s collarbones, never wanting to hear anything else.

“ty,” josh mumbles, licking along his skin, and tyler shudders.

“mm?” is the only thing his tired brain supplies.

josh kisses along the stretch of his clavicle. “you mean everything to me.”

hands raising to fist josh’s blue hair, tyler leans his head back against the wood of the door. josh’s kisses keep trailing lower, his tongue flitting out against his skin, and tyler never wants anything else. he could stay here forever.

“look at you,” josh says. his eyes are on the upturn of tyler’s lips as he plants a kiss above his heartbeat in his chest. “so pretty.”

he kisses the flush that spreads into his chest, kisses one nipple and then the other. tyler hums, twitches; his hands tighten in josh’s hair, weaving through the strands.

“do you trust me?” josh asks as he kisses the edge of tyler’s ribcage.

“so much,” tyler responds, eyes closed, and josh gets on his knees.

kissing his navel, kissing his hip, kissing his happy trail, josh lifts his hands and touches the hem of his boxers. “is this okay?”

“yeah.” tyler’s voice is crackly with arousal. he’s half-hard and josh can feel it when he kisses the outline of his dick through the fabric. tyler’s voice jumps an octave when he whispers, “ _oh_.”

“i want,” josh begins to slowly peel his boxers from his skin. “to make you feel good.”

“you make me so happy,” tyler’s voice is high in the back of his throat as his cock is exposed, boxers tangling around his ankles. his face is red as a fire engine, spreading down into the skin of his chest as he timidly threads his fingers through josh’s hair, his eyes closed.

and, for as much as he’s dreamed about this, nothing can prepare him for how it feels when josh wraps a hand around the base of his dick and licks at the head.

it’s different from either of their hands; tyler gasps, going up on tip-toe, unsure of whether he wants to press closer to the sensation or get away from it. josh laughs, actually fucking laughs, as he traces a line up tyler’s calf and licks the head again. tyler mewls, high and uncertain, as he’s tugged, crashing, back to earth. “oh, god,” he chokes out, raising a hand from josh’s hair to bite at his knuckles. josh nuzzles at his hip and into his pubic hair, pressing kisses everywhere and eventually up the base of his cock.

ghosting his tongue down tyler’s dick to the tip, he laps at the head and fists the base, and tyler moans brokenly into the skin of his arm. it’s not like josh has too much experience with blowjobs, but he’s been with a few guys and given a number, but to tyler, it’s the best thing he’s ever had happen to him. josh is practiced enough to take tyler bucking his hips in stride, to have his mouth stretched around his cock until the head brushes the back of his throat and his nose is buried in tyler’s pubes.

tyler won’t last long, and josh knows it; he speeds up the pace, resting hands on tyler’s thighs and stroking thumbs over skin, drooling everywhere and humming as he sucks tyler deep past his molars and into his throat. tyler whines and moans and groans, crying out when it gets to be too much, but josh doesn’t stop and he thinks he’ll die from sensory overload; he pops off long enough to breathe, eyes wet with tears and mouth shiny with spit, ducking his head to his tyler’s balls and kissing around.

he mouths at one, then the other, and tyler bites his lip and fists josh’s hair and wriggles under josh’s hands; he’s never been a begger, but he can’t stop his mouth from forming words, from hoarsely asking for more, more, more. he’s all but crying by the time josh takes him back into his mouth, and his orgasm follows when josh hollows out his cheeks and sucks, hard. he hasn’t a brain in his head by the time he comes, and he gives no warning before he spills down josh’s throat.

unexpected as it is, josh chokes in surprise. come spills from his mouth, down his chin; he swallows what’s in his mouth as best he can, but he’s never liked the taste. tyler’s never seen anything hotter.

face painted in tyler’s spunk, he climbs to his feet and tyler, weak-kneed, grabs him by the face and kisses him. he licks at the come gathered at josh’s chin and sucks on his bottom lip, and josh is ultimately surprised but succumbs quietly to the push of tyler’s lips to his own.

“i love you,” josh mumbles, throat tired and used; his lips are red and a little swollen, hard in his boxers.

tyler only kisses him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's a spicy meatball!
> 
> hey, this fic is a year old. happy birthday, friend.


	22. don't waste your time on this stupid shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is not an update. this is not an update. THIS IS NOT AN UPDATE.

i've given up.

i meant to write this stupid note when i felt good, when i was in a fucking good mood and had the shred of decency to give the people who have read this piece of shit until the end what they deserve, but it's not happening. i've put it off for months and months with my hand behind my back, fingers crossed and praying to something i don't believe in that some-fucking-day i'll feel okay again. but it's just not happening. i feel like shit. i feel so fucking bad about everything. about myself, about anything i do, about the way i speak, the way i dress, the way i look, the way i do fucking anything. most of all, i hate my writing. i hate it. i hate it so fucking much. i hate being okay at writing but not okay enough. nothing i do is good enough. for me, for anyone. it's not good enough. it's never going to be enough. i hate myself and i hate my writing and i fucking hate this stupid fic i spent so much time and effort on, only to grow to hate it so much.

the person i wrote this for and i rarely speak anymore. that's fine. i know it's fine. it hurts to grow apart but i knew it was going to happen, and i understand that people grow apart. that's how life works. you can't keep everyone close to you for the rest of your life. it doesn't fucking work. nothing fucking works. life is shit and then you die. she's important to me but we don't speak anymore; that's fine. i know it had to happen. but i can't finish this fucking fic because it hurts to sit down to write something that was meant for her, tailored for her (pun fucking intended, if she's reading this), only to be slapped in the face with the fact that we don't talk. i hate it. i hate this stupid fic and i hate myself most of all. i'm never doing this again. it hurts too much.


End file.
